


Shenanigan and a Half

by Cornerverse



Series: Shenanigans and Side Stories [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: A lot of plot happens off-screen (like a LOT), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comedy, F/F, F/M, M/M, Occasional angst, Roy and Riza are married and adopted Ed and Al, Swearing, groupchat fic, i tried to keep it simple but the thought train has derailed and exploded into rarepair hell, sexual humor/discussion but mostly pg-13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-07-13 03:44:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 81
Words: 65,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16009589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornerverse/pseuds/Cornerverse
Summary: Pantastic: Okay, us not realizing Ed was into guys is one thing. But how did none of us notice he apparently had a crush on Ling???? He’s usually obvious with his crushes??Waffle Iron: RudeWrench Wench: Because none of us knew he was into guys so we didn’t connect the dotsPrincess Powerhouse: Then what’s Al’s excuse?Totally Not A Furry: So when did this happen?Princess Powerhouse: Don’t ignore my question





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Local Author uses their own experiences of teens in groupchats to write a groupchat fic.  
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Waffle Iron** : So, a few big announcements this afternoon!

**Pantastic:** Are you finally coming out of the closet?

**Wrench Wench:** Paninya no!

**Princess Powerhouse:** Paninya yes!

**Pantastic:** He knows to ignore me by now.

**Waffle Iron:** I mean, you’re kinda right so…

**Wrench Wench:** Wait WHAAT??

**Pantastic:** UM?????

**Wrench Wench:** ajgfasdfssd!!!!!11 Since whebn???

**Totally Not A Furry:**  oh, finally. Now I don’t have to hold in all the puns I’ve been thinking of

**Princess Powerhouse:** You knew about this?

**Ding Dong Bitch:** You didn’t know about this? He’s dramatic af and wears leather pants? Does that say anywhere near ‘heterosexual’??

**Wrench Wench:** If I was going to assume people were gay over their dramatic tendencies then everyone in this chat is gay af!

**Pantastic:** Wait, didn’t you have a thing for Winry a while back?

**Waffle Iron:** Thanks for bringing that up

**Pantastic:** Sorry, but it’s true?

**Waffle Iron:** Also, technically I’m Bi and as for ‘when’ I kinda knew it since I was thirteen?

**Wrench Wench:** Wait, you figured this out when you were thirteen and you didn’t tell us?

**Pantastic:** You realize everyone in this chat is either somewhere in the Gay or very much an Ally?

**Waffle Iron** : It never came up?

**Wrench Wench:** Really? I mean, I might’ve been upset about you stealing my thunder, but you could’ve mentioned it when I made the joke of being ‘PANsexual for PANinya’.

**Waffle Iron:** It was this kinda limbo situation. I knew it’d be fine if you guys knew, but I didn’t feel the need to announce it as it wasn’t relevant?

**More Like A Nonja:** In hindsight, the signs were there.

**Wrench Wench:** You know what? She’s right. You being Bi makes a few things make more sense now. I’m seeing the Gay Panic™ and jokes.

**Totally Not A Furry:** This is Ed we’re talking about. He’s never subtle about anything! How didn’t any of you catch on?

**Ding Dong Bitch:** I caught on!

**Waffle Iron:** Al, the only reason you know is because I told you!

**Totally Not A Furry:** Maybe, but I was the one who noticed something was bothering you when you were in the questioning phase and decided to see what was up.

**Totally Not A Furry:** BTW, remember when Ed was thirteen and broke his phone? That’s because when I went to ask what was going on with him, I happened to walk in while he was figuring it out by reading m/m fanfic

**Totally Not A Furry:** He panicked and chucked his phone at my face

**Wrench Wench:** That’s fucking beautiful!

**Princess Powerhouse:** idk, I don’t think I’d want to walk in on anyone doing that

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Which fanfic was it  >;P

**Waffle Iron:** First off

**Waffle Iron:** I was only READING the fic. Not the other thing.

**Totally Not A Furry:** Thankfully I have not walked in on him doing that ever.

**Pantastic:** Yet

**Princess Powerhouse:** That is ominous

**Waffle Iron:** Second of all

**Waffle Iron:** I was going to be nice for once and say I told you because you’re my brother and I trust you

**Waffle Iron:** Just remember: Turnabout is fair play

**Wrench Wench:** Nice knowing you

**Pantastic:** I’ll be picking a nice bouquet for your funeral

**Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m so glad Mei and I have only gotten along for a couple months because I would not be able to survive sibling-level blackmail

**Totally Not A Furry:** Uh…

**Totally Not A Furry:** You might want to put your revenge blackmail on hold?

**Waffle Iron:** Why should I? :)

**Totally Not A Furry:** Because I’m currently with Riza and she’s getting curious about what’s making me laugh so hard.

**Totally Not A Furry:** So you might want to send some funny memes if you don’t want her finding out about this

**Pantastic:** [SFWS.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/1f7df1ecc00681ca0ae07a7e8b6d4acc/tumblr_o1rz0pQf1F1rp4f5jo1_1280.jpg)

**Totally Not A Furry:** Safe For Work Sasuke won’t help

**Waffle Iron:** You can tell Riza if you want

**Pantastic:** Just going for the ‘might as well be totally out’ thing, ain’t you?

**Waffle Iron:**  Well, that and Roy already knows so she’ll find out eventually

**Wrench Wench:** Hold the fuck

**Wrench Wench:** You told Roy of all people before you told us????

**Totally Not A Furry:** Even I’m surprised at that one?

**Totally Not A Furry:** We have no idea how they’ll react, why’d you tell him?

**Waffle Iron:** That’s a longer story, but it does bring me to the second of my big announcements for the day

**More Like A Nonja:** I was going to point that out

**Princess Powerhouse:** Now I’m scared. What announcement could be bigger than you coming out?

**Waffle Iron:** Well, it’s the reason I’m doing the whole ‘officially coming out’ thing, since if I didn’t say anything you’d figure it out pretty soon

**Pantastic:** What could you possibly do to make it more obvious than it apparently was?

**Waffle Iron:** I got a boyfriend?

**Totally Not A Furry:** a WHATNOW?

**Wrench Wench:** At least I’m not alone in my surprise!?

**Pantastic:** sadgfhlhj

**Princess Powerhouse:** How can you get a boyfriend???

**Wrench Wench:** Who What Where When and WHY????

**Totally Not A Furry:** Who is your new boyfriend? Why am I just now hearing about this??

**Pantastic:** You can’t just drop that bomb and not tell us who? Is it someone we know?

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Yes, Ed

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Tell us about your mystery man

**Ding Dong Bitch:** I bet it’s someone tall, handsome, and wonderful

**Waffle Iron:** You forgot to add ‘an idiot and also a total dork’

**Ding Dong Bitch:** I’ll take that as a compliment

**Pantastic:** Okay, us not realizing Ed was into guys is one thing. But how did none of us notice he apparently had a crush on Ling???? He’s usually obvious with his crushes??

**Waffle Iron:** Rude

**Wrench Wench:** Because none of us knew he was into guys so we didn’t connect the dots

**Princess Powerhouse:** Then what’s Al’s excuse?

**Totally Not A Furry:** So when did this happen?

**Princess Powerhouse:** Don’t ignore my question

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Apparently we’ve liked each other for a while, but when all of you bailed on our hangout today I decided to say ‘hey, how about we make this a date’.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Ed reacted adorably flustered

**Waffle Iron:** I had been wondering if you guys planned this to set us up, but considering the rest of the conversation I find it very unlikely

**Wrench Wench:** So, again, why did you tell Roy before telling us about this?

**Waffle Iron:** Technically I didn’t. One of his friends saw us today and told him

**Totally Not A Furry:** Rude. What kind of person just outs a guy to his family?

**Princess Powerhouse:** A total dick

**Pantastic:** Do we need to kick asses?

**More Like A Nonja:** I am on hand if needed

**Waffle Iron:** No! It wasn’t that!

**Waffle Iron:** They were… concerned. Because they thought, well, you know how sometimes people think Ling’s a bit older than us?

**Totally Not A Furry:** Oh

**Princess Powerhouse:** Oh

**Wrench Wench:** Oh

**Pantastic:** Oh

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Sorry?

**Waffle Iron:** They only told Roy because they thought you might be some college-age guy taking advantage of me :/

**Waffle Iron:** I clarified that it’s just that you look older, but you’re actually a few months younger than me

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Glad it was just legitimate concerns and not some asshole move

**Totally Not A Furry:** So, Roy was chill with you dating a guy?

**Waffle Iron:** Yep. I mean, he gave me a goddamn heart attack when he was confronting me about Ling’s age, because I thought it was about that, but he’s fine with it and I assume Riza will be too.

**Waffle Iron:** At this point I’m more afraid that he’ll try to give me ‘the talk’

**Totally Not A Furry:** If he does, let me know so I can run because that’ll be awkward

**Wrench Wench:** I think you already have the general idea

**Ding Dong Bitch:** fanfic is not always the best source for this kind of thing

**Waffle Iron:** I know that!

**Waffle Iron:** Also, Al, I don’t think you’ll escape because we’re apparently having a ‘family meeting’ later

**Waffle Iron:** Hopefully it’s just a ‘it’s okay if you’re gay you can tell us’ talk

**Totally Not A Furry:** Fuck

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Good luck you two!

**Waffle Iron:** Don’t think you’re getting out of this

**Waffle Iron:** Roy already said he’d like to actually meet you now

**Wrench Wench:** Be prepared for shovel talk  >:D

**Princess Powerhouse:** Hey, didn’t you say Roy’s a cop?

**Waffle Iron:** Riza too.

**Totally Not A Furry:** Specifically homicide detectives, though I know Roy used to work in the arson department.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** So shovel talk is going to be your typical ‘I can kill you and no one would ever find the body’ thing but with actual knowledge and skill to back it up?

**Waffle Iron:** Most likely

**Pantastic:** [BringItOn.gif](https://78.media.tumblr.com/86d355b29c07f2d1819b0af88e61afa0/tumblr_inline_mj58378wqM1qz4rgp.gif)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half talks about homophobia, the second half talks about a cryptid. But the cryptid isn't homophobic. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Totally Not A Furry:** Ed

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Where are you right now?

 **Wrench Wench** : People are saying you got dragged to the principal’s office for getting in a fight

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Did you punch out an upperclassmen?

 **Pantastic:** I hear it was a good show. Likely to get uploaded to YouTube once someone has better wifi

 **Waffle Iron:** So that may have happened...

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Why????

 **Waffle Iron:** Homophobia

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean actual homophobia, not ‘I’m gay and this inconveniences me’

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Fair. I’m somewhat less mad. You shouldn’t punch people

 **Waffle Iron:** Fucker deserved it

 **More Like A Nonja:** As someone who was there, let me say that he crossed a line and I would have punched him if Ed didn’t

 **Wrench Wench:** Damn.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No longer mad.

 **Waffle Iron:** So she has better punch judgment than me?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yes

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You okay Ed?

 **Waffle Iron:** yeah. I was kind of expecting this at some point.

 **Pantastic:** On the bright side, around here that’ll probably be the worst of it. Most people are either chill or know to stay in their lane, especially after the rumor hype dies out.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thank fuck for that

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Other than that, are you okay? As in, ‘how much trouble are you in with the principal’?

 **Waffle Iron:** Do you know who our principal is?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’ve heard a rumor he’s a retired cop, but that’s all I know?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s true, but he’s also Riza’s grandfather

 **Pantastic:** Wait a fuck

 **Pantastic:** The principal is pretty much your great grandpa and you never told us???

 **Pantastic:** Do you know how much rule breaking we could’ve gotten away with?

 **Wrench Wench:** Paninya no

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Legit though, that sounds like a ‘get out of jail free’ card

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s exactly why we don’t tell people

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Besides, he doesn’t let us use the ‘get out of jail free’ card

 **Waffle Iron:** Unless we can find some bullshit logic loopholes in the rules

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You know, your family is really weird when I think about it

 **Totally Not A Furry:** This is the tidbit that makes you realize that?

 **Waffle Iron:** Our family is far from normal. I mean, first off, ‘I’m missing a leg’ is the least interesting thing I can say about myself.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I died once, so that qualifies.

 **Waffle Iron:** Grandma goes by the name ‘Madame Christmas’ while running a bar that I’m 75% sure does some illegal stuff

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Obviously that’s just a joke because it it were true, our cop parents would have to report it

 **Waffle Iron:** But our family has never been normal. I think it all started with The Family Cryptid

 **Totally Not A Furry:** The fact that we have a ‘Family Cryptid’ should be enough

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Family Cryptid???

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I have several questions?

 **Pantastic:** Are you related to Mothman????

 **Wrench Wench:** He's more of a 'Fiskerton Phantom' than a 'Mothman'

 **Waffle Iron:** HOW have I not mentioned the Family Cryptid???

 **Wrench Wench:** You’ve mentioned him, you just haven’t called him ‘the Family Cryptid’ in a while

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You also don’t like to talk about him in general

 **More Like A Nonja:** That raises even more questions

 **Wrench Wench:** Apparently it’s story time

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay, so

 **Waffle Iron:** The ‘Family Cryptid’ is our bio dad

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh my god we’re adopted? When were you going to tell me?

 **Wrench Wench:** Al no

 **Pantastic:** Okay, so how is your dad a cryptid?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Because he doesn’t seem to exist

 **More Like A Nonja:** I know you said that he left, but damn

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Same

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Same

 **Waffle Iron:** Obviously he does ‘exist’. We were made somehow

 **Pantastic:** Unless he’s not your real dad

 **Pantastic:** I was going for a joke but after hitting send I realized that could have rude implications for your mom so I’m sorry

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Somewhat offended, but I get what you were going for

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, no. He’s definitely our bio dad. Even if there was any question about it, we look too much like him. We get the gold hair/eyes and skintone from him

 **Wrench Wench:** Face wise though, imagine Ed in his thirties with a beard and glasses

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks for reminding me of that

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well, he’d probably be in his late forties by now

 **Wrench Wench:** Fair. I only see pictures of him from back then

 **Wrench Wench:** WAIT A FUCk

 **Wrench Wench:** I think I might have a pic of him on my phone?

 **Waffle Iron:** WHY >????

 **More Like A Nonja:** Finally, the dark secret is revealed: Winry thinks your dad is hot

 **Waffle Iron:** SKDFLDJ

 **Totally Not A Furry:** AKDFHKHJ

 **Wrench Wench:** NO

 **Wrench Wench:** I mean, now that I’m thinking about it kinda? But that’s not why I have a picture!!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You know? I’m not even going to ask

 **Pantastic:** I have yet to learn that lesson, so Win, babe, what the fuck?

 **Wrench Wench:** OKAY

 **Wrench Wench:** SO

 **Wrench Wench:** Since Ed now has a boyfriend, I decided to dig out old photo albums because damn it someone needs to show off his embarrassing baby pics. But I think one or two of those had your dad in it

 **Waffle Iron:** YOU KNOW WHAT I CHANGE MY MIND THAT’S WORSE

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Beautiful.

 **Wrench Wench:** Don’t get too smug there Al, I’ll do the same thing when you get a girlfriend/boyfriend

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Now not only am I filled with dread, but this is the second time you’ve said something that has made me think ‘should I be questioning my sexuality here?’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Am I this group’s token straight friend?

 **More Like A Nonja:** So far

 **Wrench Wench:** [cryptid.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/fdd76c852c50df33764d75fcaf1450c9/tumblr_mr0drjitvt1so31m2o1_400.gif)

 **Wrench Wench:** Found one!

 **Pantastic:** Wow you were right that is uncanny

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Damn!

 **Waffle Iron:** Ling

 **Waffle Iron:** That better be a ‘damn that’s such a resemblance’ because that text looks suspiciously like ‘damn he’s pretty’ and if it is I will be contemplating breaking up with you

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I will keep my mouth shut

 **Waffle Iron:** jkfhsljfkghd

 **Pantastic:** OKAY

 **Pantastic:** Before we start kinkshaming Ling’s thing for older men, let’s get back to why this guy is apparently a cryptid?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I don’t have a thing for older men!

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yes, you do.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** To be fair, Ed’s older than you

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** by a few months!! That doesn’t count! When have I ever showed attraction to older men?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Do you remember our Gravity Falls Marathon?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay, but that’s not because they’re old it’s because my type is ‘dorky nerd who could absolutely kick my ass’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Also one of the chat rules is no kinkshaming!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m just going to block the last few minutes from my memory

 **Waffle Iron:** Same

 **Waffle Iron:** As to why he’s a cryptid, it’s literally because it seems like he doesn’t exist

 **Waffle Iron:** Other than us and a handful of pictures, there’s pretty much no proof he existed

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What other proof would there be?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** legal documents and stuff.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Despite the fact that they shared a house, only mom’s name was on the paperwork. And no one remembers him having a job anywhere, or even going to a job, despite him always having money.

 **Waffle Iron:** There’s also things like our birth certificates. He’s not on them, despite the fact that he really fucking should be just by default?

 **Wrench Wench:** TBH I have no idea how that one happened

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh! And also

 **Waffle Iron:** Despite the fact that they were in this relationship, living together, had two children(at least one of which was planned), and raised said children for five years before he left

 **Waffle Iron:** They weren’t married

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What the absolute complete literal fuck

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Not to be rude to your mom, but why did she put up with him?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Love?

 **Pantastic:** TBH, ‘love’ only goes so far in some cases. If someone was with me like that, I would be pretty pissed if they refused to marry me. Even if you think the ceremony and hype of ‘being married’ is a pointless social construct, at least think of the tax benefits.

 **Wrench Wench:** I mean, from what I saw they were a pretty healthy couple despite that? Obvs he left, but I remember that no one had any idea why and never saw it coming.

 **Wrench Wench:** Then again, I was five and didn’t see them 24/7 so who knows?

 **Waffle Iron:** There’s other weirdness too, at least in terms of his records.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Wait, what else?

 **Wrench Wench:** Did you dig up more paperwork somewhere?

 **Waffle Iron:** Wait, did I not tell you two about this?

 **Pantastic:** What did you not tell them?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And what could be weirder than that?

 **Waffle Iron:** In my defense, the whole reason I found out this stuff was because when I was really out of it on pain meds for my leg, I apparently asked Roy to use his cop abilities to look up our dad so that I could ‘ask him what the fuck kind of cryptid he is and then kick his ass’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That sounds like something you’d do

 **More Like A Nonja** : isn’t that some sort of illegal abuse of power?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not if you enter it as ‘looking into a missing person’?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Nice

 **Wrench Wench:** So did you find anything?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yes and no

 **Waffle Iron:** First off, I found out he exists!

 **Waffle Iron:** Jokes aside, I wasn’t given full details, but apparently he had a bit of a record as a teen. Roy said it was the usual ‘troubled and rebellious teen stuff’.

 **Pantastic** : So, vandalism, theft and/or assault?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** huh

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s surprising, but not ridiculous.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So how’s that weird?

 **Waffle Iron:** Because that’s the only thing he found

 **Waffle Iron:** His last known address was from when he was 18. No current drivers license, credit cards, job, anything. He just dropped off the face of the earth.

 **Wrench Wench:** Okay, before it was just a joke but now I’m wondering if he actually is some sort of cryptid or Fae creature or something

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** How about a Dragon?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** If I ask why, are you going to make a pun about ‘because he’s hot?’

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sort of, but not that kind of hot?

 **Waffle Iron:** You are on thin fucking ice

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Look

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Am I the only one who’s noticed that your body temperature is really high?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Actually you have a point. Both of us are on the hotter end of the body temp spectrum

 **Pantastic:** Bet you used that to get out of class ‘sick’

 **Wrench Wench:** They tried once. But they forgot that getting sent home meant getting sent to a house full of doctors who know about their temperature

 **Waffle Iron:** At least you guys accepted that fact

 **Waffle Iron:** Do you know how many doctors we’ve had to argue with to convince them it’s normal for us and not a fever? Too damn many.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Another reason I said ‘Dragon’? Gold

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Fair.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Who wants to take bets on Ed spending the next hour attempting to breathe fire?

 **Waffle Iron:** I hate you so much

 **Wrench Wench:** Who wants to take bets on him having been attempting when you sent that?

 **Pantastic:** Side note, I wonder how Ling knows about Ed’s body temperature ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Waffle Iron:** ldhkjgdasljkm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This went places. I will take any excuse to use that gif.   
> Side note: As Alchemy is either non-existent or very nerfed in this AU, instead of trying to bring their mom back/going through the Gate, Ed and Al were in a very bad car crash. Ed lost his leg, Al died for a few minutes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This continues from exactly where the last chapter left off. So some talks of homophobia stuff.   
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Pantastic:** OMFG

 **Pantastic:** It took forever, but I finally managed to find Ed’s fight on youtube and hoo boy is it glorious!

**Pantastic:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbfvR5JOts8>**

**Totally Not A Furry:** Wow

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I heard that you took him down in one hit, but I didn’t expect it to be true.

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude. I can kick anyone’s ass

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Fucking Fantastic

 **Wrench Wench:** Look! You can see Lan Fan in the background

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I love how her expression changes

 **Waffle Iron:** Goes from terrifying cold stares to fucking pissed to ecstatic

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That might be my favorite part of the video

 **More Like A Nonja** : Personally, my favorite part of the video is the title

 **Pantastic:** Honestly I noticed that after I sent the link and have been dying with laughter ever since

 **Wrench Wench:** Wait

 **Totally Not A Furry:** OH MY GOD

 **Waffle Iron:** jfhgkjhs;a;kasl

 **Wrench Wench:** “One Punch Twink”!

 **Wrench Wench** : That’s

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s beautiful

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m not sure you really qualify as a twink but okay

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I know I know little about gay terminology but why is that not accurate?

 **Pantasitc:** As far as I know the qualifiers are ‘young, small, usually blonde’, and Ed hits all of that

 **Waffle Iron:** I will kick your ass!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah, but while ‘small’ can mean height, it usually means having a slender body

 **Wrench Wench:** You have a point there

 **Pantastic:** Am I missing something?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not sure where this is headed but I suddenly feel the ‘teen body hate’ creeping up?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Choose your next words carefully

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** No! I don’t mean anything bad!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** But the ‘twink’ body type has little muscle or fat

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You actually have a lot of muscle. Obvs you’re not, like, The Rock. But you can easily lift a lot or, well, punch the fuck out of someone. And, okay the next thing might sound rude but you do have just a little bit of fat but it’s the healthy kind that people are supposed to have and tbh I like it anyway?

 **Waffle Iron:** That had me feel a few conflicting things but I think overall thanks?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Also you’re hairier than you look. Not ridiculously, but more than I expected.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think you just wandered back into ‘asskicking territory’

 **Wrench Wench:** True.

 **Pantastic:** Harier??

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll give you that point

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah… that’s definitely a point with us.

 **Pantastic:** I repeat: Harrier??

 **Pantastic:** Your faces are smooth af

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Excuse me for shaving!

 **Wrench Wench:** It’s because they’re blonde

 **Waffle Iron:** Pretty much. The hair grows fast, but I can usually skip shaving my face for a couple days because it’s too light to see.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And, as twinks are supposed to be hairless and slender, I argue that you’re not a twink

 **More Like A Nonja:** He’s a twink from a distance

 **Waffle Iron:** You know what? I really don’t care.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Even if I say I think that you could easily pull off facial hair if you wanted to try growing it out?

 **Wrench Wench:** We’ve come full circle

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How?

 **Wrench Wench:** [cryptid.png](https://78.media.tumblr.com/fdd76c852c50df33764d75fcaf1450c9/tumblr_mr0drjitvt1so31m2o1_400.gif)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** So I just heard frustrated screams from the other room

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** THAT’S NOT WHY I SAID IT BUT I’M NOT WRONG

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

 **Waffle Iron:** Hey, Al?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Are you okay? You never dm people?

 **Waffle Iron:** About the whole ‘me being Bi’ thing

 **Waffle Iron:** How… what do you think mom would’ve thought if she were here?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What brought that up?

 **Waffle Iron:** Remember how Lan Fan said the guy I punched crossed a line?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He said something about that?

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s why I hit him

 **Waffle Iron:** But I’ve been thinking about it a lot

 **Waffle Iron:** And I try to tell myself ‘it’s mom. Of course she’d still love me.’ But there are plenty of parents who love their kids until they come out.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know, but it’s mom

 **Waffle Iron:** And I have no idea how she’d have felt about this

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We could ask Granny? She might know mom’s opinions.

 **Waffle Iron:** Maybe.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Idk if it’ll help, since it’s speculation, but I think mom would’ve been fine with it

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know what kind of person she was. She cared about everyone, maybe too much. I don’t think this sort of thing would’ve changed how she felt about you.

 **Waffle Iron:** It does help, somewhat.

 **Waffle Iron:** Out-logic anxiety, you know?

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks, really.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Anytime.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I'm going to grab some comfort snacks from the kitchen then head over to your room, okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** Way ahead of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any mood whiplash. Kinda. This honestly isn't the worst case of mood whiplash I've written.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to mention, but bonus points to whoever can guess the reference in Lan Fan's username. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke

**More Like A Nonja:** I just witnessed the most Beautiful thing

 **Ding Dong Bitch** : Lan Fan no

 **Waffle Iron:** Lan Fan YES

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed and Lan Fan agreeing is a terrifying thought

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Have you noticed how many terrifying/ominous things are said in this chat?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Unfortunately

 **Pantasitc:** Hush! Let her tell us the Beautiful thing

 **More Like A Nonja:** As usual, I came into school with Ling. And since they started dating, Ed usually drops by us on the way to our first class

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Lan Fan, please

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I am begging you not to continue

 **More Like A Nonja:** Alright.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Ed can tell it

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** THAT’S WORSE

 **Waffle Iron:** ALRIGHT LISTEN UP FUCKERS

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Here we go

 **Waffle Iron:** I go to say hello. Standard hug and a quick kiss before sprinting to class.

 **Waffle Iron:** Except when I hug him, I feel something poking my leg

 **Pantastic:** OwO What’s this?

 **Wrench Wench:** I feel like that should be Al’s line

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So far I am not seeing what’s beautiful about this

 **Waffle Iron:** Now, for whatever reason, I felt kinda flirty this morning.

 **Waffle Iron:** So I say ‘is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** To quote Paninya: ‘OwO What’s this?’

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** No

 **Waffle Iron:** THIS MOTHER FUCKER JUST PULLS AN ENTIRE FUCKING BANANA OUT OF HIS POCKET

 **Wrench Wench:** OMFG

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You’re right, that is beautiful

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Guys I’m going to get caught texting because I can’t with this right now

 **Pantastic:** I am so glad I have a chill teacher this class because oh my fuck I can’t

 **More Like A Nonja:** And then Ed took the banana and stormed off

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Which is rude because I am hungry

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Seriously that was breakfast

 **More Like A Nonja:** Actually it was second breakfast

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What are you, a Hobbit?

 **Wrench Wench:** If Ling’s a Hobbit and Ed’s a Dragon then we finally have the Bilbo x Smaug fic we always wanted

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That’s not something I wanted to ever have knowledge of

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Waffle Iron** )

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sorry if this comes out wrong, but are you actually upset about the banana thing or are you being dramatic?

 **Waffle Iron:** I know what you mean, but tbh I have no idea

 **Waffle Iron:** It was hilarious and maybe I should be laughing about the whole thing, but feel upset about it, I’m not sure why?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Maybe because it did kind of ruin your attempt at being flirty?

 **Waffle Iron:** That might be it…

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m sorry for that. If it helps, it was a good line.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Although, I do wonder. If it was just that I was ‘happy to see you’, how would you have reacted?

 **Waffle Iron:** Probably flustered?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Fair. But if you do want to get that flustered… ;P

 **Waffle Iron:** At least buy a guy dinner first

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Hey, you stole my breakfast. You should be buying me dinner!

 **Waffle Iron:** How about we settle for a lunch of vending machine snacks?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** A decent compromise. Usually I’d prefer a warm meal, but cafeteria food is not romantic

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh fuck no. Not unless ‘chicken sandwich that tastes like dog food’ is somehow sexy

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I weep for whoever is into that


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Local fashion disasters find a bigger fashion disaster. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Usually when a couple says ‘can’t we go one date without a fight?’ it means there’s problems.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And then there’s us

 **Wrench Wench:** What did Ed do?

 **Pantastic:** I was about to say ‘how do we know Ed did it?’ but then I reread that sentence

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Did someone call you short again?

 **Waffle Iron:** Technically, but that’s not why the fight started and also they had no right to say that

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why not?

 **Waffle Iron:** Because that’s like you calling me short!

 **Waffle Iron:** This random itty bitty twelve year old comes out of nowhere and is calling me short? Please

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Actually they were fourteen

 **Pantastic:** How do you know the age of random children?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Because Ed had called them out for looking like they’re twelve and they yelled back ‘I’m fourteen you asshole!’, as  grumpy fourteen year old do

 **Wrench Wench:** So why’d the fight actually start then?

 **Waffle Iron:** Fucker insulted my fashion sense.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Really? You have tacky taste? I had no idea!

 **Powerhouse Princess:** Very emo

 **Waffle Iron:** I don’t think I look that emo

 **Wench Wrench:** Who wants to break it to him?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll admit to some similarities between subgenres, but I think I’m more ‘Punk with heavy Goth undertones’ than straight up emo. 

 **Pantastic:** I guess? Still doesn’t give you the right to call out someone else’s fashion

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Trust me, he was allowed.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m not going to trust the fashion judgment of Ling “this is more of a titties out look” Yao.

 **Waffle Iron:** While we can be a bit Extra™, at least I don’t wear a crop top and a skort

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Wait a second.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** A skort???

 **Pantastic:** Do you not know what a skort is?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know what they are, but I haven’t seen anyone wear them in years?

 **Wrench Wench:** Like a ‘normal skirt but with shorts under it’ skort or a ‘I stuck a strip of cloth into the waistband of my shorts’ skort?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** The second one. 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** As a girl who likes to look girly but is also very active, I can appreciate the form/function aspect of a skort. But that’s just, like, the mullet of skirts.

 **Waffle Iron:**  Do not

 **Waffle Iron:** Do not get me started on their hair

 **Pantastic:** What was wrong with their hair?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I believe at one point Ed shouted ‘if you weren’t so short you’d look like a palm tree!’ at them

 **Totally Not A Furry:** dsjkfhs

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Really???

 **Wrench Wench:** On one hand, this sounds like an outfit to make fun of. On the other hand, I feel like everyone is entitled to their own fashion taste no matter how horrible

 **Waffle Iron:** Hey, they made fun of my fashion first. It’s only fair.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So did you actually fight them or what?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Never got that far. The kid’s friend/maybe sister showed up and got the two of them to shut up. If only so we didn't all get kicked out of the place. 

 **Pantastic:** Was the friend/maybe sister also a fashion disaster?

 **Waffle Iron:** Her fashion was better. A little heavy on the cleavage, but fine. Kinda looked like she would wear long coats with fur collars in the winter, but in that ‘my husband died in mysterious circumstances and left me all of his riches’ way.

 **More Like A Nonja:** With a sentence like that, how did we ever think you were straight?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I still wonder how you missed that

 **Wrench Wench:** ‘heavy on the cleavage’ You going full gay or still bi?

 **Waffle Iron:** First, still Bi.  Secondly, I was judging basic fashion, not whether I found her attractive or not. Thirdly, isn’t there some sort of protocol of ‘don’t talk about other people you’re attracted to in front of your partner’?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Considering the Cryptid situation….

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m never living that down, am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I had to have more characters appear off screen. And I will take any opportunity to drag them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Local Author calls self out. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Ed

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** My dearest

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** The light of my life

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh no

 **Wrench Wench:** What’d he do?

 **Waffle Iron:** Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed now does not sound like the time

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What, pray tell, the fuck

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** is up with your fucking hair?????????????

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, it’s currently down since I was about to shower

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Do you have

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** ANY IDEA

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** how many long golden hairs I have found around my house?!

 **Pantastic:** Wow, I’ve found some of his hair around, but never a complainable amount. How often do you have him over?  >;3c

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not unless Ed’s been sneaking out at night

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Suspicious

 **Wrench Wench:** Nah, that just happens with you two

 **Waffle Iron:** What do you mean?

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed

 **Wrench Wench:** Your hair gets goddamn everywhere

 **Waffle Iron:** Well yeah, it’s hair?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s what hair does?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ed, I could make a wig from the amount of hair I’ve found

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** not to mention the places I’ve found it!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t want to know

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** The thing that kicked this off was doing laundry and pulling a long golden hair off of freshly cleaned and dried underwear!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I just said I didn’t want to know!

 **Pantastic:** Okay, that’s kinda gross

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’ve even found your hair in places you’ve never been!

 **More Like A Nonja:** I like how that sentence implies that your underwear is a place he’s been

 **Waffle Iron:** alhfskkhjshf

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s not!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Lan Fan I’m being serious here

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I have found his hair in my fucking car, and you know exactly how impossible that is

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It probably was stuck to your clothes and fell off when you drove somewhere

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** you say that like it’s normal!

 **Waffle Iron:** It is?

 **Waffle Iron:** Al and I find our hair everywhere. Hell, I’ve found his hair in my laundry before

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You can tell whose is whose?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** My hair is shorter, though there is some overlap with the longer parts of my hair and the shorter parts of Ed’s

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m still not getting what the problem is

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed, think about it this way:

 **Wrench Wench:** How many times have you found Ling’s hair on your clothes?

 **Wrench Wench:** Or, you know what? You’ve known me since I was born. How often do you find my hair around you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay, now that you mention it…

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well, we learn new things every day

 **Pantastic:** So, you two shed a fuckton and you never noticed?

 **Waffle Iron:** To be fair, it seemed normal to us?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How come no one else brought it up?

 **Wrench Wench:** Because they haven’t been over to anyone else’s place often enough to have it brought up until now.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well why didn’t you bring it up then?

 **Wrench Wench:** Because I’ve known you forever and I’m used to it

 **Wrench Wench:** I have this oddly vivid memory of being four and watching your mom attempt to vacuum

 **Wrench Wench** : I say ‘attempt’ because she got half-way through the living room before having to detangle all the hair caught in it

 **Waffle Iron:** I blame the cryptid

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Seriously though this is cryptid-level

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I have found so much hair, yet you still have so much on your head

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** It’s like living with a golden retriever

 **Wrench Wench:** Wait until you see his hairbrush

 **Pantastic:** What’s wrong with his hairbrush??

 **Waffle Iron:** You make it sound like I don’t clean it

 **Wrench Wench:** No, I know you do. Because it goes from ‘clean’ to ‘giant hairball’ after one brush

 **Wrench Wench:** My question is, since we’re learning fun facts about Ed and Al, when are we going to reverse this and learn fun facts about Ling?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I recently learned that Ling can climb to a second story window and then, upon finding he’s at the wrong window, hop over to the other windowsill

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Hmm

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Wonder how you learned that

 **Wrench Wench:** Hey Ed, any chance you have a defense?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s officially in the shower and won’t see this message for a while

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** For the record, I did it because he forgot his phone charger and I was avoiding the inevitable shovel talk

 **Pantastic:** Fair

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m sorry, I just got back, but did you call Ed a golden retriever?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** They shed a lot

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well, now we know what his Fursona would be

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You know, sentences like that make me wonder if your username is sarcastic or not

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I like the aesthetic but I’m not as /into it/ as some people

 **Wrench Wench:** AKA: he doesn’t have a fursuit but it’s easy to get him into animal costumes if you have one on hand

 **Pantastic:** DO YOU HAVE A FURSONA???

 **Totally Not A Furry:** …

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s a cat

 **More Like A Nonja:** Everybody wants to be a cat!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Because a cat’s the only cat who knows where it’s at

 **Wrench Wench:** Tell me, everybody’s picking up on that feline beat!

 **Pantastic:** ‘Cause everything else is obsolete!

 **Waffle Iron:** I hate all of you for several reasons but especially because you got that fucking song stuck in my head now

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for nothing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Local teen has issues, and the school system sucks at acknowledging that. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> (I mentioned in previous chapters that in this AU, instead of trying to bring their mom back Ed and Al got in a bad car crash. Well this has to do with that so be warned)

**Waffle Iron:** You know

 **Waffle Iron:** You’d think the school guidance counselor would open a kid’s file once in a while

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Why were you in the guidance counselor’s office??

 **Waffle Iron:** Figuring out my schedule for next semester

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’ve noticed that they tend to just call people up at random and only open the file once you’re there

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Wow such efficiency.

 **Wrench Wench:** If I had a dollar for every time the school system did some bullshit

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh, just wait until you hear what was said in the meeting

 **Pantastic:** That’s fucking ominous

 **Waffle Iron:** “We do have plenty of space in our driving class next semester! You know, most boys your age would love to be zooming around in their cars and impressing their girlfriends.”

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** WELL FUCK

 **Pantastic:** That got worse and worse with every word

 **Wrench Wench:** Yeah, that’s maybe why they should read the files before kids get there!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** I might’ve immediately slammed into disassociating, walked out without explanation, and hid in Gramps’ office.

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s currently having a talk with the counselor about what happened.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Do you want me to come be comforting?

 **Waffle Iron:** Do I want you to skip class and walk directly into the principal’s office?

 **Waffle Iron:** The teen rebellion in me says yes, but the part of me that’s not an idiot wants me to remind all of you to not be on your phones in class

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You messaged us

 **Waffle Iron:** I am also not in the best mindset right now

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s it. I’m coming down.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll be fine

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Too late. Already in the hall.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** The teacher told him to sit back down, but he told her to take it up with the principal

 **Wrench Wench:** To be fair, we’d all do the same, but Al’s the only one who can get away with it

 **More Like A Nonja:** Is there a way to tie someone up in the middle of class without drawing attention to oneself? Because Ling looks about ready to vault out the window and sprint across the courtyard.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I was thinking about using the door and jumping off the balcony, but okay

 **Waffle Iron:** … Maybe I should learn to drive

 **Wrench Wench:** You do realize that’s a bad idea and not a decision you should make in this mindset, right?

 **Waffle Iron:** I get that but it’s like

 **Waffle Iron:** Usually I can just walk anywhere, and I’ve gotten used to Riza and Roy driving when it’s something farther. I don’t even stop and freak out anymore unless something happens during the ride but

 **Waffle Iron:** I haven’t been on a road trip with them

 **Waffle Iron:** Or what if I want to go on a road trip with someone else? Like if we all wanted to go on vacation on our own somewhere?

 **Waffle Iron:** Leaving the city would involve a vehicle of some sort

 **Waffle Iron:** And what if I wanted to leave in a more permanent way?

 **Waffle Iron:** Like, moving out and going to college and eventually a job of some sort.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** That’s not a decision you have to make today

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll have to figure it out eventually

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Tell you what

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Give it a few days to chill and think it over. If you still want to do that, then start small. Maybe don’t hop in the driver’s seat just yet. We can use my car and just get you used to being in a vehicle more often first, okay?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Perhaps by spring or summer break we could take a short roadtrip somewhere

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, I think that’s a good idea

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks. Love you.

 **More Like A Nonja:** So, Ling just got caught texting because that message made him squeak, and he got sent up to the principals’ office anyway.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Was that the first time you said ‘I love you’?

 **Waffle Iron:** It might’ve been?

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s adorable

 **Princess Powerhouse:** As adorable as it is, you all should stop texting in class

 **Pantastic:** Or we could all get caught and sent to the office?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Guys, no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this stopped for a few days. I had a bunch of stuff go down IRL and was too exhausted to post. I mean, I only have so many chapters pre-written, but I do have a few more to toss up.   
> Next one is... interesting...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought I wouldn't have more gay tossed in, you thought wrong. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Totally Not A Furry:** So, announcement for the day

 **Pantastic:** Last time someone said that we found out Ed wasn’t as straight as we thought so I’m dreading what you’re announcing

 **Totally Not A Furry:** uh…

 **Wrench Wench:** Please tell me you’re not doing the same thing

 **Waffle Iron:** I love the comedic timing you have

 **Pantastic:** I hate it! Why can’t I have your comedic timing?!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Do you really want to be part of a slapstick routine?

 **Pantastic:** Fair

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Anyway, I believe Al was about to tell us about how I really am this group's token straight friend?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** So that’s sort of what I was announcing? I’ve been kind of thinking about it for a while. Not sure about an exact label yet, but after today it’s ‘Definitely Not Straight’.

 **Waffle Iron:** Wait, does this have to do with what happened downtown?

 **Wrench Wench:** The hell happened downtown?

 **Pantastic:** Unless you managed to wander into a gay bar…

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t think it was a gay bar

 **Waffle Iron:** He did wander off though. And he found his people.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** ‘his people’?

 **Waffle Iron:** Furries

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They weren’t furries!

 **Waffle Iron:** They were all wearing shirts with animal puns. Except for the one guy, but he was wearing a fur-collared vest.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Definitely furries

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So what does a group of furries have to do with figuring out your sexuality?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think you just answered that question

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Fair

 **Waffle Iron:** Vest guy was flirting with him and he was very flustered.

 **Wrench Wench:** Regular flustered or you-level flustered?

 **Waffle Iron:** I can’t answer that without dragging myself

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You-level flustered it is

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Actually, that brings up a question I’m more coherent enough to ask. Why didn’t you get flustered?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Vest guy flirt with Ed too?

 **Pantastic:** You jealous?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** More like reverse jealousy. Others want him, but he’s Mine :)

 **Waffle Iron:** I wasn’t flustered because he wasn’t flirting with me.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Did you not see him staring at you?

 **Waffle Iron:** His staring didn’t feel like that. He seemed more shocked and confused by me. I think he was trying to remember where we met, but we haven’t met before so he couldn’t figure it out.

 **Wrench Wench:** Maybe you have an Evil Twin

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think it’s more ‘maybe you have a good twin’

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude

 **More Like A Nonja:** Maybe he met the Cryptid.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ruder.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Somehow the Cryptid is the more likely scenario

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Best/worst idea: he met the Cryptid’s Evil Twin.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think at this point I’m going to start keeping a tally of terrifying/ominous statements said in this chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This went places. Many places.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help Them
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Is Ed… okay???

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I was about to ask the same thing about Al. What’s up with Ed?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** He doesn’t seem all there?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** He sounded overenthusiastic as he rambled off something unintelligible, grinning like a madman and nearly vibrating in place. His hair looks like he got hairsprayed on a rollercoaster. And there’s this look in his eyes that just… idk how to put it

 **More Like A Nonja:** it makes him look like a mad scientist about to snap and experiment on everything he touches while also ascending into the astral realm?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Exactly!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** yeah, that’s the look I’m getting from Al right now.

 **Pantastic:** Maybe keep them away from sharp objects?

 **Wrench Wench:** You do realize it’s midterms week, right?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah, and everyone’s a bit crazy. But this is some next-level shit

 **Pantastic:** They are next-level people  ¯\\_( ツ)_/¯

 **Wrench Wench:** Sure, most people go a little nuts for midterms and finals. But most people aren’t taking every AP-level Science class the school has.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Wait, what?

 **Wrench Wench:** Did you not know that?

 **Pantastic:** Oh. That explains it. I thought they just had a really wild science class that did everything. Multiple classes makes more sense.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How??? How are they even doing that? I know they have elective classes so what about math or the other core classes??

 **Wrench Wench:** Technically you only need four ‘credits’ of each core class to graduate. Once you get those, you can replace your schedule with whichever classes you want. Most would go for more electives, but no. They have to be nerds and pick more science classes.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** They’re sophmores??? Where’d they get the extra credits??

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. Our Middle School had something similar to AP classes. Basically if you took those classes then it counts toward High School credits. They managed to knock out core classes last year with that.

 **Pantastic:** That’s fucking insane.

 **Wrench Wench:** What’s insane is that, knowing them, they’re going on the ‘third day of no sleep and eight coffees/energy drinks this morning’ point.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Please tell me you mean collectively and not individually?

 **More Like A Nonja:** I just witnessed Ed pouring his leftover coffee into a half-full energy drink can.

 **More Like A Nonja:** He drank the entire concoction and now I am concerned.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** After class I am dragging them somewhere quiet and making them take a nap

 **Wrench Wench:** brute strength doesn’t work. You have to use trickery.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I can and will tie them down for their health.

 **Pantastic:** Now we know what you’re into

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Not my intention, if only because you can’t consent when you’ve ascended into the astral realm.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m surprised. I can see that they’re reading this chat but neither is responding

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Im here just focusing on things well be fine and crash after midterns cathc up on sleeping

 **Waffe Iron:** guys I just had theb est idea

 **Waffle Iron:** we should start a youtube channle

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** collectively or just you?

 **Wrench Wench:** Don’t encourage him while he’s like this

 **Waffle Iron:** both I guess have our own channels and a collaboration channels

 **Waffle Iron:** mines going to be ‘Mythbusters but we can say FUCK’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That actually sounds interesting and now I’m concerned that you’re so out of it that I’m agreeing with you.

 **Waffle Iron:** im not out of it youve just finally seen the light

 **Pantastic:** it sounds like you’re about to be seeing a light any second now

 **Totally Not A Furry:** eh were fine no where near death thatd be more peaceful right now all I can feel is science

 **Totally Not A Furry:** science feels more like elecrticity ha It's electric! Boogie woogie, woogie!

 **Waffle Iron:** Im science 2: electric boogaloo


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Group Chat now comes with 10% more kinkshaming!(seriously, it gets a bit nsfw but in a comedy way)
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.(in this chapter, most are jokes)

**Totally Not A Furry:** Who wants the hot gossip on the Ed/Ling Romance?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You give us the best info!

 **Wrench Wench:** Give us the details before your brother murders you

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [OwO.png](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/bf/4d/3c/bf4d3c42b3e5ea77402a192b33b74cc9.gif)

 **Pantastic:** I hate that file name

 **Wrench Wench:** Ohoho!

 **Wrench Wench:** Is that a hickey I see?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well it wasn’t from a curling iron that’s for sure

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Mostly because I’m not sure we own one?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You probably do, it’s just buried in a closet somewhere

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Tbh, when Ed takes his hair out of the braid it’s wavy enough so he doesn’t need it

 **Pantastic:** I see you’re avoiding answering the real question

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I assumed the question was rhetorical

 **Wrench Wench:** It was ;P

 **Waffle Iron:** Alphonse, my dearest brother

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’re fucked

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh no

 **Pantastic:** Rest In Fucking Pieces

 **Waffle Iron:** You could have easily pulled me aside and told me that I missed a spot with the concealer this morning

 **Waffle Iron:** Instead, you decided to take a picture and send it to everyone, as it was such ‘hot gossip’

 **Waffle Iron:** So, from now on, any more ‘hot gossip’ about my love life will happen in this group chat instead of private messages to everyone else

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I suddenly regret everything

 **Pantastic:** How is that a bad thing?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Because it’s one thing to tease your sibling over hypothetical funtime, but it’s awkward to actually know what they’re doing

 **Waffle Iron:** Mei I somewhat apologize in advance of getting you tossed into the crossfire here

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I like how you say ‘somewhat apologize’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Eh, it’s kind of different

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Ling’s my brother so there’s the base squick factor, but we don’t have as much of a sibling bond due to only getting along for less than a year so it’s probably not as bad.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** jokes about regretting my life decisions aside, it’s pretty much the same as what you described. A base squick factor, but it’s not the worst thing

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. If it was ridiculously gross or something, then grossing him out would be punishment for myself as well.

 **Pantastic:** I get that part, but I meant more ‘you two already know everything about each other I’m surprised you don’t know that stuff already’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not a subject that usually comes up. I'll probably still reply with a 'I don't need to know that!' but I'd do the same if the rest of you brought up that subject

 **Waffle Iron:** That said, I already planned on updating the rest of you about that subject at some point. Yeah it’ll be embarrassing and awkward, but telling him is only slightly more embarrassing and awkward by comparison.

 **Wrench Wench:** Does that mean we have free reign to ask whatever we like? Because I want some details!

 **More Like A Nonja:** My question is, when Ed said he ‘missed a spot with the concealer’, does that mean there are spots he didn’t miss?

 **Pantastic:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Waffle Iron:** … Curse my wording.

 **Wrench Wench:** A picture is worth a thousand words

 **Waffle Iron:** I already used enough concealer earlier I’m not going to wash it off and waste more later just to show you

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Well…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I can see where this is going so I’m just going to mute this chat for a while

 **Wrench Wench:** Tell me you have pics

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** A couple. And the marks are a bit fresher in them.

 **Pantastic:** Don’t keep us in suspense!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m not sending them if Ed’s not okay with it

 **Waffle Iron:** Just go ahead.

 **Waffle Iron:** I already pointed out that my only complaint was wasting concealer because makeup is fucking expensive

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay, but Paninya might want Safe For Work Sasuke on hand just in case

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** [Honey.png](https://media1.tenor.com/images/20179950f12d93ec77d6c3d73adaab9b/tenor.gif?itemid=5525787)

 **Waffle Iron:** The hell is with that file name?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Several inside jokes ;p

 **Wrench Wench:** TBH I’m trying to think of a response but I’m legit speechless here.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Damn

 **Pantastic:** Holy Fuckles

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s a good summary. “Holy Fuckles”

 **Totally Not A Furry:** you’re going to kill me with morbid curiosity, aren’t you?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Morbid curiosity has murdered me and my ghost is wondering how you hid all that with concealer

 **Waffle Iron:** It was a lot of concealer and color correcting

 **Pantastic:** Hold the front door! A few of those marks look like straight up bites.

 **Pantastic:** I gotta know which one of you was into that part  >:3c

 **Wrench Wench:** Knowing Ed, if he didn’t like it he would’ve put a stop to it

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Seriously? Biting?

 **Waffle Iron:** What? Like you don’t have some sort of kinks?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** My only kink is genuine love and affection!

 **Waffle Iron:** Too unrealistic. Settle for bondage like the rest of us

 **Ding Dong Bitch:**  aslgkhjdfh

 **Wrench Wench:** Was that for comedy or do you have a confession to make?

 **Waffle Iron:** I said it for comedy but I’m staying quiet on whether it’s true or not

 **Pantastic:** I already know at least one of you is lying, so jot that down

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Who’s lying about whatnow?

 **Pantastic:** Well

 **Pantastic:** Let’s just say that the last time we went to the mall, I noticed a certain someone hang behind and buy a certain something that was then hidden at the bottom of another bag.

 **Wrench Wench:** Ohoho!

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed, have any comments?

 **Waffle Iron:** Usually this is where I’d accidentally confess by going ‘omfg you saw that?! I hate you so much! I’ll kick your ass’

 **Waffle Iron:** But for once it wasn’t me

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I was really hoping you’d take the fall for that

 **More Like A Nonja:** Now that’s interesting. What was it you bought?

 **Wrench Wench:** Paninya, since you know what it is, is it something picture-worthy or should he just tell us?

 **Pantastic:** The picture itself would be more sfw than that pic of Ed from earlier, but the implications are a bit worse

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I feel like this is karma for starting this whole conversation

 **Waffle Iron:** [Turntables.png](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e5/d4/5e/e5d45eab567d9a84e7e61477fabb6f07.jpg)

 **Wrench Wench:** Just send a pic already

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I hate all of you

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Quick question to Ed: If I have a positive reaction to whatever he sends, will I be murdered?

 **Waffle Iron:** depends on how positive.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [killmenow.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/a311565e4a388d201905575da14b7442/tumblr_inline_pffcyoIimQ1spt2o4_250.gif)

 **Wrench Wench:** HOLY FUCKLES

 **Pantastic:** Told you

 **Waffle Iron:** okay you definitely asked for this!

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not going to be kinkshamed by the guy who bought a FUCKING COLLAR

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You’ve made your point

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** My reaction is positive, but I think it’s a positive I won’t get murdered for.

 **Waffle Iron:** ???

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’re imagining Ed in the collar, aren’t you?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Little bit, yeah

 **Waffle Iron:** akhdslfghlhs;d

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I somewhat regret checking this chat again.

 **Pantastic:** ‘somewhat regret’ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I still hate all of this

 **Waffle Iron:** Get revenge by outing everyone else’s kinks

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I would, but I don’t think I know anyone else’s kinks.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m betting on Ling having a food kink though

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Surprisingly no

 **Pantastic:** Really?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Why lick whipped cream off a guy when I can just spray it directly into my mouth?

 **Wrench Wench:** You make a fair point.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Also a wonderful innuendo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone help these disasters. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Waffle Iron:** Help

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You actually need help, or is this more of a sarcastic help?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m only dying from embarrassment so…

 **Wrench Wench:** What happened?

 **Waffle Iron:** It hasn’t happened yet, technically. But I was somewhat planning on spending at least one night this weekend at Ling’s place

 **Pantastic:** I know we’re hanging out Saturday, but was there some slumber party I forgot about?

 **Pantastic:** Nevermind. Win’s wiggling her eyebrows at me so I get the idea

 **Waffle Iron:** Not the plan

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So why is that a problem?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You don’t have to come over if you don’t want to

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s not the problem

 **Waffle Iron:** The problem is that I technically need to ask for permission to go over, or at least let everyone know where I’ll be

 **Waffle Iron:** And if I tell Roy and Riza ‘hey, I’m going to go spend the night at my boyfriend’s house’, what do you think will happen?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They’ll give you the safe sex talk?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yes.

 **Waffle Iron:** and it’s going to be awkward as FUCK

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I apologize in advance

 **Pantastic:** You could give a half-truth and not tell them you’ll be alone?

 **Wrench Wench:** Bad idea. Besides, Ed’s not good at lying. Al at least has a pokerface.

 **Waffle Iron:** Even if I was good at lying, it’d be found out pretty quickly. If it was a group slumber party then Al would be going too. But if I go somewhere and he doesn’t, then it’s suspicious.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You could both go to separate sleepovers? Or just use the fact that Ling’s house is fucking huge so you could both go over there and Al could just play Zelda on the other side of the place.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m not going to do that alone so it might as well be ‘group sleepover where they wander off while the rest of us play Mario Kart’

 **Waffle Iron:** As much as I want to avoid the awkwardness, that’s a little over the top even for me

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll have to face it. I just really don’t want to.

 **Wrench Wench:** They are trying to help

 **Waffle Iron:** I get that, but I think I already know everything I can without experiencing it?

 **Waffle Iron:** Unless you get cake for losing your virginity and no one told me, I think we’re good.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I got cake. Then again, it was also my birthday so I got cake either way.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** How did I not know about your lack of virginity?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You didn’t ask

 **Pantastic:** Did Ed ask?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** No, but he was ‘not asking’ very loudly

 **Waffle Iron:** Past romance is something that comes up in a relationship.

 **Pantastic:** Fair point

 **Waffle Iron:** Ugh

 **Waffle Iron:** I just have to get the whole thing over with, don’t I?

 **Wrench Wench:** Good luck

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Have fun!

* * *

 

 **Totally Not A Furry:** oh god they’re killing two birds with one stone and dragging me in too

 **More Like A Nonja:** Have fun!

* * *

 **Waffle Iron:** Well that was awkward

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Probably less awkward than expected, right?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It was worse

 **Wrench Wench:** I’m scared to ask why

 **Pantastic:** I have still yet to learn that lesson, so I’ll ask why it was awkward.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** because I’m pretty sure Roy was explaining from experience

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Well, he and Riza are married. I assume he has had experience with sex.

 **Wrench Wench:** So you should’ve expected that

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh, trust me. I’m aware enough to realize that he’s probably had sex before and knows how it works so that he can give a safe sex talk

 **Waffle Iron:** However, while he did give the generic safe sex talk, he also elaborated a bit on safe m/m sex

 **Pantastic:** Are you implying that you think Roy’s been with a guy before?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** more like he was implying it himself

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess that shouldn’t be more awkward than what we already expected, but it’s still a revelation I didn’t expect.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I have questions and I’m not sure I want the answers

 **Totally Not A Furry:** same

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Waffle Iron** )

 **Wrench Wench:** So I happened to notice something in our earlier conversation

 **Waffle Iron:** something you had to DM me for?

 **Wrench Wench:** yeah

 **Wrench Wench:** It’s just that, well, considering the state of your neck the other week, I sort of assumed that you and Ling might’ve already slept together, but apparently that’s your weekend plans.

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s not!

 **Wrench Wench:** Really?

 **Waffle Iron:** We didn’t say ‘hey, how about we spend the night together specifically for this’. We just want to spend time together

 **Waffle Iron:** Obviously I realize things could easily slip into that territory but it’s not a solid plan

 **Wrench Wench:** That makes sense, but I was focusing more on the ‘I thought you had already, but then you made that virginity cake comment’

 **Waffle Iron:** If we had, you would’ve been told about it

 **Wrench Wench:** Fair

 **Wrench Wench:** But between the marks on your neck and inviting you over I think he might be hinting toward that

 **Waffle Iron:** if anything it’s the opposite

 **Wrench Wench:** ???

 **Waflle Iron:** Okay, you need full context…

 **Waffle Iron:** A while back Ling kinda made a joke about it. You know, we were hanging out at his place, and his mom’s rarely there so we were alone. So he made a comment about how we had free reign to do ‘anything’.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not sure what expression I made, but he immediately jumped to reassuring me that it wasn’t really ‘a move’. That he refused to pressure me into anything. And honestly, he hasn’t. He hasn’t even brought it up.

 **Wrench Wench:** Even with the whole biting thing?

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay, so some makeout sessions have been a bit… heated. But he hasn’t gone further than that.

 **Wrench Wench:** Big question: Do you want to take things further?

 **Waffle Iron:** Maybe?

 **Waffle Iron:** When I’m here sitting and thinking it’s like ‘I think so, but I’m nervous as hell’. But when we’re in mid-makeout, there’s kind of a heat of the moment thing where if he did try something I’d go for it. Tbh I’m surprised he hasn’t yet all things considered.

 **Wrench Wench:** Well, he did say he wouldn’t pressure you and stuck to that

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, but uh…

 **Waffle Iron:** During some of those makeout sessions my reaction can get a bit… vocal.

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh?  >:3c?

 **Waffle Iron:** Don’t laugh you ass

 **Waffle Iron:** But the point is that you would think he’d take that as an indication of what I want

 **Wrench Wench:** Well, next time you could always start something yourself

 **Wrench Wench:** Just go for it

 **Waffle Iron:** The problem there is that I have many reasons why I’d prefer for him to take control of the situation. At the very least he knows more about what to do

 **Wrench Wench:** communication is key

 **Wrench Wench:** God I sound like some bullshit psa

 **Wrench Wench:** Point is, even if you think you’re dropping hints about stuff, it’s better to outright tell him. Even the most observant of people should talk about things, and we know that everyone in this group can be an oblivious idiot sometimes.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re right but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it

 **Wrench Wench:** Who knows. Maybe you really will get a cake for it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fuckening

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll work on it, okay?

 **Wrench Wench:** Good.

 **Waffle Iron:** seriously though, thanks.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have this bucket of angst in time for our favorite holiday! (Seriously though, trigger warnings for a handful of things that you can guess from the first few lines)
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Totally Not A Furry:** Is anyone up?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I am, unfortunately. What’s up?

 

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Princess Powerhouse** )

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Sorry I know it’s late but I need someone to talk to

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Are you okay?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No

 **Princess Powerhouse:** ???

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Nightmare. Flashback. From the accident.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’ll do what I can to help, but I’m not sure how to. Maybe you should wake Ed?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not yet. I don’t think I can talk to him about this yet

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why not? He already knows about this stuff. I know you two haven’t gone into as much detail with me, but you both experienced it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** This is different.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know we told you that I died.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But I haven’t told anyone what it was like

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Not even Ed?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not even Ed.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Was it really that bad?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That was a dumb question. You died. Of course it was bad.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not that. It’s just…

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know how people see stuff when they die? The usual story is the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’, but some people see other stuff?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What did you see?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I saw my mom

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Did she say anything?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** At first she didn’t even notice me.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m not sure if it was real or not. Maybe I was glimpsing into the afterlife, maybe I realized I was dying and hallucinated it to make myself feel better.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But the thing is, either way I’m pretty sure that meeting was me deciding whether or not to die

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I remember seeing her, and all I could think about was how much I miss her. I was so close to running forward and hugging her and never letting go.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Then I realized that Ed wasn’t with us. It didn’t feel right to leave him behind. We were so alone back then, but we had each other. As much as I miss mom, I didn’t want to leave him behind.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What’d you do?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Nothing. I was stuck. I didn’t realize I was choosing ‘life’ or ‘death’. I felt like I was choosing between mom and Ed.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** As much as I joke about your brother, I can see why that’d be a difficult decision.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s when mom noticed I was there. She looked confused and concerned for a moment. Then she just gave me this sad smile.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** She told me to go back. That she’d be okay being alone for a bit longer, but Ed wouldn’t be.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why not?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I didn’t really get it at the time, but looking back now… Considering how we handled mom’s death, I don’t want to imagine what he would’ve done if he lost me too.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s one reason I haven’t told Ed about it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** The other reason is because she mentioned dad

 **Totally Not A Furry:** She said that when I see him I should give him a chance, and to tell him that she still loves him.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** ‘when’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. She said ‘when’ not ‘if’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Maybe it’s just because she always believed that he’d come back. I mean, if it was a hallucination then it was in-character. But if it was really her, well, it still could’ve just been that she believed that. I don’t know if the Afterlife has knowledge of the future or not.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What does that have to do with telling Ed though?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We might joke about ‘the Cryptid’, but he still is the guy who left us ten years ago

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m not sure how I would feel meeting him again, but Ed would probably punch him in the face. Which sounds standard for Ed, but you know what I mean.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I get that. I’d probably punch my dad if I could.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s why I haven’t brought it up to him. It’s a whole can of worms and ‘what if’ scenarios.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think you should at some point.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. I will eventually. Hopefully before encountering the Cryptid.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You think he’ll actually show up?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m not hoping for it. But if he does, I at least want an answer for why he left

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Who knows? Maybe one of the ‘Cryptid theories’ will be true. Like ‘he’s an Immortal who left to save the world from disaster because he’s the only one who can’ or even a less fantastical one like ‘he’s a CIA Agent who’s been deep undercover and unable to safely return’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Was that a joke? And are jokes a sign you’re feeling better or worse?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It was, and jokes don’t always indicate ‘better or worse’. But I am feeling calmer. It helps to talk that stuff out, you know? Thanks for being there.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Glad I could help.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** As grateful as I am, why are you up this late? It’s only Thursday?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You don’t want to know

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Now I’m extra concerned. Are you okay?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah just. Ugh. PMS stuff is making it hard to sleep.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ah. I can’t help now, but do you have a snack you like? I can pick something up on the way tomorrow? And it’s late so can we skip the ‘you don’t need to buy me stuff’ routine?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Alright. Not sure what I’ll be craving at that point, but chocolate stuff is a decent default. You handled that oddly well for a guy.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** 1.) I’m a decent person. 2.) I’m a scientist who understands the human body 3.) I grew up around doctors. 4.) Winry would murder me if I was rude about it. 5.)Riza would also murder me if I was rude about it. 6.) I’m pretty sure my mom would find a way to come back and murder me if I was rude about it.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Fair point. Would the same apply to Ed if you mention why you’re doing a snack run in the morning?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Eh. 5/6. He’s not a decent person. He’s a decent gremlin.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I would pay to see you say that to his face

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You say that like I wouldn’t do it for free

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [edfilephoto.gif](http://i.imgur.com/HKOVbSA.gif)

 **Princess Powerhouse:** [dontfeeditaftermidnight.png](https://i.gifer.com/fetch/w300-preview/c7/c793d44c0b00cba12abba27b037c8fd3.gif)

  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some nsfw discussion. Because comedy.   
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Totally Not A Furry:** Hey! Ed! Where are you?

 **Wrench Wench:** Did you and Ling forget we were hanging out today or what?

 **Pantastic:** WAKE THE FUCK UP

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Can’t you just text them normally instead of blowing up the groupchat?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed tends to sleep through his ringtone, but the constant ‘ding’ from the chat should do it.

 **Pantastic:** Assuming he’s asleep and not ignoring us.

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. His icon moved. He’s up and reading.

 **Waffle Iron:** So we might’ve overslept.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How long until you two get here?

 **Waffle Iron:** It’ll be a bit. Ling’s still asleep. Keep blowing up the groupchat while I take a shower.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Why are you taking a shower???

 **Pantastic:** Why wouldn’t he be taking a shower?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He only showers at night.

 **Waffle Iron:** is it really that weird for a guy to shower in the morning?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Usually, no. But it’s you.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m learning the oddest things about you people.

 **Pantastic:** So, why the morning shower then?

 **Waffle Iron:** Uh

 **Waffle Iron:** bake me a fucking cake?

 **Wrench Wench:** Really!?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What does cake have to do with anything?

 **More Like A Nonja:** I feel that we’re missing something.

 **Pantastic:** I wouldn’t doubt that they’d have cake, considering Ling eats everything, but why does that warrant a shower? You don’t shower for cake?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Unless you have a cake fight of some sort. Frosting everywhere could get kinda sticky. Delicious, but sticky.

 **Waffle Iron:** ADSLHJFJGHSJKL

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s the modt beauriful

 **Wrench Wench:** the most beautoful thing I’vr ever seen!

 **Waffle Iron:** AL

 **Waffle Iron:** YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW RIGHT YOU ARE

 **Totally Not A Furry:** ???

 **More Like A Nonja:** Oh. I think I get it now.

 **Pantastic:** Well I’m still fucking lost

 **Wrench Wench:** Hold on! I didn’t make a physical cake, but I did grab a picture of one from the internet!

 **Wrench Wench:** [andeatittoo.png](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/71/30/e0/7130e05f479fa477ad599dae4832f927.jpg)

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks Win. I’m getting in the shower. Hopefully Ling wakes up soon.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** that is an… explicit cake

 **Pantastic:** Where do you even find a cake that says ‘congrats on getting fucked’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You couldn’t just get a regular picture of a cake?

 **Wrench Wench:** Well, the cake is literal so…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** OH

 **Pantastic:** YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I guess ‘congrats on getting fucked’ is the only thing I can think of to say here??

 **More Like A Nonja:** It’s better than saying ‘Delicious, but sticky’ again.

 **Pantastic:** OH MY GOD

 **Pantastic:** That’s why you were laughing!

 **Wrench Wench:** It’s beautiful!!!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I suddenly regret my entire existence. Thanks.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So how did Winry catch on?

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed and I kinda joked about the ‘getting a cake for losing your virginity’ thing the other night

 **Totally Not A Furry:** At least that explains why it was cake.

 **Wrench Wench:** the best part is it wasn't even a frosting innuendo. You did that on your own.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So is he going to get an actual cake or just the image?

 **Wrench Wench:** Eh, might as well make an actual cake. Probably won't put the same message on it though.

 **Wrench Wench:** We could make it a tradition. A friend loses their virginity, they get cake

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can I get apple pie instead

 **More Like A Nonja:** Have plans already?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** NOT WHAT I MEANT

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I just want to know if it’s cake-specific or if we can go for any baked dessert!

 **Pantastic:** Know what I want to know? Who did what?

 **Pantastic:** Or rather, who did who?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What?

 **Pantastic:** Ed and Ling.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think it’s pretty obvious they did each other

 **Wrench Wench:** She means top/bottom.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** oh.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t want to know, but now that you asked the question I have to know or else it’ll drive me nuts.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Morbid Curiosity will be our downfall

 **Pantastic:** Do any of you know what they like?

 **Wrench Wench:** Not specifically. Ed did mention wanting Ling to ‘take control of the situation’, so I’d guess bottom from that. Then again, he did kinda say it was due to his lack of experience. Not to mention you can still be in control as a bottom so idk.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** It might sound stereotypical, but considering Ed’s very stubborn, pushy, and overall ‘fuck you’, he might be more of a top.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** For obvious reasons I have never asked nor speculated this

 **Pantastic:** Okay, verdict on Ed seems to be up in the air. What about Ling?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Lan Fan’s still here, right? You probably know what Ling is.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yes, but it’s not helpful

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How is it not helpful?

 **More Like A Nonja:** He’s both

 **Wrench Wench:** Really?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yep. No preference.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You saying ‘yep’ is weird.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m back, Ling’s in the shower, and is this seriously what you guys are debating about?

 **Pantastic:** Just answer the question already!

 **Waffle Iron:** For once, the cake is not a lie.

 **Wrench Wench:** Did you just admit to being a bottom through a MOTHERFUCKING PORTAL REFERENCE???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, this is all I have pre-written. So updates won't happen nearly as frequently. But if anyone has suggestions for things they may talk about, well, the comment section is open!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa! What's this? A Bonus Chapter with none of the cast we've seen so far? There's at least two of these coming up so have fun!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Pride: Kinda Shady  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Kinda Shady:** You ever see a pattern on a shirt and think ‘that looks like it belongs on either a bus seat or a bowling alley carpet’?

 **Netflix And Kill:** please tell me this is theoretical and you did not see a certain someone we know actually wearing that

 **Kinda Shady:** That depends. Did you let your brother anywhere near the local thrift shops?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Damn it Greed

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Pictures please!

**Kinda Shady:[Yikes.png](https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.521580922.0621/gptr%2Cx900%2Cfront%2Cblack-c%2C200%2C205%2C210%2C230-bg%2Cf8f8f8.lite-1.jpg)**

**Gender Is An Illusion:** And he thinks my fashion is bad

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It is

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Compared to ‘bowling alley carpet’ I think I win here

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Except I admit to my odd choices. And I can actually pull off a good look when I try

 **Netflix And Kill:** He has a point

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I hate all of you

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hate you too. Why do I work with you people?

 **Kinda Shady:** Because as much as you hate us, it’s impossible not to love us?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Eh.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Speaking of terrible fashion, remember that guy I almost punched for his outfit choices?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Envy, honey, his look was better than yours.

 **Netflix And Kill:** He at least knew how to get a boyfriend

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** First of all, fuck you

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Second of all, I just found the guy’s youtube channel!

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ>

**Kinda Shady:** I’m assuming he was more of a fashion disaster when you met him?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** looked like he dug through Greed’s leather closet. AKA: Fantasy Hot Topic.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh my fuck

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** If you make any more comments about my look I swear I will murder you in your sleep

 **Ask Me Nicely** : No! Well yes but no!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s Goldilocks and Sleeping Beauty!

 **Netflix And Kill:** The blondes you’ve been pining over the last couple weeks?

 **Kinda Shady:** Huh. Small world.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What’s with those nicknames????

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I never got their real names so what else am I supposed to call them?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And for the record, I was not ‘pining’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah. That’s why you went on and on about them.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Hate to break it to you but…

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Actually I’d love to ruin you day. The long-haired one has a boyfriend already so you’re out of luck

 **Ask Me Nicely:** TBH I was more interested in Sleeping Beauty. But they’re both pretty and I wouldn’t mind having both of them and Goldilocks’ boyfriend too.

 **Kinda Shady:** What was that about ‘not pining’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’m not ‘pining’ damn it! Only reason I went on about it is because Goldilocks looks familiar but I couldn’t place it. I was trying to get Lust to think if we might’ve met them back in middle school or something.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Now that I’m seeing him in decent lighting, he does look familiar.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Never thought I’d say this, but you’re right? They both have that vibe but I get it more from him than the other.

 **Kinda Shady:** He kind of looks like Father?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** He does. It’s kinda weird, really? Think they could be related?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Despite calling him ‘Father’, he really doesn’t seem like the type to have kids. Even accidental kids.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Do we really have to call him that in the group chat?

 **Kinda Shady:** We use each others’ codenames in the chat

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah, but I hate his codename. We could just call him ‘Boss’ or some shit. But no. ‘Father’. He’s not a priest, and there isn’t a theme with his name.

 **Kinda Shady:** The theme is your problem?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Considering the rest of us have a theme? Yes it is. He should either stick with our theme, or create his own theme. If someone got the codename ‘Mother’ then it’d make more sense.

 **Netflix And Kill:** As the only girl on the team, I now longer have no issues with out previous codename arrangement.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You had a problem before?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Imagine your boss comes up to you and says ‘hey, we’re going to be using codenames. You’ll be ‘Lust’ and I’ll be ‘Father’ okay?’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I expected that to go in a very different direction.

 **Kinda Shady:** The man seems to have little self-awareness.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Only in his ego

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You okay with keeping that nickname? I’m pretty sure we could at least use our real names in the chat.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Sure, Richard

 **Ask Me Nicely:**  I CHANGED MY MIND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Lot of things to unpack here, ain't it? I think most is self-explanatory, but here's a minor rundown
> 
> -As this is a 'things are normal' AU, the Homunculi are normal humans. 6 out of the 7 Sins are kids/teens(Wrath is probably still an adult)  
> -The only ones who are related are Greed and Lust(Maybe Pride and Wrath too I haven't decided?).   
> -They all have real names, and their 'Sin names' are code names for their 'work'. This also applies to 'Father', who is their boss(though I haven't picked his name)  
> -Speaking of, Greed's username is a joke with his real name. "How do you get 'Dick' from 'Richard'? Ask him nicely!"  
> -Greed's nicknames for Ed and Al are the ones he uses in a different fic I have in my drafts  
> -I absolutely want to fill my closet with 'bowling alley carpet' shirts.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus Chapter 2, this time with Mustang's Team!
> 
> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Bread:** I think I’m getting old

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You are the second youngest on the team don’t talk to me about ‘old’

 **Bread:** I am apparently no longer ‘hip with the kids’ because I don’t think monsters are ‘hot’!

 **Denim:** I have several questions

 **Gun:** Question 1: How does this conversation topic come up?

 **Bread:** Ask Furry

 **Bread:** That was autocorrect but if the shoe fits.

 **Hacker Voice:** I asked if he saw Venom yet ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ah. The teeth.

 **Hacker Voice:** I think Venom’s appeal is more in the tongue, but yeah the teeth.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** It’s always the teeth.

 **Bread:** Not you too. Anyone else want to come forward with things I don’t want to know?

 **Denim:** I can get into the ‘monsters are hot’ thing. A beautiful woman who could also easily murder me? My type.

 **Gun:** The fish man from shape of the water will treat you right!

 **Bread:** That’s it. I’m out.

 **Knife Emoji:** I would still love my wife if she became some sort of monstrous creature.

 **Knife Emoji:** Mostly because she is wonderful already!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You are predictable

 **Knife Emoji:** Speaking of memes and my family, I want to know which one of you taught Elicia to say ‘Yeet’ when she throws something

 **Knife Emoji:** It’s adorable, but all of you have come very close to teaching her to swear.

 **Gun:** THIS BITCH EMPTY

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** YEET

 **Denim:** I think we found our culprits

 **Hacker Voice:** It’s weird to see you guys saying things like ‘Yeet’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Why?

 **Hacker Voice:** I can’t put this in a way that won’t sound bad, but it’s because you’re old?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’m only 30!!!

 **Hacker Voice:** Yeah. You’re a 30 year old with a respectable job and a wife and kids in their teens.

 **Hacker Voice:** You’re supposed to not understand the youth of today?

 **Gun:** Furey, you’re 22. You’re not that far behind us.

 **Hacker Voice:** I know, but I keep thinking of how my parents were all ‘what’s a ‘pokey-man’?

 **Hacker Voice:** Do you know what a pokemon is?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’ve been playing pokemon since it came out!

 **Gun:** We had to ban using ‘I’m just walking the dog’ as an excuse to play Pokemon Go.

 **Gun:** Black Hayate was getting tired with four of us going around.

 **Knife Emoji:** Fun Fact: when you play Pokemon with your wife, you can buy both versions of the game and easily fill your Pokedex.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’ve known you guys for how long and I never knew you played Pokemon?

 **Denim:** Even I knew that everyone here plays Pokemon?

 **Hacker Voice:** …

 **Hacker Voice:** I am grabbing my DS and we’re having a full on Battle Royale

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You’re on! Prepare for ‘death by flaming unicorn’!

 **Denim:** I’ll get the bets and scoreboard set up

 **Knife Emoji:** If you want to set up Multibattles, give me ten minutes to get Gracia on because I only team up with her!

 **Gun:**  If we're bringing in family members, would it be a good idea or a bad idea to add Ed and Al to the competition?

 **Hacker Voice:** On their own or in double battles?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Do not put them on the same team.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I have seen death and it took the form of an Alolan Marowak and a Trevenant

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Expert In Gibberish** )

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Have you learned anything new?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I would have contacted you if I did. Why are you actually messaging me?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** …

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I know you have questions.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** And I know that I have no right to ask.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I still think we should tell them about this

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They’ll find out eventually.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I don’t plan to do anything until it’s safe.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** And if we do manage to pull this off will you try to talk to them? I know it might confuse them, but they deserve answers.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I’m more than willing to talk to them, but I won’t push them to hear me out. I fully expect to be punched in the face.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They'll probably direct some of their anger at me for not telling them, so you might get a few words in first.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Even our most optimistic vision still involves me getting punched.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** From what I hear, you can handle that.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Thank you for this. All of it.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You can thank me once it’s over.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm... Who in the world is this mystery character Mustang's talking to? What are they walking about I wonder? >:3c


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know y'all're still reeling from the last chapter's reveal that Mustang.... is a millennial. Jokes aside, you guessed correctly on 'who' the mystery character is, but the real question is 'how' and 'why'. 
> 
> Back to your regularly scheduled programs!  
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja

Direct Message (@ **Waffle Iron** )

 **More Like A Nonja:** I have refrained from this conversation due to the fact that you are also my friend, but as your relationship has... upgraded, I believe we need to have a talk.

 **Waffle Iron:** This the point where you threaten me with murder if I hurt him?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yes

 **More Like A Nonja:** I know you well enough that I don’t believe you are planning to, but you are… impulsive

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, I can’t even cheat to win at Mario Kart. I don’t think I can do that to a person.

 **More Like A Nonja:** How do you…

 **More Like A Nonja:** How do you fail to cheat at Mario Kart?

 **Waffle Iron:** You try to ‘distract’ your boyfriend, then several minutes later you look up to see both characters have been driving off cliffs for a while.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Ah.

 **Waffle Iron:** In all seriousness though, I know why you’re worried and I promise I’m not going to pull some shit like that.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You know?

 **Waffle Iron:** I already mentioned that past relationships had come up.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I assumed he had only told you that he’d been with others before, not… everything else that happened.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I didn’t expect him to tell you.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think he it was easier because we were friends before we started dating, so it’s not like he was confessing to someone completely new. It was still hard to talk about, but he figured it was better to tell me so that I’d know why he might get upset in the future and I’d be able to reassure him about it.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think that’s kind of why this is working as well as it is. We both have plenty of issues that could turn this into a disaster, but we figured out ways to get each other to talk about it. Which is admittedly difficult for me, but I don’t want to screw this up.

 **More Like A Nonja:** That is oddly sweet and sappy. Almost out of character for someone whose middle name is ‘fight me’.

 **Waffle Iron:** rude

 **Waffle Iron:** I know I can be a jackass sometimes. A lot of the time. And I’ll probably end up saying something dumb and causing a fight at some point. But even at my highest levels of impulsive jackass, I’m not going to do something that’d, you know, fuck him up like that.

 **Waffle Iron:** And if I ever manage to fuck up that badly, you have permission to kick my ass.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Don’t worry, I will.

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Ding Dong Bitch** )

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Hey, so, I didn’t say it before because you’re a friend, but my brother comes first so if you do anything to hurt him I will absolutely murder you :)

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Message received. And don’t worry, I won’t.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Also, how are you the terrifying one in the family?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Because if you get me to the murder point, you know you’ve fucked up.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more chapters with out other Groupchats sometimes. Depending on ideas I have. Which reminds me, how did no one tell me I forgot to update the character list last chapter? Oh well. I'll do it now. 
> 
> That said, I have a question. While I have some plot planned out, I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate that into the chat. I mean, most of the plot wouldn't happen in the chat. So I don't want to start a chapter with 'forced recap of what just happened', if that makes sense?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! Have discussion of creepy things! 
> 
> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice

**Gun:** Fuck this

 **Gun:** I’m changing my name

 **Gun:** I don’t care if ‘Detective Mustang and Detective Mustang’ is confusing to you guys I don’t care anymore

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** What happened?

 **Gun:** Marvel’s bitch ass happened

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ah. Got a ‘Hawkeye joke’ again?

 **Denim:** We picked up a suspect who not only made the joke, but made a joke about the ‘Hawkeye Initiative’

 **Hacker Voice:** That’s, like, the exact opposite of the point of that blog

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I suddenly have a craving for barbecue. Anyone with me?

 **Knife Emoji:** Roy, if you keep joking about setting fire to people, someone’s going to use it to frame you for murder

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I feel like I’m supposed to say ‘it wouldn’t work because what idiot kills someone in a way they constantly joke about’, but as I’ve arrested a handful of them, I know better.

 **Denim:** She already took care of the guy anyway. Nothing like a classic death glare and telling the guy that she does live up to the character’s aiming skill

 **Bread:** Yikes. It’s better to have them hit on you than get all creepy ‘I’d love to murder you’ though, right?

 **Gun:** God no

 **Gun:** Give me the murdery ones. Remember that serial killer a while back? At least when he said ‘I’d love to get my cleaver into you!’ he meant it literally. I would rather deal with him than another idiot making a pun about ‘copping’ a feel.

 **Hacker Voice:** Do people… do people actually hit on you as you arrest them?

 **Gun:** Yes

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Yes

 **Knife Emoji:** yes

 **Denim:** Yes

 **Bread:** Yes

 **Hacker Voice:** Never been so glad to have more of a desk job here.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I don’t even get it. I mean, trying to flirt your way out of speeding ticket? Sure. But when you’re being arrested for murder?

 **Denim:** Even at my most desperate, I’m not going to fall for someone who is currently a murder suspect.

 **Bread:** What happened to ‘a beautiful girl who could murder me is my type’?

 **Denim:** I’m not saying I wouldn’t find her attractive. I’m just saying I’m smart enough not to completely fall for it.

 **Knife Emoji:** I’m always surprised how disappointed they look when I say ‘sorry, I have a wonderful wife already!’

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I think they’re disappointed because you then spend the entire ride back to the precinct talking about how much you love her.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** By the time they get here they’re all ‘I’ll confess as long as you get him to shut up”.

 **Gun:** Interesting interrogation tactic.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual conversations I had in high school. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Pantastic:** You know that feeling when you’re trying to do homework and you’re just like ‘fuck this I’ll be a stripper!’

 **Waffle Iron:** All the time

 **Pantastic:** I know I’m the one who asked this group, but how is the guy who says ‘let’s go out of my way to take every science class possible’ the one who agrees that homework sucks???

 **Waffle Iron:** Because the school system sucks ass? Even if I absolutely love the subject, the homework and tests are exhausting. And the teachers are usually boring af and you can’t understand them

 **Totally Not A Furry:** A few comments on our ‘Mythbusters but we can say ’Fuck’’ videos have said that they learned more about science from us than they ever did in class, so yeah.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ed, if you become a stripper, just know that I will be a large chunk of your audience. I’ll be the only one showering you with twenties instead of singles.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Never took you for the Sugar Daddy type.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** fuckeing

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Can we not?

 **Wrench Wench:** Paninya, I would be your Sugar Momma, but I don’t have the funds.

 **Pantastic:** We’ll both be strippers then.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** New life goal: open a strip club so that all my friends can fulfill their dreams of never having to do homework again.

 **Waffle Iron:** Only problem is I don’t have the leg for it.

 **Pantastic:** Excuse you Winry makes great legs.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not saying it doesn’t look great. I’m just saying that from my knowledge of physics, it’ll make pole dancing a bit difficult.

 **Wrench Wench:** Not all strippers pole dance.

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, if I have to be a stripper, I might as well have fun with it and figure out the physics involved in staying up there and how to work around the leg.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** TBH, as fun as strippers and Glucose Guardians sounds, my usual line of thought tends to be ‘screw it, I can always go full Walter White and make meth’. ¯\\_( ツ)_/¯

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m not sure how to respond to that. I mean, why?????

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I do have the chemistry skills. And a decent amount of knowledge of how to avoid cops.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I am frightened.

 **Waffle Iron:** Actually, it wouldn’t be that difficult. The teachers at school already trust us enough to let us into the storerooms unsupervised. Snag some supplies from there and we’re good.

 **Wrench Wench:** Okay, can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m banning you two from making meth.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m mostly joking. It’s like, now that I’m thinking about it we totally could, but obviously there’s plenty of reasons not to.

 **Waffle Iron:** Desperate for money Plan A is stripper. Meth is more like Plan F.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I still have no idea how to respond

 **More Like A Nonja:** I think I’m mostly concerned with the lax security of the school’s science storerooms.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** There have been multiple occasions of showing up after class and the teacher just handing us the keys without even looking up from grading tests.

 **Waffle Iron:** Chemistry class, where questions like ‘where do we keep the chloroform?’ are not suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things:
> 
> First, if you're wondering about characters who haven't appeared, or haven't been mentioned, send an ask on my Tumblr about it. 
> 
> Secondly, would y'all want sort of 'side stories', of stuff that happens in this universe outside of the groupchat? Like, put together a 'series' on this AU?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring very blatant self promotion through the joke link!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> ??? - Expert In Gibberish
> 
> (Look at me keeping the question marks there like y'all don't already know it's Hohenheim.)
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

Direct Message (@ **Expert In Gibberish** )

  


**Dumb Fucking Horse:** Here

**Dumb Fucking Horse:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jN99G9xPQh4>**

**Expert In Gibberish:** What is this?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** A loophole.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You won’t ask questions about the boys, and you won’t let me tell you things about them. While I understand why, I also disagree. So I found a loophole.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They started making videos on YouTube a while back. It’s mostly science experiments that somehow manage to always blow up by the end.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** But something like this, well, it’s on a public website. Something they, metaphorically, toss into the void for anyone to have access to. They won’t care too much if you see those. So stop being stubborn about it.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** You have a talent for loopholes, don’t you?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’ve been told that before.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I didn’t expect you to be insistent on this. I would’ve expected you to be worried that I’d be trying to take them back from you. At the very least it’s surprising you haven’t yelled at me for everything.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I was actually going to do that before I realized there was more to the story. As for being worried about ‘taking them back’, some of me is worried about that. The rest of me knows that even if they miraculously accepted you back into their lives as if nothing happened, they wouldn’t just leave me behind.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** So give in and watch the damn video.

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Dumb Fucking Horse** )

  


**Expert In Gibberish:** I will give in and ask one question, but feel free to not answer it.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Go ahead.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** The boys mention you in the videos sometimes. But they mention you by name. I assumed they would’ve jumped at the chance to call someone else ‘dad’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They call me dad sometimes. Usually it’s when things get a bit… emotional, but they’ve had a few more normal slip ups in everyday situations.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They try not to though. It’s less about wanting to call someone else ‘dad’, and more about wanting to call someone else ‘mom’.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Oh.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** They love Riza, but they’re not ready to call her ‘mom’. And they don’t think it’s fair to call me ‘dad’ if they can’t bring themselves to call her ‘mom’. She’d be fine with it, of course, but apparently stubbornness runs in the family.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** They get it from their mother.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Yeah. That’s where I was going.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Anyone who puts up with me for an extended period of time has to be stubborn.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I mentioned it last time, but in this AU Greed looks somewhere between his Original look and the 'Greedling' look, and looks more like one or the other depending on how long his hair is at the time. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Pride: Kinda Shady  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Kinda Shady:** Okay, what’s up with you two?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I have no idea what you mean

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah, everything’s normal

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You’ve been giggly all day

 **Kinda Shady:** And you knew which ‘two’ I was talking to, so you must know you’ve been acting strange.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** If it was one of you it’d be suspicious enough but whenever you two work together I end up with a headache for a week.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Excuse you I am a delight! I have never done anything wrong in my life!

 **Netflix And Kill:** That’s a complete lie but I love you anyway.

 **Kinda Shady:** Really, what’s going on?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Nothing. Just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I’m ‘up to something’.

 **Kinda Shady:** I just heard Envy scream from the other room, so I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** GREED YOU FUCKER GET BACK HERE NOW

 **Netflix And Kill:** Whoops. Looks like we’ve been found out.

 **Kinda Shady:** Huh?

 **Kinda Shady:** What are you talking about? Greed’s in the kitchen with Gluttony?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That’s Lust!

 **Kinda Shady:** ????????????

 **Netflix And Kill:** Hm. We thought Pride would’ve figured it out before you. Greed still owes me $5 since he thought you wouldn’t at all. How’d you guess?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I saw ‘you’ texting the chat but Greed’s account is the one who sent the message.

 **Kinda Shady:** What the literal fuck?

 **Netflix And Kill:** We’re twins. We switch places. We haven’t in years since Greed cut his hair, but it’s gotten long enough that there isn’t a noticeable the difference.

 **Kinda Shady:** You two have several very noticeable differences????

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** While I hesitate to defend them, you’ve seen what I can do with makeup. A little contour and you can look more masculine or feminine.

 **Kinda Shady:** Yeah, but how did they

 **Kinda Shady:** Nevermind. Greed just sprinted past and chucked a few pairs of balled up socks at me.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Lust, while I’d love to pay up for our bet, I won on who figured it out first because I haven’t seen Gluttony all day.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That explains that at least. How’d he figure it out?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Smell.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Next time we try this we should switch shower gel/shampoo and conditioner too.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Huh. Didn’t think of that.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Better idea: we find a scent we both like so we don’t have to do as much prep work.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You like making us paranoid, don’t you?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yep!

 **Kinda Shady:** I wonder how Father would react if he found out about you two doing this?

 **Netflix And Kill:** We haven’t tried it on him yet. Not really going to.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Sure you don’t want to test it out so that I never have to talk to him again?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Hell no.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Seriously, I’ll take on a chunk of your work.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I don’t want to deal with him more than I have to. And who knows how he’d react if he found out about what we were doing.

 **Kinda Shady:** If you hate him so much why not leave?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Are you kidding?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Working for him is better than the alternative. At least we get some measure of safety and a place to stay with him.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Not to mention what he’d do if we straight up left. You saw how he was when I made some friends outside of his control. Don’t want to go through that again.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Besides, we’d probably miss you guys.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Sorta.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Trust me, he would.

 **Kinda Shady:** It’d be pretty quiet around here without you two

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** No it wouldn’t. Gluttony would be sobbing the whole time and even Sloth wouldn’t be able to sleep through that.

 **Kinda Shady:** Look, I was attempting to be nice

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Fine. Jokes aside I don’t hate you guys. I mean, I do. But I also enjoy your company when you’re not being annoying as hell?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Just like real siblings!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck this is chapter 20??? Never expected that. And I have a good number planned out too(only two are fully written though). Not to mention that I did suggest a few side stories to this AU. 
> 
> I like how this was supposed to be my 'I'll work on this to take a break from writing my serious AUs' fic yet this has more work done on it than either of my main AUs.
> 
> Also, should I go back and add chapter titles? Because sometimes I go to look for a certain scene and I end up clicking through five chapters before I find it but titles would make that so much easier.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for something completely unexpected!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Waffle Iron:** Big accomplishments being made toady!

 **Wrench Wench:** Finally manage to get to 5 feet tall?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He said ‘big’ accomplishment.

 **Waffle Iron:** Listen, usually I’d be all ‘fuck you’ but this was a legitimate thing and not even short jokes can ruin this for me

 **More Like A Nonja:** Also, you’re taller than Winry now so she can’t say anything.

 **Wrench Wench:** No he’s not???

 **Pantastic:** Ed being tall? That’s ridiculous.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** We’re teenagers, so we’re all getting taller.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s still the same height as me though?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I always thought you were taller since you didn’t get all the short jokes.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s a negligible height difference, but since I’m younger and supposed to be shorter, it makes me look average and him look short. And I don’t get upset over the jokes so it’s not as fun to make fun of.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Also while he said ‘short jokes can’t ruin this’, Ed did just waltz in here and rummage around for measuring tape.

 **Wrench Wench:** Hypothetically, if you hit a growth spurt ‘early’ while Ed hit his ‘late’, they would happen at the same time and you wouldn’t notice.

 **Pantastic:** That sort of shit is why I thought you two were twins until Ed’s birthday.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Genetics work in mysterious ways.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think I might’ve just given Riza an existential crisis?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How????

 **Waffle Iron:** she asked what I was looking for and why. After I explained she just kinda looked down at me before realizing she was still wearing her work shoes and I’m barefoot.

 **Waffle Iron:** Once she took her shoes off we realized we’re pretty much the same height?

 **Pantastic:** I call bullshit!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Uh, I just went down to check on her and yeah I’m about the same height too????

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That didn’t help the existential crisis. She’s just standing in the kitchen and staring off into the distance.

 **Wrench Wench:** Now I’m scared because I’m pretty sure Riza is taller than me????

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Maybe Ed actually is taller than you…

 **Wrench Wench:** [technicaldifficulties.png](https://steamuserimages-a.akamaihd.net/ugc/612789213520617442/7E9774CBEE56DF62EB90DD2EB027FBAC33C3F28A/?interpolation=lanczos-none&output-format=jpeg&output-quality=95&fit=inside%7C1024%3A*)

 **Pantastic:** Well, you did it. You managed to kill my girlfriend.

 **Waffle Iron:** Resteroni in pepperoni!

 **Waffle Iron:** And just imagine! I could hypothetically get even taller!

 **More Like A Nonja:** How tall were your bio parents?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m pretty sure mom was close to Riza’s height. The Cryptid was good bit taller than her, but I’m not sure how much taller.

 **Waffle Iron:** Only good thing about being related to him so far!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Hey, Ed, before we derail any further, wanna talk about the actual big accomplishment for the day?

 **Waffle Iron:** Right!

 **Waffle Iron:** The actual big accomplishment was that I managed to actually sit in the front seat of Ling’s car and turn it on without a panic attack!

 **Waffle Iron:** We never took it out of park and I was still freaking out, but I didn’t completely breakdown!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Nice. I forgot you were doing that.

 **Pantastic:** Congrats!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Sounds like you’re making good progress.

 **Wrench Wench:** I put my own ‘re-evaluate my perspective on reality’ crisis on hold so I could say I’m proud of you.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks. The whole thing still freaks me out, but I’m getting there.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Don’t think I’m ready to try the same, but if/when I do, at least you can help.

 **Waffle Iron:** Definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely live for Ed managing to get taller and no one knowing how to handle it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice  
> Hohenheim - Expert In Gibberish
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Gun:** I am having an existential crisis and Roy is experiencing fear

 **Bread:** Why?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Kids. Tall. How?

 **Denim:** Usually you’re calling Ed short.

 **Gun:** They’re my height.

 **Gun:** MY HEIGHT

 **Gun:** WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

 **Knife Emoji:** I know saying ‘they grow up so fast’ is a cliche, but it’s true.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Yes, we all remember you sobbing over Elicia being old enough for preschool

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Wait until she gets some height.

 **Knife Emoji:** Hello darkness my old friend

 **Hacker Voice:** Why are you experiencing fear?

 **Gun:** Because he realized that if Ed reaches a decent height then we lose all ability to make short jokes.

 **Knife Emoji:** I knew poking fun at Ed’s height would backfire on you eventually.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How is it ‘backfiring’?

 **Knife Emoji** : Because while you’re taller than a teen, you’re kinda short.

 **Denim:** Wrecked.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Excuse you! I’m not short! I’m the third tallest in this chat!

 **Bread:** Look, I’m pretty short. Furey’s tiny. You being taller than us isn’t a challenge.

 **Hacker Voice:** I regularly get mistaken for a high school student.

 **Gun:** They have a point. Most men I know are taller than you.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Okay, I’m not the tallest. But I wouldn’t call it ‘backfiring’.

 **Knife Emoji:** Until you realize that there’s a chance Ed might get taller than you.

 **Denim:** The kid would be obnoxious about it if that happens

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You don’t honestly think he could get that much taller, do you?

 **Hacker Voice:** Well, you do know that height is… relative.

 **Bread:** Yeah, it’s one of those things you can usually predict.

 **Denim:** Genetics are weird man.

 **Knife Emoji:** Not a guarantee, but a decent possibility.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** If you guys are hinting at what I think you’re hinting at

 **Gun:** They were being rather… Cryptic

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Fuck

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Expert In Gibberish** )

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Quick question: how old were you when you reached your full adult height?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** How is this relevant to anything?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** We noticed that the boys are getting a bit taller, and were discussing how tall they could potentially end up.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Ah.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Admittedly, I didn’t pay much attention to my height back then. I believe I didn’t grow much until my later teens.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** That fits with what they’re doing so far.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Does Ed still get upset when people call him short?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Yes, actually. It’s more of a running joke at this point, friendly family teasing and all. Who knows how much longer it’ll last though.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Worried he’ll get taller than you and, quite literally, hang it over your head?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I wasn’t until it was pointed out that you’re taller than me.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I don’t think I can handle Ed if he ends up tall.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Then perish.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** DID YOU JUST

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How do you know that joke?!

 **Expert In Gibberish:** The internet is an interesting place. It’s kind of fun to see younger people’s expressions when they realize I know what they’re saying.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Or to see them die a little inside when I purposely use it incorrectly.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** See, now all I can feel is Terror™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought that Hohenheim would not be the perfect combination of curious and dork to understand meme culture you're wrong. Seriously though. Look up height comparisons. Mustang's kinda short compared to most of the male cast, even excluding the ridiculously tall characters. 
> 
> I keep trying to write the chapters where the plot goes down, but then the conversation gets interesting and turns into another fun chapter, so nothing's going down until at least chapter 25. That said, some plot did get slightly implied here...


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised that no one commented about what the rest of the Team was... hinting at last chapter >:3c
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Have you ever had your entire life flash before your eyes?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yes

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I am sorry I completely forgot that was a thing

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Actually I was referring to the time Ed almost said a swear in front of Elicia.

 **Waffle Iron:** I love Maes but he is fucking terrifying sometimes.

 **Wrench Wench:** I know too many people in the ‘ball of sunshine but will murder you if needed’ category

 **More Like A Nonja** : I know that you’re talking about one of Roy and Riza’s friends, but which one is that?

 **Waffle Iron:** The one that looks like Markiplier and always has 50 pictures of his family on hand

 **More Like A Nonja:** Ah. Right. How could I forget?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** So how’d Ling almost die?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** My mom.

 **Pantastic:** Sometimes I forget you have a mom. Never see her around when we’re there.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** There’s a reason for that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** The reason is me.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** That’s also why I came so close to being murdered.

 **Waffle Iron:** Almost mentioned Mei to her but stopped just in time?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Pretty much.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You should probably just tell her. You know she’ll find out about your friendship eventually.

 **Wrench Wench:** Better to get it over with now.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah. That’ll go over well. ‘hey mom! Remember how dad had an affair and now I have a half-sister? Turns out she’s kind of cool?!’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** In all fairness, I haven’t told my mom that I even acknowledge your existence ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Wait, how does she not know? You’ve been to Ling’s house for group sleepovers?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I tell her I’m going to a group sleepover at a friend’s place but I don’t mention which friend. She doesn’t ask. Technically it’s not lying.

 **More Like A Nonja:** What are you going to do if there’s an emergency and she needs to pick you up, but doesn’t know where you are?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** If there’s an emergency of that level, then I guess I’d tell her. Or she’d go to your guy’s houses and your families would tell her where I was.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m not telling my mom about this unless someone gets stabbed.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And even then, I might just fling myself into the Sun instead. 

 **Waffle Iron:** Having met both of your moms, let’s just say I’m terrified of what will happen when they find out.

 **Pantastic:** It can’t be that bad

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Considering the first time we tried to get Mei and Ling to hang out together started a legit fight, I’m expecting worse from the women who were actually directly involved in their family drama.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Only reason we didn’t keep fighting is that somehow Ed was the voice of reason, pointing out that the only person who we should hate is our ‘manipulative bitch of a dad’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Think about that. Ed was the ‘voice of reason’.

 **Pantastic:** Fair

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude

 **Wrench Wench:** You are the expert at dad issues

 **More Like A Nonja:** *Daddy Issues

 **Waffle Iron:** FUCKENING

 **Waffle Iron:** NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how close to breaking the fourth wall I can get with the pop culture references. 
> 
> Also, I like how I mentioned writing a couple side stories, but my fucking goblin brain is like 'Hey, know how you have two and a half serious canon-divergent AUs planned already? Let's add a Chimera one!' and it's killing me, my dudes.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has absolutely nothing to do with the thing I mentioned in the author's notes of last chapter. Yep. Nothing At All. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> -  
> Pride: Kinda Shady  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Pantastic:** Ling, control your dumbass boyfriend!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What’d he do?

 **Waffle Iron:** What’d I do?

 **Pantastic:** Your newest youtube video.

 **Pantastic:** <https://youtu.be/hHMVJyMWXrk>

**Pantastic:** A boy and his dog test dog treats.

 **Wrench Wench:** Why????

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why didn’t Al stop you?

 **Pantastic:** Because he’s also a dumbass and is part of the video

 **Totally Not A Furry:** In all fairness, science.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You two are disasters.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ed, I love you, but what the fuck?

 **Waffle Iron:** Science?

 **Pantastic:** Oh my fuck how are you two not dead yet?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Technically…

 **Wrench Wench:** I think she meant ‘how have you not died from doing something dumb like this?’

 **Pantastic:** Actually I meant ‘I’m still watching the video and Riza just came in and asked what the hell they’re doing’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Please tell me she put a stop to this?

 **Pantastic:** Ed, did you really try to blame this whole thing on Al?

 **Waffle Iron:** Keep watching. It is his fault.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No it’s not. It was your idea.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re the one who set the box of dog treats next to the box of cheezits I was eating out of.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You’re the one who somehow didn’t notice you were eating dog treats instead of cheezits!

 **Waffle Iron:** You know damn well that very few things can snap me out of The Zone.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And you’re the one who decided ‘hey, let’s eat some more for science!’

 **Waffle Iron:** You encouraged this

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I was curious about the answer and you were willing to try it out

 **Wrench Wench:** The hell were you trying to answer?

 **Waffle Iron:** If dog treats had various different tastes and also personal opinions on said taste compared to a dog’s opinions?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** guys…

 **Pantastic:** Finished the video. They somehow managed to convince Riza to let them do it. Mostly because the only treats left to test were the ‘home made and definitely safe for humans’ treats.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** For the record, we did do some research. Even the storebought treats were ones that had been tested. Actually, did you know that you can get a job test tasting dog treats? It’s apparently a decent paying job.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So on that note, how’d they taste?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not the worst thing I’ve tasted. The homemade ones were better but also kinda bland.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You could probably adjust the recipe and make actual cookies.

 **Waffle Iron:** At that point I might as well just find an actual cookie recipe.

* * *

 

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I think Greed might’ve dodged a bullet with ‘Goldilocks and Sleeping Beauty’

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Why?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Youtube just suggested his newest video which is Goldilocks eating dog treats ‘for science’.

 **Kinda Shady:** What a catch

 **Kinda Shady:** For the pound at least

 **Netflix And Kill:** I can hear the sound of Greed taking a bunch of screenshots of it

 **Netflix And Kill:** I mean that literally. Every few seconds I hear his phone’s snapshot noise.

 **Kinda Shady:** What was that you said about ‘not pining over them’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I was taking pictures of the goodest boy!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** [thegoodestboy.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/2a734a65287a63766aa461299a0dff30/tumblr_pi1ij9IBwe1slzfcio1_500.png)

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m not sure what I expected

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You…

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You watched that video, with two guys you think are pretty, one of whom is eating dog treats, and all you could think is ‘look at the puppy!’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He’s a good dog Envy!

* * *

 **Waffle Iron:** Want to hear something strange?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Stranger than dog treats?

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’ve learned that if it’s Ed and ‘strange’, then it will be very odd.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Fair

 **Waffle Iron:** Remember a while back when I almost fought some kid for insulting my fashion?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** The one in the skort?

 **Wrench Wench:** the mullet of skirts

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What about them?

 **Waffle Iron:** I think they found my youtube channel?

 **Waffle Iron:** There’s a comment that calls me a ‘fashion disaster from fantasy hot topic’

 **Wrench Wench:** Sure they weren’t talking about the outfit in the video?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Believe it or not, he dresses normal in the videos. Mostly. There are labcoats, but that’s part practical and part aesthetic.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Figured you would’ve gone for a bit more presentation

 **Pantastic:** [presentation.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/333da17a540320f6f1e1b1089d5d34ec/tenor.gif?itemid=4559759)

 **Waffle Iron:** While the dog treat experiment was pretty low-key, some of the experiments can get messy/a bit of a fire hazard. Don’t want to ruin stuff I can’t easily replace.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** That aside, it’s kind of serendipitous that they found your channel.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Want to hear something even more serendipitous?

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh god what now?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think Vest Guy also found the channel?

 **Waffle Iron:** Really?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Vest Guy?

 **Wrench Wench:** Dude who flirted with you and made you realize you were Very Much Not Straight™?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yep. It’s the comment that says ‘Hey, Sleeping Beauty, tell your dog that he’s the goodest of boys!’

 **Pantastic:** How do you know that’s him?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** When I met him and his friends, it was because I’d been kinda tired and stopped to rest a minute. He started up the flirting by saying ‘Hey there, Sleeping Beauty, need some help from True Love’s Kiss?’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That’s… cheesy

 **More Like A Nonja:** I think that line only works if you have enough confidence and charisma.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Charisma was only at half, but the confidence made up for it as there was self-awareness of how dorky it was.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Big fucking mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that Black Hayate's wiki page does list him as 'the goodest boy'(It's canon.)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready kids???!!! 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Pride: Kinda Shady  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Netflix And Kill:** It’s been a fucking day

 **Kinda Shady:** You okay?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah. No. Kinda. It’s just been a day.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What happened?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Ran into an old friend.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** An ‘old’ friend, an old _friend_ , an old ‘friend’, or an actual old friend?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I hate that I can tell the difference in tone there

 **Netflix And Kill:** Someone we used to work with before we met Father.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh.

 **Netflix And Kill:** It wasn’t a bad encounter. Just reminded me of back then.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You gonna be okay?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah. On the bright side, she told me about a new bar she found. Apparently it’s holiday themed or something? I don’t know, but I need a drink. Anyone with me?

 **Kinda Shady:** You do realize that even if I had a fake id, no one would believe it, right?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Drinking isn’t really my thing

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You gonna be okay if I don’t go?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah. I’m just too tired to do anything else, and too awake to go to bed early.

 

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Ask Me Nicely** )

 **Kinda Shady:** So, Lust just got back. But she sprinted into the bathroom and isn’t answering.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Usually I’d say she’s drunk, but she never gets to throwing up level of drunk. Especially at a bar instead of here.

 **Kinda Shady:** She didn’t seem to be stumbling or anything either. She won’t answer me through the door or through texts.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’ll be down in a minute

* * *

 

 

Direct Message (@ **Netflix And Kill** )

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Okay, you’re not answering. If you don’t reply back I’m assuming you’re hurt and breaking down the door.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m fine

 **Ask Me Nicely:** No, you’re not. What happened?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Bartender called me out on the id. Told me to leave. Figured i’d try somewhere else,, and got one of those mini bottles from a shop and hat a bit before I headed home. Ran into a guy on the way back. I thought he was just a cop trying toaresst me for the drink but he knew my name

 **Netflix And Kill:** He knew my real name? Like, my actual name? How? He asked me questions about things. About Father mostly. I didn’t say anything. I just didn’t know why or how?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Probably looking into him. What’d you do?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Avoided questions. Tried to leave. Then the other guy showed up.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I thought it was Father, but something was off. Everything was off.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Huh? What do you mean off?

 **Netflix And Kill:** He looked just like him. But it wasn’t. It was the same face. But he was different. His expressions were concerned. His voice was kinder when he talked to me. Uncanny Valley effect freaked me out.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What’d he ask?

 **Netflix And Kill:** More of the same, I think. I don’t know. I was panicking. Had to run.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** How’d you get away?

 **Netflix And Kill:** knife. On the first guy. I didn’t

 **Netflix And Kill:** I didn’t hurt him too much. He’ll be fine. I just wanted to get away.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Where the fuck did you get a knife?

 **Netflix And Kill:** You think I could be doing this for so long without carrying a weapon on me?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m just still freaking out. Still a little drunk too. But how’d he know what to ask? Why’d the guy look…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’ll be okay

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah. I think. I dont’ know.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’ll be fine. Want to come out now?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Doors unlocked. Not sure I’m ready to get up yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all asked for plot. Here it comes. (Honey, you've got a big storm coming!)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of very specific headcanons about Ed's hatred of milk. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Pantastic:** I have the most magical girlfriend

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m scared to ask why, but I can’t not ask

 **Pantastic:** Did you know that you can actually win the prizes from a claw machine?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** It’s difficult, but possible

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I got a panda out of one a while back

 **Pantastic:** Okay, but look at this:

 **Pantastic:** [thespoilsofwar.png](https://thumbs.gfycat.com/AlarmedTintedIndusriverdolphin-size_restricted.gif)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Winry win all of those from a game?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Now that seems impossible

 **Wrench Wench:** I have a way with machines.

 **Pantastic:** I just kept handing her quarters and she kept winning them

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And now you’re broke, aren’t you?

 **Pantastic:** It was worth it because now I have a legit nest of plushies!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** If I give you the quarters will you get me a plushie nest?

 **Wrench Wench:** Sorry, the price for a plushie nest is one girlfriend.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Damn. All I can offer is one boyfriend.

 **Waffle Iron:** Did you just suggest whoring me out to her for claw machine prizes?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You can just buy the stuffed animals yourself you know?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** But it’s so much cooler to say ‘look at all these claw machine prizes!’ than it is ‘I spent all this on stuffed animals’!

 **Waffle Iron:** You have a point…

 **Wrench Wench:** Are you actually thinking about letting him use you to pay me for claw machine prizes?

 **Pantastic:** Yeah, what could go wrong there?

 **More Like A Nonja:** very complicated relationship drama

 **Waffle Iron:** I choose to change the subject. Anyone have a suggestion?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, I just heard you head downstairs. Can you get me a drink on the way up?

 **Waffle Iron:** You can get your own drink!

 **Totally Not A Furry:**  But you’re already there.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fine. What do you want?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What do we have?

 **Waffle Iron:** FUCKiNg

 **Waffle Iron:** You know what we have!

 **Wrench Wench:** Al, stop messing with him

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Actually I know we need to go grocery shopping so idk what we have left

 **Waffle Iron:** Fair. I wanted cereal but we only have regular milk

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What is it with you and milk?

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s gross

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You ate literal dog treats and called them ‘okay but kinda bland’ but milk is ‘gross’?

 **More Like A Nonja:** And I think it’s safe to bet you’ve had worse tastes in your mouth

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thank you for that mental image

 **Pantastic:** Wait, if you don’t like milk then what do you put on cereal?

 **Pantastic:** Please tell me you’re not one of those people who puts orange juice or something on their cereal?

 **Waffle Iron:** You do realize there’s stuff like almond milk, right?

 **Wrench Wench:** Honestly I never understood that.

 **More Like A Nonja:** How to milk an almond?

 **Wrench Wench:** I know how to make almond milk. I just don’t understand his milk issues.

 **Pantastic:** So how do you milk an almond?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You actually asking for a recipe, or being sarcastic?

 **Pantastic:** sarcastic

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Uh, Ed? You okay?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Did something happen?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I heard a crash from downstairs, Ed yelling “What The Fuck!?” and Black Hayate is barking a lot.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s not answering here so I’m gonna go make sure he’s okay and not, you know, face down in a bowl of pudding or something.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ah, the Happy Tapioca

 **More Like A Nonja:** I know all of you are looking that up and I have one thing to say:

 **More Like A Nonja:** [youdontwanttoknow.gif](https://i.imgur.com/cOjDpRY.gif)

 **Wrench Wench:** If you’re not back in five minutes we’ll call a search party.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You know, speaking of tapioca, Ed’s milk hatred might be more of a texture problem.

 **Pantastic:** Texture problem?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** the texture of a food can be just as big a problem as the taste itself. I know people who like onion flavor and will even eat onion rings, but can’t stand onions in their food. Or someone that likes chocolate and will eat a bucket of peanuts, yet hand them a chocolate bar with peanuts in it and they gag.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Huh. That’s weird.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Imagine the feeling of biting into an apple, but the taste you get is ‘rotisserie chicken’

 **Pantastic:** That is a disgusting metaphor

 **Wrench Wench:** But it does get the point across. And when you put it that way, that might explain Ed’s milk problem? Because he likes other dairy or milk substitutes that taste ‘almost but not quite like milk’, but he hates straight up milk.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh, I see Ed’s back and reading. Guess you didn’t die.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m alive but we have an emergency situation. Actual emergency, not sure how safe ‘here’ is right now. Ling, your place is biggest so we’re heading there.

 **Wrench Wench:** The hell do you mean ‘emergency situation’?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** If something happened you should call Roy and Riza instead of just texting us?

 **Waffle Iron:** Roy’s already here. Al’s calling Riza. And I… Fuck. I’m gonna need the rest of you to head to Ling’s place. I don’t want to drag you into this, but I don’t think Al and I should be alone right now.

 **Pantastic:** If Roy’s there then what’s the problem?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What happened?

 **Waffle Iron:** I have no idea!

 **Waffle Iron:** Apparently Roy got minorly stabbed. But that’s fine, he’s not in danger, he’s in the kitchen getting stitched up. Except for the fact that the person stitching him up is the FUCKING CRYPTID

 **Wrench Wench:** As in ‘The Cryptid’ cryptid, or did you meet bigfoot recently?

 **Waffle Iron:** THE FUCKING CRYPTID! Bio Dad! Tall, Gold, and previously non-existent! I don’t know how the fuck else to put it! I’m not even fully processing this!

 **More Like A Nonja:** Why him? Was he just a friendly passerby who happened to help a stabbing victim? Does he… know who you are?

 **Waffle Iron:** Apparently??

 **Waffle Iron:** He knew my name and Al’s and also which one of us was which. He and Roy seem to be decently familiar with each other but no one’s explained anything yet??? Other than, you know, ‘possible danger and we need a safer spot right now’

 **Wrench Wench:** I’ll head over to Ling’s place now. I’m dragging Granny with me. Partly to have an actual doctor look at Roy’s injury, partly because I’m sure she’ll want to yell at The Cryptid.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah. Speaking of parents, uh, I think this qualifies as a ‘call my mom situation’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Unfortunately, I was about to say the same thing. Like hell am I not heading over there, but it’s late so if I want to convince my mom to let me go, I’ll have to tell her why, and she’ll end up coming with me.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You did say you’d tell your moms about the friendship ‘if someone got stabbed’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I also said I might just fling myself into the Sun instead

 **Waffle Iron:** Ling, I love you, but we are dealing with a different situation here! I think your mom can put away her family drama for my family drama due to someone already being stabbed!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Right, yeah. Sorry. How you doing?

 **Waffle Iron:** Right now it’s mostly shock and confusion. That’s wearing off though and I’m ready to go yell at a few idiots for answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've heard of a Horse in a Hospital? Well this is a Cryptid in the Kitchen! 
> 
> In all seriousness, this actually isn't the worst cast of mood whiplash I've written.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say things are calming down but...
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Wrench Wench:** Are you two okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m… not sure.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think ‘okay as we can be’ is the best way to put it. I don’t know how to deal with this. Or even process it properly.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t even know how to refer to him. Given everything, even I have a tough time trying to refer to him as ‘dad’, and calling him by name feels weird.

 **Wrench Wench:** For now you can at least still call him ‘The Cryptid’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay, but if I go up to him and say ‘Yo, what is up my Fiskerton Phantom?’ I’m blaming you.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I am very tempted to do that. Although you should probably discuss how to address him to his face.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think I should feel angrier at all of this.

 **Pantastic:** I wasn’t gonna say it, but you have been quieter than expected. Haven’t even punched anyone yet.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think he’s been too overwhelmed with everything else to punch anyone.

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s part of it. It’s just… I know I’m the one who always said it didn’t matter why he left because it doesn’t take away the fact that he did, that we were alone through everything because of it.

 **Waffle Iron** : And that still stands. I’m still rightfully angry about the whole situation. But I think that the excuse of ‘I have an evil twin who would murder you without hesitation just to spite me’ is probably one of the few situations where I can’t… I can’t bring myself to be angry about that.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** This is a highly specific situation and I don’t think any general advice will help.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t even know how to give specific advice, because it all boils down to ‘you’re allowed to feel this way, and it’s your choice how to handle it’.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think the thing that confuses me most is that he’s nothing like I expected?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** From what you’ve talked about, I don’t think you expected anything.

 **Waffle Iron:** I know I didn’t. I never thought he’d come back, or that he’d, you know, care. At all. But even in the few times I imagined him coming back with a good excuse it was… different.

 **Waffle Iron:** I imagined he’d be all ‘I had a good reason for this so you shouldn’t be upset about it because what else could I have done?’. Instead he’s… apologizing. Telling me I’m right for being upset.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Did you actually talk to him?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. He’ll end up talking to you too, eventually. He just caught me semi-alone first.

 **Waffle Iron:** It was surreal. And part of me wanted to tell him to fuck off. Just get up and leave and not even give him the chance.

 **Pantastic:** Why didn’t you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Everyone trusts him.

 **Waffle Iron:** Roy and Riza and the rest of the Team all knew. And while I’m upset about it, I get why they didn’t tell us when they ran into him. But I know them. They wouldn’t just blindly trust him. I don’t know what he did or said, but there had to be something.

 **More Like A Nonja** : Are you going to trust him too?

 **Waffle Iron:** I…

 **Waffle Iron:** I think I might be able to at least give him the chance? I never thought I’d say that. Then again, if you had asked me to predict anything in my life, I never would’ve expected it.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** This probably sounds really generic, especially since it's being repeated over and over, but we’re here for you?

 **Wrench Wench:** Same. Although my only advice is that once Granny gets a chance to yell at The Cryptid, just- just clear the blast radius.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Noted.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** We’re here for both of you.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thanks

 **Waffle Iron:** Uh. Speaking of ‘being here for us’

 **Waffle Iron:** The Cryptid already knows about, well, me and Ling.

 **Pantastic:** How?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t think Roy would’ve said it, so did you tell him?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Or was it just that you’re not subtle?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sorry in advance?

 **Waffle Iron:** He actually asked about it because, well, I’d noticed it too. But you keep reaching over to comfort me but stop short of physical contact. Guess that counts as 'not subtle'

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I didn’t know if you were okay with him knowing. I mean, I know you ‘don’t care about his approval’, but it’s still personal and you don’t know how he’d react yet.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, that’s what we figured. It’s why he brought it up, actually. Now that he knows, you can be as comforting as you want without fearing that he’d find out.

 **Wrench Wench:** He was okay with it? Like, actually okay with it or ‘I don’t like it but you need the comfort’ okay with it or ‘trying to win back trust’ okay with it?

 **Pantastic:** Way to make a guy paranoid, Win.

 **Wrench Wench:** I’m just asking. Ed’s usually more paranoid so I didn’t expect him to be casual about that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well if he wasn’t paranoid he is now.

 **Waffle Iron:** Trust me, it’s an actual ‘okay with it’  
**Princess Powerhouse:** Not to bring the paranoia train back, but are you sure?

 **Waffle Iron:**  Admittedly, I was somewhat paranoid at first and asked directly if he was okay with me dating a guy just to see how he reacted. He said that it would be hypocritical for him to not be okay with it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well then.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s an unexpected revelation.

 **Wrench Wench:** So the ability to surprise us with that Fun Fact™ is genetic apparently.

 **Pantastic:** Of course it is.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So what do we do now?

 **Waffle Iron:** idk about you, but I’m feeling oddly helpful

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Please tell me that ‘helpful’ means ‘I’m gonna be nice and work on moving forward with all this weirdness’ and not ‘I’m gonna go punch my evil uncle in the face’

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** He currently has a look that says the latter and I am seriously considering tying him down so he doesn’t do that.

 **Wrench Wench:** What is it with you and ‘let’s tie him up to make sure he doesn’t do something dumb’?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** 1.) it’s the only way to keep him under control and even then it doesn’t work 2.) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Waffle Iron:** Even I know that going up against an evil asshole unarmed is a bad idea.

 **Waffle Iron:** However, who knows how else we could help? I mean, at the very least we’re people to bounce ideas off of. Maybe come up with something new? A different perspective.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Do you think they’ll even let you anywhere near this case?

 **Pantasitc:** Somehow I’m being the responsible one and saying ‘don’t get your ass murdered’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You have a feeling about something, don’t you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not sure. Maybe it’s paranoia. But I think something might be connected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ed is having a crisis and is somewhat short circuiting right now. Which is honestly a big fucking mood.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow I haven't made these two talk yet. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse

Direct Message (@ **Dumb Fucking Horse** )  


**Waffle Iron:** Why do you trust him?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** It’s three in the morning. You’re supposed to be asleep.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, because I’m good at sleeping without all of this. Not to mention that you’re supposed to be sleeping too.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I was until I heard my phone ding.

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s difficult to wake you up on a normal day and I know that drowsiness is a side effect of whatever pain meds you’re taking right now. You wouldn’t have woken up from one ding.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Then why would you message me when I’m supposed to be asleep?

 **Waffle Iron:** Because I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t be asleep.

 **Waffle Iron:** Now stop avoiding my question. Why do you trust him?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I was hoping I could wait and tell you about everything when there was less going on, but you’re not going to sleep until you know, are you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Take a guess.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** When I met him, I had planned to yell at him and get answers to what all happened. Knew you would’ve loved to do it yourself, but I didn’t know if you’d get the chance.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks for that, I guess. Did you at least punch him?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Didn’t get to. The moment I brought it up, when I mentioned your mom… He assumed I was threatening him. The ‘do what I say or she pays’ threatening.

 **Waffle Iron:** I didn’t realize that he wouldn’t know about…

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I didn’t either, until then. Until he started to reply with what he would do to me if she got hurt.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I know you’ll hate to hear this, but the two of you are a lot alike. Not just physically, but how you react to things, your expressions. It’s a bit uncanny. The look he gave me then reminded me far too much of you. When you defend Al or one of us or anyone else you care about.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** A man who reacts like that to protect the woman and kids he hasn’t seen in a decade is not the kind of man who left because he wanted to. Combined with the fact that he believed someone would be threatening him, and everything having to do with his lack of records, I could see there was more to the story. So I gave him the chance to tell it.

 **Waffle Iron:** And you just went along with the ‘Evil Twin’ story because of that?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’m not an idiot.

 **Waffle Iron:** If that were true you wouldn’t have gotten stabbed.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You know what I mean. And you’re right, it did sound crazy and ridiculous. Then again, this is the man you refer to as ‘The Cryptid’. Of course I did investigate on my own just to double check, but everything was as he said.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Are you okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** Don’t know. I think this helped.

 **Waffle Iron:** Still mad that you didn’t tell us sooner.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You can punch me when I’m not stabbed.

 **Waffle Iron:** Why does everyone assume I’m going to punch them?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Take a guess.

 **Waffle Iron:** On that note, if there’s any way we can help out…

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You realize that none of us are letting you get involved with this case.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not saying ‘send a bunch of kids into the fight’, I’m saying that if you tell us what’s going on, we might see something you didn’t.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You already have an idea, don’t you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not sure yet.

 **Waffle Iron:** I can feel your exasperation from here by the way.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’ll think about it. Even if we show you the files, you’re staying far away from any of the danger.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates might slow down a little bit. It's getting difficult to write the whole 'plot' thing. Like, I know what goes down and how, but since this is in a 'only conversations in the groupchat are seen' fic, well, I'm trying to figure out how to tell a coherent story without an obnoxious "Last time, on Shenanigan and A Half: Local asshole gets taken out like a little bitch!". 
> 
> Yeah, so that's a thing. Not to mention that sometimes you just gotta work on other fics or art or just straight up procrastinate and play minecraft instead ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even I don't know where this one went. 
> 
> Usernames:   
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hohenheim - Expert In Gibberish
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

@ **Dumb Fucking Horse** added @ **Expert In Gibberish** to _Family Chat_  


**Dumb Fucking Horse:** Well, this decision might end up figuratively and literally set everything on fire.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Have fun trying to figure out everyone’s Usernames.

 **Gun:** I believe the pain meds finally kicked in properly.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Due to process of elimination, I can assume that ‘Gun’ is Riza. I’m not sure why, but I have a feeling ‘Waffle Iron’ is Ed.

 **Waffle Iron:** Correct.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** How sarcastic is Al’s Username supposed to be?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Uh

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Sarcastic enough that I feel Instant Regret™ any time someone points it out?

 **Waffle Iron:** And now that song is stuck in my head again. Speaking of Disney movies though, is your Username a McFucking Atlantis reference????

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I always liked the myth, that was a fantastic movie, and I do have a habit of learning languages.

 **Gun:** Your language habit actually explains a few things. Such as how the boys learned to swear in other languages.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I feel like I should apologize, yet I should point out that no one reprimanded Ed for saying ‘McFucking’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** gift horse

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Pain meds are definitely kicking in.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** No. The gift horse saying that you say weirdly.

 **Waffle Iron:** We say it weirdly?

 **Gun:** The original phrase is ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. You say ‘Gift horses are especially self conscious about the inside of their mouths.’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And,, once again, no one decided to tell us this was odd?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** We understood what you meant.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** The downside to learning multiple languages is that sometimes you forget a common saying and attempt to translate it through other languages’ common sayings. Then it just kind of sticks because no one lets you live it down.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Not to drag down the conversation, but one of the reasons I did this was so that I could have backup when I tell Ed that we’re not letting him anywhere this case.

 **Gun:** No.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** The entire point of all of this was keeping you boys away from danger. If Roy hadn’t gotten hurt, I wouldn’t be telling you any of this until it was over.

 **Waffle Iron:** Again, I’m not saying ‘put us in the fight’, I just want to have more info on things so I know what all’s going on. You already explained why last night happened, so you might as well tell us what else you know.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You already have an idea though, right?

 **Waffle Iron:** Slightly. I can’t confirm any theorizing until I have more info, and then if that’s right I have an idea.

 **Gun:** And just what are you theorizing?

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, it has to do with someone Al and I met a while back.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Huh?

 **Waffle Iron:** Vest guy.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** OH! That makes sense now that I think about it.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Who?

 **Waffle Iron:** We don’t know his real name, but a while back when we were downtown this guy started heavily flirting with Al.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How ‘heavily’?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** How ‘heavily’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It wasn’t creepy or anything! Then again, it also wasn’t exactly, well, unwanted at the time?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** However given where Ed’s theory is going I am reconsidering that.

 **Gun:** Where is he going, exactly?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Even I’m not sure where you’re going.

 **Waffle Iron:** Because when I met the guy, he kept looking at me like I was familiar to him. We kinda joked about it later, but I’m wondering if maybe he thought I was familiar because I look pretty similar to you, so I assume I look decently similar to your evil twin as well.

 **Waffle Iron:** Obviously it could just be a coincidence, but if not then I have an idea.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** If your ‘idea’ is using me as some form of live bait, then no

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [youstopthat.png](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/912/638/d67.jpg)

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Absolutely not.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not saying ‘seduce him to the side of Good’ or whatever. But the whole reason Roy got stabbed is because he was trying to get one of them alone to talk, but screwed it up by freaking her out.

 **Waffle Iron:** If Vest Guy is a part of it, then Al or I could start up a conversation without immediately freaking him out. He might even be more inclined to listen if there’s a familiar face. Well, a friendly familiar face.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** What happened to ‘staying out of the fight’? While he might not react immediately, once you start asking him questions he could panic.

 **Waffle Iron:** Because the way to contact him is through the internet. At the very least we know his YouTube account, but we could probably find his Chat Username somewhere. If he panics, most that could happen is blocking us.

 **Gun:** I hate to say that he has a point.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I brought you in as backup to shut this down.

 **Gun:** It’s a safer plan than ‘two grown men think that confronting a young girl somewhat late at night won’t freak her out at all’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What made you two think that was a good idea again?

 **Waffle Iron:** Hey, remember, this is all hypothetical. While I have a feeling about it, I don’t know for sure if Vest Guy is involved. Which is why I want to know what you know.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** We can discuss this later. You have a point in that, now that you are somewhat involved, you should know what’s going on so that you can keep yourselves safe. But I still don't want you involved more than you have to be. 

 **Waffle Iron:** How about discussing it over breakfast?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I was just about to ask who was cooking something.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ling is. I’m a bit more chill at the moment, so since he’s not focusing on comforting me he’s switched to stress baking. I’m attempting to keep him on breakfast foods for now but don’t be surprised if we end up with several dozen cookies.

 **Waffle Iron:** On the bright side, if you have a craving you might want to drop a hint and it’ll be added to the list.

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** This is weird, right?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Given all that’s happened, you’ll have to be more specific.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fair

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean I think it’s weird how well we’re coping with all of this. Or are we just doing the ‘I’ll deal with this later’ thing?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** A bit of both, maybe? I’ve been trying to sort out how I feel, but it’s difficult when everything’s happening.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. I think we’re actually doing fairly well though? In the long term this will probably be another thing added to the therapy sessions, but for now I think we’re good.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What major life change doesn’t involve therapy sessions?

 **Waffle Iron:** On the bright side, I did find some oddly specific potential Christmas gifts:

 **Waffle Iron:** [keychain.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/0a3973f0bc43146d89c24ae27a0ef128/tumblr_phusymHbHz1voo54i_400.jpg)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay, I see we’re at the humor stage. Is this the ‘trying to deal with it using humor' stage or the ‘I’ve gotten past it enough to make jokes’ stage?

 **Waffle Iron:** Like you said, probably both.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Alright. Just tell us if you’re not fine though, okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m getting better at that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. But still.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks though. And, you know, same for if you start freaking out.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I saw those keychains I immediately thought of that joke. 
> 
> At this point, should I tag Al/Greed? It was originally a one-off joke but then it somehow got dragged into the plot. 
> 
> Also, thanks to everyone for being chill with slower updates!!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not completely happy with this, but since I'm kinda sick and I know some of y'all probably have to deal with Family Thanksgiving, I might as well give you something fun in the meantime!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed - Waffle Iron  
> Greed - Ask Me Nicely

Direct Message (@ **Ask Me Nicely** )

 **Waffle Iron:** Huh. Did you know that your youtube account is linked here?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Thanks for the tip, but who the hell are you?

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, you call my brother ‘Sleeping Beauty’, so I guess I got a nickname too.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hello there, Goldilocks

 **Waffle Iron:** I know you’ve seen my videos, so you probably know my actual name by now. Or do you just like nicknames?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Most people I know go by nicknames. I haven’t even gone by my real name in years.

 **Waffle Iron:** Then how do you explain your username? While it’s a classic joke, not everyone can guess ‘How do you get Dick from Richard’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** How’d you guess it then?

 **Waffle Iron:** It was in your file.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Excuse me?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yep. Got files on a few of you. Considering you prefer to go by ‘Greed’, can I assume that Solaris prefers ‘Lust’, Emerald prefers ‘Envy’ and so on?  
**Ask Me Nicely:** Something tells me that you’re not just some cute blonde, and you’re not messaging me just to say hello.

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, I know I’m probably freaking you out, but I’m not good with ‘subtle’

 **Waffle Iron:** You and your friends got caught in a bit of my family drama.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Guess the familiar face wasn’t a coincidence then. Why wait until now to say something?

 **Waffle Iron:** I only found out about him yesterday. Don’t have his Codename yet.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He likes being called ‘Father’

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m sorry the fuck? I’m hoping there’s a legitimate reason for that one.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’s not what you’re thinking but there isn’t much justification for the Codename.

 **Waffle Iron:** You didn’t happen to mention me to him, have you?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Not yet. Keep being creepy and I might.

 **Waffle Iron:** Has anyone else told him about me? Or about last night’s incident?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Figures you had something to do with that too. Same answer though. Now, since you’re not good with ‘subtle’, I’ll be direct. What the hell do you want with us?

 **Waffle Iron:** Honestly? To live in fucking peace. But hey, when your bio-dad is a fucking cryptid with an evil twin, and your adoptive dad decides to get involved and do stupid things like get stabbed, apparently that’s not an option.

 **Waffle Iron:** So, for now, I’d like to go with just ‘living’. Which means taking down my ‘Evil Uncle’

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And you’re telling me this because you think I’ll help with that. Why the hell would you think I would just easily turn on him?

 **Waffle Iron:** Firstly, you’re still talking to me. Secondly, despite our limited encounters, I don’t really get an ‘okay with letting some people be killed’ vibe from you. Thirdly, I read your file.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What part of my ‘file’ could remotely indicate a good person? Or are you just hoping the ‘tragic backstory means he’s just a good person making bad decisions’ trope is true?

 **Waffle Iron:** Your file includes the Devil’s Nest incident.

 **Waffle Iron:** You can’t be happy with him after that. Not that it sounds like he’s all that happy with you. Seems like he only cares about you if you’re unquestioningly loyal and obedient. How long do you think that will last?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Let me guess: Helping you is a ‘better offer’?

 **Waffle Iron:** I know it’s hard to believe that some people are crazy enough to just want to help, but we do.

 **Waffle Iron:** But look at it this way: If we’re lying, worst that happens is you get arrested. Think you’ll get that kind of offer from him?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Let me rephrase my original question then: Why do you think I’d easily turn against my sister?

 **Waffle Iron:** Because this isn’t an offer just for you.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re the only one we could contact safely, but it’s an offer for your little group. Any who want to jump ship.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** …

 **Ask Me Nicely:** When does the offer run out?

 **Waffle Iron:** By tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thirty chapters. What the actual fuckening. 
> 
> Like, this fic spawned out of the 'EdLing Week Youtubers AU' prompt, and was supposed to be just a couple funny chapters to kick writer's block in the ass. Now it's thirty chapters long and has a legitimate serious plot. 
> 
> I mean, go big or go home and all but damn.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of quotes here. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Pride: Kinda Shady  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke. Or just blatant self-promotion.

Direct Message (@ **Netflix And Kill** )

  


**Ask Me Nicely:** [Screenshots.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5fd2223aaada271af799fd787b62e80c/tumblr_pgfzlynq9f1slzfcio4_1280.png)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What do you think.

 **Netflix And Kill:** What the actual fuck

 **Netflix And Kill:** He can’t be serious.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I think he might be telling the truth

 **Netflix And Kill:** Considering his adoptive dad is the guy I stabbed recently, I don’t think that’s a guy to trust.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Then why was he honest about it?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** If he wanted more of a setup, it would’ve been easier for him message me and return the flirting by asking to meet up, with the ‘meeting’ being a trap. He wouldn’t outright tell me that sort of thing.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Unless he thinks that wouldn’t work.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He has a point though. If it’s a trap, we end up in the same place. But if it’s a real chance….

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I think, given all that’s happened, I’d rather take it than stay. I won’t do it without you though.

 **Netflix And Kill:** That’s crazy.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And if it’s crazy, live a little crazy.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Are you trying to convince me using Greatest Showman lyrics?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I mean, it fits, doesn’t it?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** ‘You can play it sensible, a king of conventional, or you can risk it all and see’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** You’re right about one thing. It can’t be much worse than where we’re headed.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Have you mentioned this to anyone else yet?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** No. I was planning on it, if you thought it was a good idea.

* * *

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So, I got a very interesting message

 **Ask Me Nicely:** [screenshots.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/8c5466fc88e1e20685b44ebfa25dfbee/tumblr_pgfzlynq9f1slzfcio1_1280.png)

 **Kinda Shady:** That’s…. a lot to process.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** The hell kind of username is ‘Waffle Iron’?

 **Netflix And Kill:** That’s what you focus on?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** It’s the easiest to process.

 **Kinda Shady:** Are you actually thinking of taking that offer?

 **Netflix And Kill:** If you don’t, Greed will attempt to convince you through a musical number

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** How is that a bad thing?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Seriously though. Is this a deal you would like to take?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You make it sound like you’ve already chosen to take it.

 **Kinda Shady:** It seems like a dumb idea that could get us all killed.

 **Netflix And Kill:** It’s not the smart thing, but it is the right thing.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Is staying as we are any less of a dumb idea that could get us all killed?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Do you really want to stay if there’s another option?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** We’re all gonna die.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Certainty of death. Small chance of success. What are we waiting for?

 **Kinda Shady:** Did you just quote Lord of the Rings?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And you got on me for Greatest Showman lyrics.

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Waffle Iron** )

  


**Ask Me Nicely:** You have a deal.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks. I’ll tell you where to meet them soon.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You won’t be there yourself?

 **Waffle Iron:** Apparently my family is very insistent on keeping me out of danger.

 **Waffle Iron:** Is that a problem?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I trust you more than I trust them.

 **Waffle Iron:** …

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll see what I can do, but don’t worry. They’re people you can trust.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greatest Showman lyrics, LotR quote, and two low-key Atlantis quotes! I'm having fun here.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of summing it up the best I can since everything important happened off-screen. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**More Like A Nonja:** You know how usually Ling threatens to tie Ed up to keep him from doing something stupid?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Right now Ed’s off doing something stupid and I’m tempted to tie Ling up because he is still stress baking and I can only handle so many desserts.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I have many concerns and this helps.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You have started multitaksing and making macarons and crème brûlée at the same time!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Actually that’s just being practical.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I only need egg whites for the macarons. I should do something with the yolks while I let the macarons rest.

 **Pantastic:** He has a point.

 **Wrench Wench:** While I’m also worried about everyone, I think you might want to find a different de-stress activity...

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Any suggestions? Because if not then I should probably go back to baking.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m trying to reason with my anxieties. If it was that dangerous they wouldn’t have let Ed talk them into bringing him. And they definitely wouldn’t have let Al go too.

 **Wrench Wench:** Hey, here’s something to distract you: so apparently some supplies fell out of Granny’s emergency medkit last night. Probably a few things floating around now.

 **Pantastic:** What should we be looking for?

 **Wrench Wench:** Most of it is just some gauze and medical tape. Which, yeah, if you find that go ahead and keep it we can replace that easy

 **Wrench Wench:** But uh… do you know what an EpiPen looks like?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That sounds important

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** brb, spelunking into the couch cushions.

 **Wrench Wench:** It’s not actually an EpiPen, that’s just the type of thing you’d most likely recognize it as. If you don’t find it we can replace it, I just wanted to warn you so you don’t find it and accidentally use it.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Just in case someone sits on it and gets stabbed in the ass, what can we expect?

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. It’s pretty much an emergency sedative so you’ll just get knocked the fuck out.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sounds fun. Let’s hope I don’t get stabbed.

 **Pantastic:** I’m gonna say ‘knock on wood’ because everything you joke about comes true.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** No it doesn’t.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** A lot of times it does. I’ve been keeping a list.

* * *

 **Waffle Iron:** We are alive!

 **Pantastic:** You could just say ‘we’re back’, but no, you had to say that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not the closest to death I’ve been, but holy fuck.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You are not helping my stress levels!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I have several concerns

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I just read the messages we missed and, uh, Win I know where the emergency sedatives went and you’re not getting them back.

 **Wrench Wench:** What. Did you. Do.

 **Totally Not A Furry:**  /I/ did nothing.

 **Wrench Wench:** Ed, please tell me you didn’t decide to do some hero shit and try to knock out your evil uncle.

 **Waffle Iron:** Technically no?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Again, not helping my stress levels!!!!

 **Waffle Iron:** It was less ‘I want to play hero’ and more ‘if something goes wrong’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Which it did. Because it’s us.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So, given that news, what level of stress baking is Ling at now? Because I’m ready to start that up myself.

 **More Like A Nonja:** None actually. I gave in and tied him up about five minutes ago. He still has an arm free to text, but he’s not getting up soon.

 **Pantastic:** Where did you get stuff to tie him up?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Wrench Wench:** While I try to process that bit of information, would you two kindly tell the rest of us what the everloving fuck happened?

 **Waffle Iron:** We were attempting to meet with the Delightful Children From Down The Lane, but then Asshole McDickcheese had to pop up and ruin it and everything went all:

 **Waffle Iron:** [mylife.gif](https://66.media.tumblr.com/abaeeb7fa33a768caace00453a224d18/tumblr_muctp0pis21sqhdk6o1_400.gif)

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So it was a trap?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not really. More like someone slipped up somewhere and the Evil Uncle caught on. Got a bit murder-y.

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s hard to murder someone if you’re knocked the fuck out. It was kind of anti-climactic really.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not from everyone else’s perspective! We didn’t know you had that thing on you!

 **Waffle Iron:** I just meant in the ‘I expected everything to go to hell and be a cool giant battle’ instead of ‘local man is too much of an asshole, his subordinates turn on him, and he goes down like a little bitch’.

 **Wrench Wench:** How about, next time, you don’t go into the danger? Or at least ask to weaponize my medical supplies??

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I would prefer the ‘not in danger’ option.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I think everyone was going with that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So, uh, what happens now?

 **Waffle Iron:** Adults are all handling the legal crap, but we’ll see where it goes from there. We don’t seem to be in danger anymore so we’re good, but they’re hesitant to let us out of their sight at the moment.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Gee, I wonder why!

 **Pantastic:** Is there any good news?

 **Waffle Iron:** I think ‘we’re alive and not in danger’ is pretty fucking good news???

 **Pantastic:** I meant did ‘Sleeping Beauty’ find ‘True Love’s Kiss’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m never going to live that down, am I?

 **Waffle Iron:** Nope

 **Wrench Wench:** Nope

 **More Like A Nonja:** Nope

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Nope

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Nope.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Also, we’ve just gone through a hell of an experience, and you’re wondering ‘did I get a boyfriend out of this mess??’

 **Pantastic:** I’m handling the whole situation of two friends almost dying by going right into a weird combo of denial and acceptance.

 **Pantastic:** So…..?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** All things considered, I’m not sure that would be a good idea at the moment. I mean, he was working for the Evil Uncle, his twin is the one that stabbed Roy, etc. It’d make for a very strange Family Christmas

 **Waffle Iron:** Because Family Christmas isn’t already strange enough? Need I remind you:

 **Waffle Iron:** [keychain.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/0a3973f0bc43146d89c24ae27a0ef128/tumblr_phusymHbHz1voo54i_400.jpg)

 **Wrench Wench:** Are you actually encouraging this?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m…. somewhat questioning Al’s taste but the guy seems okay?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Is it because of the, what was it? A fur-collared vest?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** His outfit choice was a lot better this time.

 **Waffle Iron:** He also let his hair grow out a lot. Which is…

 **Waffle Iron:** I didn’t notice it last time but when his hair is longer he kinda looks a little like Ling.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You’re not wrong and now I can’t un-see that. Thanks.

 **Wrench Wench:** How similar is he?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Considering my dad’s reputation, I wouldn’t doubt there are more half-siblings I never knew about.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Now that’d be a strange Family Christmas

 **Waffle Iron** : I don’t think it’s _that_ bad. Just enough to do a double take.

 **Pantastic:** So why is that making you question Al’s taste? All things considered, I thought you’d approve of that taste.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not saying that he’s not objectively attractive. I’m just wondering how Al’s taste is so close to mine.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don't get it either...

 **Wrench Wench:** I feel like you two have a Venn Diagram with a lot of overlap, and parts that don’t overlap are so different that it seems like there’s no overlap.

 **Wrench Wench:** But when there is a similarity, it kicks you in the dick.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Lovely imagery there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought a fic with a title of 'Shenanigan and a Half' was not going to have the main villain get taken out like a little bitch, you might want to read the title again. 
> 
> We still have some stuff to do, like getting the Sins Crew into the main groupchat. But for the most part, everyone is going back to the, well usual shenanigans! 
> 
> Also, the Al/Greed thing is a lot like Cotton Eye Joe. I have no idea where it came from, no idea where it'll go, but it's stuck in my head for eternity. I'll probably actually tag that now because even though I don't know about 'endgame ships' it ain't gonna stop just yet. 
> 
> (Hell, I don't even know about endgame in general. This could update indefinitely if I wanted.)


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more bit of seriousness before returning to 99% comedy. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

Direct Message (@ **Ding Dong Bitch** )

 **Waffle Iron:** Are you awake?  
 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah. Think I had too much sugar to fall asleep yet.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** you okay?  
 **Waffle Iron:** I think everything from the past few days is finally sinking in properly.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** Figured it would hit eventually. How you doing?  
 **Waffle Iron:** As good as I can, I think?   
**Waffle Iron:** Like, I’m pretty sure this is the worst of it for now, and I’m at that ‘I don’t ‘need’ comfort but I kinda want some’ stage. Everyone in the house is asleep though.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** Do you want to come over?  
 **Waffle Iron:** Uh  
 **Waffle Iron:** Sort of. I kind of realize even if I leave a note saying where I went, they’d probably freak out if I up and disappeared right now.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah, that’s probably a bad idea.   
**Waffle Iron:** Do you think you could come here instead?  
 **Waffle Iron:** I can let you in and just explain in the morning.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** Hm. Sneaking into my boyfriend’s house in the middle of the night, after a major situation, and being found out in the morning. How high are the chances of Roy shooting me?  
 **Waffle Iron:** Firstly, I’m letting you in and making sure Black Hayate doesn’t bark, so it’s not like you’ll get caught. Secondly, considering they already know we’ve done stuff before/encouraged it, it’s not like anyone will get mad about it.  
 **Waffle Iron:** Thirdly, if anyone’s shooting you it’s Riza.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** I like how you all agree on who would be shooting me.   
**Waffle Iron:** Also, I know you were probably joking about it, but when I say ‘come over’ I really do mean just come over. Not… you know.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh. Yeah. I figured. I’ll be over soon.   
**Waffle Iron:** Thanks. Love you.   
**Waffle Iron** : I feel like I don’t say that often enough.   
**Ding Dong Bitch.** Love you too. And you say it plenty.   
**Waffle Iron:** I think I don’t say it like I mean it often.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** trust me, even if you say it sarcastically, I know you mean it.   
**Ding Dong Bitch:** How about we wait until I’m over there to get too sappy though?   
**Waffle Iron: Yeah.** See you soon.

* * *

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [unexpectedbutcute.png ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5f360a1abf118e6574f63ec4c041d9d4/tumblr_inline_p7hmvbj9hK1rzqfq6_540.gif)  
**Wrench Wench:** Aw.   
**Wrench Wench:** They are adorable when they’re quiet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really though. Next chapter is back to the comedy. Not that there won't ever be feels/drama/plot again, but it'll be more like before.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At what point do I admit that this fic is a thinly-veiled call-out post of self-projection?
> 
> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Gun:** I need your help with something.

 **Denim:** Regular help or another adventure with someone tall, gold, and mysterious?

 **Bread:** ‘Tall, gold, and mysterious’? You writing a romance novel over there?

 **Hacker Voice:** Are you writing it seriously, or are you going for more of a ‘galloping abs’ situation? I think the latter would be more appropriate.

 **Gun:** Regular help with something awful, though perhaps we also need an intervention for this romance novel.

 **Denim:** There is no romance novel, but thank you for reminding me of the galloping abs.

 **Knife Emoji:** What do you need help with?

 **Gun:** Roy had an idea this morning.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Are we still on this?

 **Gun:** Yes. Because you still think there’s a possibility of you looking good with a mustache.

 **Denim:** So you just killed Furey with that.

 **Denim:** He read it and is now laughing so hard he’s mostly just gasping.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Come on.

 **Bread:** Why would you think a mustache is a good idea?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Why does everyone think it’d be a bad idea?

 **Knife Emoji:** Because you with facial hair of any kind is ridiculous

 **Denim:** Furey is dying of laughter just from imagining it.

 **Hacker Voice:** Okay, I’m good. I’m alive.

 **Gun:** Roy, if you grow a mustache I will divorce you, and I will get custody of the kids and the dog.

 **Gun:** Partly because they agree with me about the mustache.

 **Bread:** Already brought up the idea to the boys?

 **Gun:** It came up at breakfast. Ed threatened to shave Roy in his sleep if he tried.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You all think it’s a bad idea, but you won’t know unless you actually see it.

 **Hacker Voice:** I think the only one who would look worse than you with a mustache is me with a mustache. But at least I acknowledge it.

 **Gun:** Maes, please pull out something from the Blackmail Folder to keep him away from this idea.

 **Knife Emoji:** This isn’t exactly ‘find something in the Blackmail Folder to threaten you with’ level

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Thanks

 **Knife Emoji:** This is ‘I’m going to jump straight into telling a story from the Blackmail Folder to shame you because some of that folder was a better idea’ level.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Oh come on!

 **Denim:** Give us the dirt!

 **Gun:** Go for one of the ones I haven’t heard.

 **Knife Emoji:** Buckle up kids! Let’s go back a quite a while. All the way back to when we were 19.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Oh no.

 **Knife Emoji:** Now, I forget exactly why, I think a friend’s kid was having birthday party or something, but we had access to one of those big inflatable bouncey castles.

 **Bread:** This sounds like it’ll be painful.

 **Knife Emoji:** It was. Now, what dumb and painful idea do you think two mischievous nineteen year olds could think of to do in a bouncey castle?

 **Gun:** You want to rephrase that question?

 **Denim:** Uh…

 **Denim:** My first thought is probably not where you’re going.

 **Hacker Voice:** Glad I’m not the only one thinking ‘did you two have sex in the bouncey castle?’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** We did not have sex in the bouncey castle damn it!

 **Knife Emoji:** Don’t worry. This is a very… _clean_ story.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I hate you and your puns so much right now.

 **Knife Emoji:** I am the King of Corny Puns!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ugh.

 **Gun:** So what ‘clean fun’ did you have in the bouncey castle?

 **Hacker Voice:** Adding that to the list of ‘questions I’d never thought I’d see asked’.

 **Knife Emoji:** We got a hose and a jug of dish soap and filled that sucker up.

 **Bread:** That’s a lot better than the other option.

 **Denim:** That actually sounds like a lot of fun?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** It was. But it was also a bad idea. You don’t notice how bruised up you get when you’re slipping around in there. But you sure as hell feel it the next morning.

 **Gun:** Again, phrasing.

 **Knife Emoji:** I would rather do that again than let you grow a mustache.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** …

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I will reconsider it. If only because, even if it does look good, I will have to suffer through all of this until that point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second time I put the bouncey castle in a fic. (Technically fourth, but the other three fics were the same continuity).


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More memery. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Waffle Iron:** Adults knowing memes is weird.

 **Pantastic:** What did Roy do now?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It wasn’t Roy…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What did Riza do?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not her either.

 **Wrench Wench:** I think I know where this is headed and I don’t want it to be.

 **Waffle Iron:** See, I can handle Roy and Riza knowing memes. Like, sure. They’re adults. They’re ‘old’. And it throws me for a loop sometimes because I forget about it. But ultimately I realize that they’re millennials who grew up with internet culture much like we did.

 **Waffle Iron:** But when it’s The Cryptid who is even older than them…

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You sure it wasn’t accidental meme usage? Sometimes my mom says something I laugh at and then I have to try to explain why I laughed.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I laughed at one of the Hallmark Christmas Movies she was watching because it played the 'last Christmas I gave you my heart' and all I could think of was 'you threw it against the wall like a wet paper towel!'

 **Totally Not A Furry:**  It was definitely intentional. The only way someone would say ‘I sure hope it does’ in that exact tone of voice is if you know what you’re talking about.

 **Waffle Iron:** I shouldn’t be as surprised. He didn’t question any of the weird meme stuff we said before. And no one had to explain Al’s chat name to him.

 **Wrench Wench:** Really???

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thank you for reminding me of my regret

 **Pantastic:** All I can imagine is:

 **Pantastic:** [fellowkids.png](https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/MpA2HVftSFntl9HhmhlQA3MEjIU=/0x0:1409x785/1200x800/filters:focal\(622x252:846x476\)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/55701647/Screen_Shot_2017_07_13_at_1.09.20_PM.0.png)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oddly no

 **Waffle Iron:** Maybe it’s another ‘Cryptid trait’, but it doesn’t come out that weird? Obviously it’s weird enough to complain about on a base level, but personality-wise it comes out pretty natural?

 **Wrench Wench:** See, now all I can imagine is you in 30 years still learning the future’s meme culture

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Don’t underestimate him

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You know, while previous generations became out of touch with the generations after them, considering how well the millennial/GenZ kids can keep up with memery already, I think we might just continue to be involved with pop culture and learn future memes. Maybe not all of them or ‘on time’, but we will.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I feel both proud and terrified of that future

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So, that aside, how is the whole ‘interacting with The Cryptid’ thing going?

 **Waffle Iron:** Other than the weirdness and overall surreal bullshit? Pretty well?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Somehow we ended up with him teaching us other languages.

 **Waffle Iron:** Actually teaching us this time, instead of just letting us pick up foreign swear words.

 **Wrench Wench:** That explains so much. Yet the more questions are answered, the more questions I have. 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inevitable. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Ask Me Nicely-Greed  
> Netflix And Kill-Lust
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Waffle Iron:** So… Some interesting things happened.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Anyone else feel their fight or flight response kick in?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s a good interesting?

 **Wrench Wench:** That only slightly calms my nerves.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Just tell us.

 **Pantastic:** So what happened?

  


**@Waffle Iron** added **@Ask Me Nicely** and **@Netflix And Kill** to **Shenanigan and a Half**

  


**Waffle Iron:** Apparently friendship happened?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I feel like I should shout ‘What’s up fuckers?!’ but I have a feeling…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What’s up fuckers?!

 **Netflix And Kill:** There it is.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Damn it.

 **Pantastic:**  What?

 **Waffle Iron:** We managed to make friends with Vest Guy and Stabby McGee.

 **Netflix And Kill:** You stab a guy one time and suddenly it’s ‘your thing’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m not even surprised anymore.

**Ding Dong Bitch:[ oneofthosedays.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/nJKAyxFxyNgze/giphy.gif)**

**Totally Not A Furry:** For the record, ‘Vest Guy’ goes by Greed, and ‘Stabby McGee’ goes by Lust.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** right. You mentioned the ‘Sins Crew’ thing.

 **Waffle Iron:** We kinda decided to at least try making an actual friendship happen, and it sort of did? At least with these two.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You got more of the group than you think. It’ll take Pride a while to open up and Envy’s being a stubborn fuck as usual(mostly because they’re still salty about Ed insulting their fashion taste), but they’ll come around.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Gluttony and Sloth liked you two well enough too. But they don’t have a chat account. Well, Sloth has one, but he has it on mute 24/7 so it doesn’t really matter if you added him.

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s six out of seven. So you’re missing ‘Wrath’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** We do not talk about Wrath :)

 **Netflix And Kill:** Uh. He has some issues with Wrath.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Noted.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I have a question, but I’m not sure how to word it without sounding like an ass.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Go for it. We’ll figure it out.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Why is this a thing? While I don’t doubt that this could easily become a good friendship, why did you two go out of your way to befriend some people you barely know?

 **Waffle Iron:** Because it was either that or play BotW again, and tbh I’d get nothing else done if I did that.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Thanks

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Jokes aside, though we had only a few interactions with them, we did already get this strange ‘this might potentially be a friendship’ vibe and decided to go for it.

 **Wrench Wench:** Why can’t you two make friends in a normal way?

 **Waffle Iron:** What do you mean?

 **Wrench Wench:** You never end up making friends in normal situations. Even if it seems normal, it quickly devolves into strangeness.

 **Waffle Iron:** No it doesn’t.

 **Pantastic:** Uh. I ended up in this friend group for attempted pickpocketing so…

 **Netflix And Kill:** I think the two of us qualify well enough.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Definitely.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I was about to point out that Mei and I became friends under normal circumstances, but then I remembered that when I brought her to meet the rest of the group she tried to kick Ling’s ass.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Fair point.

 **Waffle Iron:** I made friends with Ling in a normal way!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah, we got paired up for a class project and ended up sticking together after. That also counts for two since you got Lan Fan as a package deal.

 **Pantastic:** I count it since you ended up talking long enough to develop a friendship because you were debating your bullshit ATLA self-insert fanfic

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s not a self-insert fanfic!

 **More Like A Nonja:** It kind of is.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think it qualifies more as ‘I have a theory and decided to make a story around it’

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t think I heard that story?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Okay, I need to know what context on this.

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s long and complicated so I’ll explain it later. But that still counts as ‘normal’! I made a friend by talking about a series I like!

 **Wrench Wench:** Yeah, but that led to 1. you and Lan Fan fully becoming friends through a sparring match 2. the chaos of you blindsiding us with getting a boyfriend and 3. Ling and Mei’s family drama.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay she has a point with that last one.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Speaking of, now that our own family drama has calmed down, how is that going?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Well no one’s been murdered yet so that’s good.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think I got my mom to the point were she’ll let the friendship continue, but she’ll still probably glare at you and be snarky and passive-agressive if she sees you.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** On that note, who’s up for an ‘our friends didn’t get killed and also managed to make new friends’ sleepover?

 **Pantastic:** The best way to learn about new friends? Seeing what gets them laughing in a game of Cards against Humanity.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Know what’s another way to learn about new friends?

 **Wrench Wench:** That sentence fills me with fear.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Everything said in this chat fills someone with fear.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Did you know that when you add someone to a chat, they can see any of the pictures that have been sent before? Because Greed just found some interesting ones. And by that I mean he saw them and turned very red.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Okay! I tried to take the phone away from her before she told you that, but she’s now locked in the other room. So just for the record: I was only going through the past images to see if there were any funny memes or anything!

 **Waffle Iron:** What the hell did you find????

 **Netflix And Kill:** One image was labeled ‘Honey.png’, the other was called ‘killmenow.png’.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Speaking of, who wants to take me the fuck out?!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I remember one of those. And given what that was I think I can guess what the other one was.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I definitely remember those.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t?

 **More Like A Nonja:** It was during a conversation where you purposely muted the chat.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Well, at least it’s nothing that will bother me!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So, what level of murdered will I be when they realize?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think it’s a ‘they brought this on themselves’ situation.

 **Wrench Wench:** I just did the smart thing of going back and looking at what was sent and yeah those pictures… They definitely brought this on their own damn selves.

 **Waffle Iron:** sfjgkfdhjk

 **Waffle Iron:** I just remembered that and I think I’m dying a little.

 **Waffle Iron:** But not as much as Al is right now because I can hear his panicking from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calling myself out again with that BotW comment. That's one reason why there was a long break. I picked up the game and said 'oh I can just play this while taking a break'. Next thing I knew it was a week later and I'd done everything except getting all the armor upgrades.   
> So, to apologize a little, have a playlist:   
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmZZkgLbOR_JVT0QhdkTlk78SarbzHRc0&disable_polymer=true  
> A playlist of songs I associate with FMA. Some are just general association, some are specific to characters/relationships, and some are very thematic to certain fics I'm planning.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 'how did this happen?' ship is back. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

Direct Message ( **@Ask Me Nicely** )

  


**Totally Not A Furry:** I have a question, and it might come out bad but here it goes:

 **Totally Not A Furry:** When you flirt with me, how much of it is genuine?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I can stop if you want me to.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s not the problem!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I just want to know, uh, where you’re going with it? Is it just banter, or do you actually mean it? And if you do mean it, is it just a ‘I think you’re pretty and we could have fun’ thing or do you actually, you know, like me?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s a complicated answer.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can you try to explain it anyway?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** …

 **Ask Me Nicely:** First time around? That was mostly what you called a ‘I think you’re pretty and we could have fun’ thing. After that I didn’t think we’d ever meet again so there was this idea of what might have been.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Now though, I’m not sure. Some of it’s definitely banter, and if you wanted to have some fun I’d be down for it. But I’d be lying if I said that I was sure it’s just that.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** There’s a lot going on. I’m not sure if there’s actually something more. And if there is, I have no idea if it’s because of everything else.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That makes sense.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I’ve never been one for lying.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Again, if it bothers you, I can stop with the flirting. Either altogether or just until I figure it out. And then, you know, if it is actually a thing then you can reject me then.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I already said it’s fine? I just, well, the reason I was asking was because I was trying to figure out exactly what I was feeling?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Huh?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I definitely like the attention, and before the serendipity of meeting again we all kind of joked about it, you know? I’m not sure what this is either, but I thought if I knew what you expected out of it then I’d be able to figure out if that’s what I wanted or not.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So what do we do about this then?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t know? Try and figure it out, I guess?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** At least this gives me a chance to test out the ‘science pickup lines’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Let me guess: ‘are you Copper and Tellurium?’

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I was going to start with a simple ‘I think we have chemistry’ one, but that’s on the list

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You have a list?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Mostly looked some up because science isn’t my strong suit.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Another classic is ‘I’d love to do you on the table, periodically.’

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think maybe you should work up to the more explicit ones.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** it’s not the most explicit. That has to go to “Would you like to be (Mg,Fe2+)2(Mg,Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2?”, though I think that’s one even you would have to look up.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** dskfjsj

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Wow.

* * *

 

 

Direct Message ( **@Netflix And Kill** )

  


**Ask Me Nicely:** Help

 **Ask Me Nicely:** [Screenshot.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/c0b95cc14b05e6c63f371721764cbd07/tumblr_pc442roMuM1rh7m9yo1_1280.jpg)

 **Netflix And Kill:** You’re a fucking disaster

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I know. Now that we’ve established that, help?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Because I can give relationship advice?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’s either you or Envy and I think we all know how that conversation would go

 **Netflix And Kill:** That’s a fair point, but damn it

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m not sure what you should do but you should do something.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Wow. How specific.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I mean actually do something. With him. Idk. Go on a date? Do some actual one-on-one interaction that isn’t just using Cards Against Humanity to flirt?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You know damn well that most of those card plays were unintentional.

 **Netflix And Kill:** But if you want actual advice on what I think you’re feeling:

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah, you flirt with everyone, but this feels different. And you think it might just seem like ‘something more’ because there’s a lot going on and he helped you out of a fucked situation.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You’re thinking that I just feel like that because I’m associating the general ‘better future’ with him…

 **Netflix And Kill:** The opposite actually.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Most of those ‘flirt and confusion’ things you listed, you also can say for Ed. You flirt with him, wouldn’t mind ‘having some fun’, you met him the same way you met Al, and he also helped you get out of the fucked situation.

 **Netflix And Kill:** But you’re not having the same crisis over him.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You might have a point...

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Now the question is ‘how do I explain that I came to this realization in ten minutes?’

* * *

 

 

Direct Message ( **@Waffle Iron** )

  


**Totally Not A Furry:** Help

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [screenshot.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/292b1969837b8277864dafb8c865d985/tumblr_pea68zsxQl1tv4e76_540.jpg)

 **Waffle Iron:** How is it that you’re the one of us who can’t get their shit together with romance?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t even know if it is romance which is exactly the problem?

 **Waffle Iron:** Fair, but still.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. How am I supposed to figure this out?

 **Waffle Iron:** Start making out and see where it goes?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can I get some real advice?

 **Waffle Iron:** It kind of was? If it is a ‘I just want to make out with him’ thing then you can get it out of your system and realize that’s what it was. If you actually do like him then, well, you’re already half-way there.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Believe it or not, I’d like to figure it out before jumping into that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I mean, you probably felt that at some point with Ling, right? The ‘do I like you or do I just think you’re pretty’ thing?

 **Waffle Iron:** Kinda? Not to a confusing extent…

 **Waffle Iron:** Obviously I thought he was overall attractive from day one, and maybe if the whole thing started with outright flirting then maybe it would’ve been confusing but we ended up as friends first so  ¯\\_( ツ)_/¯

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But how’d you figure out you liked him like that?

 **Waffle Iron:** You repeat any of this and I will pull out the sibling blackmail folder

 **Waffle Iron:** It was with the quieter moments. Sure we have fun together and we can be ridiculous, but it was when things weren’t crazy. Or they were, but not in a good way. Seeing how much he cares about people. Not just me, but all of us.

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, hey, he deals with our bullshit all the time, right?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That was so sweet and sappy I'm going to put it on a pancake.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not sure if that helps here. I mean I get it, but I’m not sure where the line is.

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess think about why this is a thing? If there hadn’t been any flirting or us joking about it or any other type of ‘expectation’, would you still be thinking about it?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think you might be right.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** When did you become the romance expert?

 **Waffle Iron:** You came to me for advice jackass!

* * *

 

Direct Message ( **@Netflix And Kill** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** Older siblings deserve financial compensation!

 **Netflix And Kill:** While I’d agree anyway, from the timing I guess you also got screenshots of a certain conversation?

 **Waffle Iron:** The guy asks me for advice then questions how I know enough about the subject

 **Netflix And Kill:** And sibling obligation means you can’t tell me how that advice went, right?

 **Waffle Iron:** Pretty much. Sounds like you helped Greed plan something.

 **Netflix And Kill:** A little. Mostly I called him an idiot.

 **Waffle Iron:** Tbh, his favorite words are ‘Mine’ and ‘Huh?’

 **Netflix And Kill:** I want to defend him, but hey, the ‘codenames’ stuck for a reason.

 **Waffle Iron:** Seriously though, do you think this whole thing is a good idea?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Worst case scenario: it ends in a decent-sized disaster but probably not a ‘kill the friendship’ disaster because they’re both too nice for that.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Best case scenario: they get together and the relationship goes so well that I’ll get to collect ‘Older Sibling Financial Compensation’ from all of you.

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s wildly optimistic and it kinda worries me that you jumped to planning a wedding?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I was going for the extreme ends of the spectrum. Don’t most people hope that even a fledgling romance will last and be a healthy marriage?

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess?

 **Waffle Iron:** Hoo boy is that tossing me into existentialism.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Oh. Sorry?

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s fine. Just that I don’t think I ever thought that far in the future with my own relationship. Mostly because for a while I wasn’t sure I’d make it to a point where that was a possibility.

 **Netflix And Kill:** fair. Now that I’m thinking more realistically I’m getting the same feeling.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ugh. You ever start up an existential crisis and immediately jump into thinking about letting something just take over your body so you can be somewhat functional?

 **Netflix And Kill:** You talking specifically a demon or can I take a test drive?

 **Waffle Iron:** That might be fun, actually. 

 **Netflix And Kill:** Or I could just entertain myself by embarrassing you.

 **Waffle Iron:** Bold of you to assume you can embarrass me more than I can embarrass myself.

 **Netflix And Kill:** You sure about that?

 **Waffle Iron:** Remember how you found out that I don’t like being called short? Despite knowing full well that I would get short jokes all night, I spent Halloween dressed as ‘Little’ Red Riding Hood just because my boyfriend wanted a couples costume of ‘Little Red and her Big Bad Wolf’, and I couldn’t say no because he gave me The Look™ and I was so fucking gone.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I know I called Greed a disaster earlier but you’re also a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I have no idea where this is going anymore so if y'all have suggestions/prompts shout them into the void. 
> 
> Also, Fun Fact: I actually did sit my ass down with a Cards Against Humanity deck and play out a game as all nine players just to have an actual solid 'who played what' that might become a side-story of sorts. If only because there were some good plays in there.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of one-on-one conversations happening lately. I really need a big Group Shenanigan again. 
> 
> Usernames:   
> More Like A Nonja-Lan Fan  
> Totally Not A Furry-Al  
> Ask Me Nicely-Greed

Direct Message ( **@Totally Not A Furry** )

  


**More Like A Nonja:** So.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I happened to notice something.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We are on opposite sides of the couch. You couldn’t just ask?

 **More Like A Nonja:** I figured you wouldn’t want everyone else to hear.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What are you asking?

 **More Like A Nonja:** What is up with the you and Greed situation?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No idea what you mean.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Really?

 **More Like A Nonja:** So the fact that you two both left the room and you came back still a bit red-faced with your hair and shirt ruffled up was just a coincidence?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yep.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You do realize you had a tie on when you left the room.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Must’ve left it in the bathroom.

 **More Like A Nonja:** And you took your tie off in there because…?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** soda spill. Didn’t want it to get stained.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Sure.

 **More Like A Nonja:** That’s why I can see it peeking out of Greed’s back pocket.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** …

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No further questions.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Look. Obviously something is going on. I just want to know why you’re sneaking off about it.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You know everyone encourages the relationship, so why not tell them it’s actually happening?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Because I don’t want to turn it into an ‘event’ just yet.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We’re still trying to figure this whole thing out and I don’t want to go through all of the usual ‘omg you’re with someone now!’ things, especially since everyone’s commented semi-jokingly before about it.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I can understand that. But what do you mean ‘figuring it out’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ugh. A lot of things.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We spent a while trying to puzzle out if what we’re feeling is actual romantic attraction, or if it’s just situational due to so many things. We’re pretty sure it’s romantic, but it’s still confusing.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Was the whole ‘teasing you about it’ thing part of the confusion?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** A little.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not like I was hesitant out of fear of more teasing. I just didn’t know if I was wanting the relationship because I wanted it or if it was because everyone else was encouraging it.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Still, sorry for any part I played in that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thanks.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Does anyone else know, or is it fully a secret?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed and Lust know. We asked them for help figuring everything out and it was relatively helpful.

 **More Like A Nonja:** ‘Relative’-ly helpful

 **Totally Not A Furry:** stop

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They already seem to be planning something else, which scares the hell out of me

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yikes ™.

 **More Like A Nonja:** That said, do you have plans to tell the rest of the group about the relationship?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Eventually. I should do it before everyone picks up on it like you did. Not everyone here has the impulse control to text me instead of shouting it.

* * *

Direct Message ( **@Ask Me Nicely** )

  


**Totally Not A Furry:** Just a heads up, Lan Fan figured out we’re a thing.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** How??

 **Totally Not A Furry:** She noticed us sneaking off. And the fact that you took my tie.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can I have that back now?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Perhaps next time

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Are you okay with her knowing?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. I mean we were going to tell everyone soon enough anyway, and it’s not like anyone would be upset or anything.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Honestly I’m more concerned with how it’ll go with the rest of the family.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Uh…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Does this have anything to do with the fact that my sister stabbed your adoptive dad? Because if so, she says she’s sorry

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Actually she said ‘the fuck did he expect with that interrogation approach?!’ but she agreed to apologize if it’s a problem.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh, no, that’s fine. I mean, when Roy explained what happened, we all had the same reaction.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He might be a bit salty about it, but in that ‘I’m going to bring it up at every family holiday’ way. 

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Then what are you worried about?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know, the whole ‘my cryptid of a dad has an evil twin who was your asshole former boss’ thing.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I have a feeling it might bring up some bad memories.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Actually, from the few interactions I’ve had with him, I don’t think it’ll be much of a problem.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Really?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** They might look physically identical, but everything else is completely different. The way he talks, his body language, everything. Even the first time Lust met him, you know…. during the stabbing incident… Anyway, she didn’t know the twin situation or anything but it took her five seconds to realize he was a different person just by how he talked to her.

 **Ask Me Nicely:**  Really, I see more familiarity between him and you and Ed than him and his evil twin. More with Ed than you, but it still happens sometimes.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, you’re right with the second part. It’s kinda weird when they’re talking and make the exact same expressions. I tried bringing it up, but all I got was the knowledge that I apparently make a lot of expressions like mom so I gave up.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Speaking of twin similarities…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I feel like I should mention that Lust and I do occasionally pull the ‘twin switch’ prank. I’ll warn you before we actually pull it off.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** If I had a twin I’d do that too. Warning me about the prank does kind of kill the surprise though.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’m mostly warning you because it would get awkward if you didn’t know when we switched.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Right. Got it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Y'all might notice that this fic now says 'part of the Shenanigans and Side Stories Series'! That's because I finally managed to put a side-story out for Christmas!


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, look who's back!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Waffle Iron-Ed  
> Netflix And Kill-Lust  
> Gender Is An Illusion-Envy

Direct Message ( **@Waffle Iron** )

  


**Netflix And Kill:** Have you messaged them yet?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not yet…

 **Netflix And Kill:** because you’re actually busy or because you’re all anxiety?

 **Waffle Iron:** I was trying out other options though?

 **Netflix And Kill:** You already said there’s no one else you can ask.

 **Waffle Iron:** I meant more self-experimentation and trying to figure it out on my own

 **Netflix And Kill:** They can help a bit.

 **Waffle Iron:** I know. But it’ll be fucking awkward. It’s personal enough already without talking to someone I barely know. Especially since what I do know is that they’re kinda pissed at me and unlikely to be helpful

 **Netflix And Kill:** It’s probably the one subject they won’t be a dick about

 **Waffle Iron:** Fine.

* * *

 

 

Direct Message ( **@Gender Is An Illusion** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** Hey, so, I know we’ve barely talked and most of our conversation was yelling at each other, but I was talking to Lust about something and she said you could help give advice???

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Why the fuck would I give you advice? Considering how you reacted to my attempts to give you fashion advice, I don’t think you’ll take it to heart.

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, I’m trying not to be a jerk because 1. I feel like there could be a friendship here and 2. I really need some help

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Do you always make friends with people you fight with?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yes, actually?

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, only if its something either petty or they’re somewhat justified at the time, so not just some actual jackass who’d hate me. Fashion counts as petty, and since I get along well with Greed and Lust and they think we’d eventually get along I’m going for it.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What kind of weird life do you lead???

 **Waffle Iron:** Considering I refer to my bio dad as ‘The Cryptid’, I think you can figure that out

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Okay, point taken. What kind of ‘advice’ am I supposed to give?

 **Waffle Iron:** How do I put this?

 **Waffle Iron:** Basically my current emotional state can be summed up by your Username.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Well then.

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, I know it’s awkward because we barely know each other, so you’re allowed to tell me to fuck off. But I would like some advice and Lust suggested you might be able to help.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Okay, I owe you a favor for the fuckery with your family drama, so I’m going to try not to be an asshole for ten minutes.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Just explain the context.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ugh. So, I mentioned to Lust that my Halloween costume last year was ‘little red riding hood’, which bothered me because I kept getting short jokes all night. She commented on how she would’ve expected the skirt to bother me more than that. At which point I realized that I hadn’t even thought about it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Cue me re-evaluating my life.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Is that where it’s stopped or have you figured anything out?

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, I’m definitely still fine being called a guy, but usually if someone thinks I’m a girl it bothers me for other reasons.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Like what?

 **Waffle Iron:** You know, using it as an insult. The classic ‘you hit like a girl’ type thing. Or someone mistakes me for a girl and starts up the creepy flirting.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** And how do you feel when it’s an honest mistake?

 **Waffle Iron:** I wasn’t sure. It hasn’t happened much, and when it does the person gets corrected immediately so I don’t have time to think about it.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Well, I know you’re some sort of scientist, so do some experimenting.

 **Waffle Iron:** I did, a bit.

 **Waffle Iron:** I still had the costume so I grabbed that and I put on a hoodie so it looked less like a costume and tried it out at a shop. Wandered around looking lost for a bit and let the workers ask ‘is there anything I can help you with, miss?” or say ‘I think this would look good on a young lady like you’.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Did it feel weird?

 **Waffle Iron:** Somewhat? Mostly because I wasn’t used to hearing it, I think. But other than that it didn’t bother me? And I’m not sure what to make of that. Like, does it actually ‘mean anything’?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not bothered by being called a girl, but I’m not bothered by being called a guy either. And it’s not like I prefer one more than the other besides the fact that I’m used to ‘guy’.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I think your situation is both the same and the exact opposite of mine. For me, I say ‘I don’t fit into either category, so don’t refer to me by that’. Sounds like you’re more like ‘I don’t fit into either category, so I don’t care what you call me’.

 **Waffle Iron:** That feels pretty accurate I think?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Best advice I can give is just go with what feels good and figure out the details as you go.

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess. Thanks for not, you know, telling me to fuck off.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I owed you a favor. Now, your ten minutes of me not being a dick is about to run out, so anything else you want advice on?

 **Waffle Iron:** How to drag you into friendship when that ten minutes are up?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You’re starting to sound like an episode of My Little Pony.

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, I mean, they also have a habit of making friends out of people they fight with so…

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I'll think about it. 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, anyone who noticed my icon should've seen this coming.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad so many people liked last chapter!!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Netflix And Kill:** I have made a Mistake™

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Well, now we know you’re fitting in here. You’ve mastered the art of Ominous Messages.

 **Pantastic:** I know I’ll regret asking, but what happened?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I thought of a way to get Ed and Envy to bond?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh no….

 **Wrench Wench:** I feel the fear creeping in.

 **Netflix And Kill:** There’s a thing I’m not allowed to talk about, but it involves buying some new clothes. And turns out the two of them have a decent middle ground when it comes to their fashion taste.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Please tell me that by ‘decent’ you mean ‘decent for the rest of us to look at’?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Not a complete disaster, but still a little dorky. You'd think the Hot Topic fashion would be the overlap, but it's where they argue the most, so I've already banned them from there. 

 **Wrench Wench:** Thank fuck for that.

 **Pantastic:** Oh no. Ed’s reading this.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fuckers

 **Waffle Iron:** My outfit choices aren’t that bad.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You dress like an anime protagonist.

 **Waffle Iron:** Have you seen my life? I am a fucking anime protagonist!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** He has a point.

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s not… I mean…

 **Pantastic:** [Iguess.png](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/365/753/94c.jpg)

 **More Like A Nonja:** general anime protagonist or do you have a specific genre look?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Magical Girl

 **Waffle Iron:** In the name of the Moon, I’ll kick your ass!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Wait, I just remembered something.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You said you couldn’t hang out today because you promised to do something with Al.

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s around somewhere.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m assuming he wandered off again?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yep.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay, you two decided to go shopping. Why not say that and/or invite me?

 **Waffle Iron:** Uh… There’s a handful of reasons I can’t explain yet?

 **Wrench Wench:** So, what are you planning that needs a shopping spree?

 **Waffle Iron:** I also can’t explain that yet.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay, this is starting to get out of hand, so I’m just going to go ahead and answer most of those questions before this becomes A Thing™

 **Netflix And Kill:** You sure that’s okay?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He’s good.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Only thing here is that I will immediately be putting this chat on mute for a few hours because the resulting avalanche of ‘dings’ will ruin the dinner date.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And on that bombshell, goodnight everybody!

 **Wrench Wench:** Excuse me!?

 **Pantastic:** Get your asses back here!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You can’t just say something like that and refuse to answer!

 **Pantastic:** Okay, he’s muted us. Ed! You knew something about this!

 **Waffle Iron:** Somehow, Al’s the romantic disaster of the two of us.

 **Wrench Wench:** And you didn’t tell us?

 **Waffle Iron:** He asked me not to! Sibling bond wins out over my need to gossip.

 **Waffle Iron:** Lust and Lan Fan knew too!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Just throw us under the bus…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Okay, I can understand Lust knowing because sibling bond, but why’d you tell Lan Fan??

 **More Like A Nonja:** I was the only one to notice Al and Greed sneaking off during the group hangout last week.

 **Pantastic:** When the hell did that happen??

 **More Like A Nonja:** Mario Party. They knew you’d be too focused on fighting each other to notice them sneaking off. Honestly, after that dick move Mei pulled in Pyramid Park, they probably could've been full-on making out on the couch and you guys wouldn't have noticed. 

 **Waffle Iron:** We all know that the real reason the Gamecube has a handle is to pick that fucker up and beat the hell out of whoever stole your stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the second time I've written a fic involving Mario Party and fighting people with a Gamecube. Last time it was slightly more literal though. Slightly. 
> 
> Also HOLY FUCK THIS IS CHAPTER 40?!?!


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring blatant self-promotion #2
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch

Direct Message ( **@Ding Dong Bitch** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** Are you mad at me?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m… trying not to be.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I mean, I get it. You were covering for your brother. I absolutely get it.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** It’s just that you seemed to be thinking about something the last few days and then suddenly you get caught lying about why you couldn’t spend time with me and it freaked me out.

 **Waffle Iron:** I know. I’m sorry.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And I still don't know why I'm not allowed to know what you’re going shopping for?

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s… complicated.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Is it something you aren’t allowed to talk about?

 **Waffle Iron:** No, it’s just… Okay, you’re right. There’s a few things I’ve been thinking over. The one has nothing to do with you. The other thing does, but in a good way?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Why would it be something to think over if it was good?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll talk about that in a minute. I want to get through the other one first. It’s a bit easier.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay. I just

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You’re freaking me out here.

 **Waffle Iron:** I realize that, and I know what you’re thinking about, but I promise I love you and this is fine, okay?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay.

 **Waffle Iron:** The shopping thing is relevant to what I bought so, uh, here’ s a picture of outfit #1:

 **Waffle Iron:** [Howdoilook.png](https://cornerverse.tumblr.com/post/181596846889/to-celebrate-the-end-of-2018-have-ed-in-a-skirt)

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Are you wearing a skirt?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. That’s kinda… the point.

 **Waffle Iron:** I had a conversation with Lust that led to some gender questioning, and she suggested I talk to Envy to help figure it out, and overall I decided ‘fuck it, I like this, let’s buy some shit!’, which led to the shopping trip.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** oh.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I get why you didn’t tell us then.

 **Waffle Iron:** I didn’t think anyone would have a problem with it. I mean, hey, you’re the one who started this whole mess with your choices for Halloween costumes.

 **Waffle Iron:** I just wanted to test it out (mostly) on my own first.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So, uh, what is the verdict on said testing?

 **Waffle Iron:** Overall gender is just an unsure noise and non-commital hand gestures. Pronouns and such don’t really need to be changed, but I definitely like the skirts.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And the other thing you were thinking about?

 **Waffle Iron:** Right. That was… it was the same conversation. We were joking about Al and Greed getting together and how if the relationship worked out really well, we’d get the strangest family Christmas. It kicked off a different existential crisis.

 **Waffle Iron:** I started thinking about the future. Which is already so goddamn surreal because for so long I never really thought there would be a future for me at all. But this was specifically about our future, where our relationship would potentially go. And I… it’s weird.

 **Waffle Iron:** Because obviously I love you and I want to stay with you, but the idea of a future where we’re, like, married or something is just so surreal.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Now that you mentioned, I kinda feel that creeping up on me.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, that’s how it’s going.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think it’s probably because we’re not ready for that step. I mean, obviously. We’re still teenagers and in school and all.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, any kind of ‘getting married’ is a dumb decision at this point. Even if we wanted to make that dumb decision, we can’t legally do that.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And that’s kind of the point. Right now it’s wild and strange and weird. But a few years from now when we’re, you know, adults and moved out and have some sort of stable jobs. Maybe it’ll feel different.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think this is the one time you’re telling me ‘we don’t have to work this out now, let’s put it off’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Basically.

 **Waffle Iron:** Thanks for being all, you know, reassuring and stuff.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Thanks for not getting upset and defensive when I was being paranoid.

 **Waffle Iron:** Hey, you’re allowed to get freaked out if I do something shady.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I know. I just feel bad because I know you wouldn’t actually be horrible.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m plenty horrible. Just not that kind.

 **Waffle Iron:** Quick question, do you think Roy and Riza would murder me if I gave in to my impulses and got my ears pierced? I mean, if they do I could just take them out and let my ears heal up, but still.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Are you actually asking or did you already do it?

 **Waffle Iron:** I have some self-control.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I say go for it as long as you go to an actual piercing shop and not, like, Claires.

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh hell yeah. Do not want to deal with that fuckin piercing gun.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Want me to be there to hold your hand for the pain?

 **Waffle Iron:** Ling, Sweetheart, I get what you’re going for, but I lost an entire leg. My pain tolerance is wild.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I haven't posted anything since last year!
> 
> Jokes aside, my New Years resolution is to get around to posting my other, more serious, fics. I need to think of titles for some of them though(Can I have a serious fic with a dog pun for a title or...?)


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not only do I continue to roast myself, but somehow in this chapter I became a suspect. 
> 
> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice

**Hacker Voice:** Who wants to know the worst part of my job?

 **Bread:** Will I regret this?

 **Denim:** Go for it.

 **Hacker Voice:** Looking through suspect/victim’s laptops.

 **Hacker Voice:** While I don’t think someone would write out their murder plan and hide it in their fanfic, I still have to go through it and make sure there isn’t anything in there. ALL OF IT.

 **Gun:** Oh. I can only imagine.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Look on the bright side: at least you don’t have to face the suspect after reading that.

 **Denim:** Your poor, innocent, eyes. Talk about ‘galloping abs’.

 **Hacker Voice:** Really, someone’s poorly written smut fic is the least of the problems here.

 **Knife Emoji:** Now there’s a sentence.

 **Bread:** What could be worse than being forced to read someone’s poorly written smut fic at work?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Being forced to read someone’s well-written smut fic at work?

 **Hacker Voice:** Yeah, but it’s also when it’s so well-written that I have to try to not get invested in the story

 **Hacker Voice:** Like, here I am, trying to just look for a murder plot, and suddenly I’m like “Oh wow! I really hope that Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer enjoy their time at the Prom!”

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I think I get it, because that sentence alone raises questions. I’m 90% sure those are my little pony characters. Do magic ponies go to prom?

 **Knife Emoji:** If the Magic Ponies have a portal to another dimension where they can go to high school, then yes. Yes they do.

 **Hacker Voice:** That was oddly specific to what happened in the fic and now I am concerned.

 **Gun:** Did you read the fic somewhere?

 **Knife Emoji** : Actually it’s Canon.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** What??

 **Knife Emoji:** Basically imagine if someone wrote a High School AU of the series. Then imagine the main character from the Canon series found a magic portal into that fanfic and has weird adventures involving everything else that falls through the portal. That’s 4/5 of the movies.

 **Bread:** And you know this how? I mean, I heard the series got a lot of grown adults into it, and like most fandoms it went nuts and became known as a trash fire, but I didn’t think anyone here had watched it.

 **Knife Emoji:** You do realize I have a daughter? And I’d rather watch that than the usual little kid cartoons. At least this one doesn’t have the characters ask the audience a question and stare blankly into the camera for far too long.

 **Gun:** What? You have a daughter? I had no idea!

 **Knife Emoji:** Perhaps I should remind you! I have quite a few new pictures!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** We’ll take your word for it.

 **Hacker Voice:** Honestly, I have half a mind to look up the show myself because some of these fics seem to be ‘fix-it fics’ and I’m somewhat intrigued to know the context of what they’re fixing. I doubt the actual show has as many swear words though.

 **Knife Emoji:** Be warned, there are songs in the show, and they are catchy as hell. The fan songs are even more catchy.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I have two questions.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** 1\. what do you mean ‘fix-it fic’? Usually that’s reserved for something like an ‘everyone lives AU’, which makes me wonder if any of these pastel unicorns have died? 2. Fan songs???

 **Denim:** I can vouch for the catchiness of the fan songs.

 **Bread:** You admitting to watching it?

 **Denim:** Slightly. Ex-girlfriend was into it. Watched a handful of episodes with her, and I can see why people got into it. And of course every fandom has songs they make. Actually, I bet you’ve all heard the catchiest one without knowing it. And I can get it stuck in your head with one word:

 **Denim:** DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** That’s a mlp fansong???

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Also, you were right, that’s stuck in my head now and I hate you.

 **Knife Emoji:** I was trying to remember if any characters died and uh, mostly not on-screen or acknowledged?

 **Gun:** Um????

 **Knife Emoji:** Look, when you’re blasting magic friendship lasers at things, sometimes it’s just going to obliterate your enemies. 

 **Gun:** Does the Care Bear Stare also have a kill count?

 **Bread:** Absolutely. Never trusted those bears.

 **Denim:** So, Furey, how’s the reading going? Are the ponies still having fun at prom or have they been arrested for rainbow laser homicide?

 **Hacker Voice:** Please. It’s Prom. I’m fourteen pages in and they just got past an actual entire fashion show of their dresses and families taking pictures with their dates. There was one page of mystery plot from either the show or another fic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I find drawings of said dresses in the ‘art’ folder on here.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ugh. I just flashbacked to high school with that.

 **Knife Emoji:** Same.

 **Gun:** Oh. Here comes the ‘oh god everything happens so quickly’ crisis again.

 **Bread:** I know I’ll regret this, but why?

 **Gun:** I was going to make a joke about how ridiculous a certain someone already is when it comes to taking pictures….

 **Knife Emoji:** I have no defense, and I make no promises when it comes to ‘please don’t send us an entire photo album’. Thankfully that is very far off.

 **Gun:** Know what isn’t nearly as far off?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Don’t say it. I know what you’re going to say, but please don’t say it.

 **Gun:** Next year Ed and Al can go to junior prom.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You had to say the thing.

 **Hacker Voice:** To distract you from that, I have a question:

 **Hacker Voice:** If I’m going through a murder victim’s laptop and find their fanfic, what are the legal technicalities around me going into their account and making a post saying ‘Hey guys, this is the cops. This user is totally dead and will no longer be updating. Sorry.’?

 **Denim:** You’d probably get in trouble, but it’s absolutely the right thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like how the teens were having actual sort of mature conversations, and the grown ass adults are discussing mlp fanfics.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to this!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Lust: Netflix and Kill  
> Greed: Ask Me Nicely  
> Envy: Gender Is An Illusion
> 
> When characters send images/links I'll link something. However, there's a 50/50 on the link leading to a relevant image or leading to a joke.

**Wrench Wench:** You people have ruined words for me

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How?

 **Wrench Wench:** Sometimes, you hear a word used in certain context, and now any time you think of the word, it’s Different™

 **Ask Me Nicely:** This has to do with certain codenames, doesn’t it?

 **Wrench Wench:** Fucking hell!

 **Wrench Wench:** I’m trying to read a fic and they use the phrase ‘He was so overcome with lust’ and it absolutely killed the mood.

 **Pantastic:** Wow. That feels like a punch in the face.

 **Pantastic:** Also, send me whichever fic it was.

 **Netflix And Kill:** On one hand, sorry. On the other hand, welcome to my life!

 **Waffle Iron:** It could be worse…

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed, if you say the thing I think you’re going to say…

 **Waffle Iron:** I have already locked the door so you can’t stop me!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What could be worse than killing the fanfic mood?

 **Waffle Iron:** We were eavesdropping on some classmates, so I don’t know the context, but one of them used the phrase ‘filled with greed’.

 **Waffle Iron:** I couldn’t even attempt to explain to anyone what was so funny since I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe while Al kept smacking me with his notebook.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I apologize for nothing!

 **Wrench Wench:** Okay, that one’s beautiful. But the rest?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Hey, we didn’t pick out the codenames.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You did decide to keep them though.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** We got used to them real quick.

 **Netflix And Kill:** And we know the rest of the crew by their codenames better than their actual names.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I actually forgot Envy’s ‘real name’ for a while.

 **Waffle Iron:** Speaking of which, I completely to do this the other day.

  


**Waffle Iron** added @ **Gender Is An Illusion** to **Shenanigan and a Half**

  


**Gender Is An Illusion:** Who, what, where, when, why, and how the fuck.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’ll send you a rundown on who’s who

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I barely agreed to get dragged into two new friendships, not an entire group!

 **Waffle Iron:** I assumed you’d be used to getting dragged into a large group of jackasses by now.

 **Wrench Wench:** He has a point.

 **Pantastic:** Don’t suppose we’re doing the same thing as last time and doing a ‘let’s get to know the new friend sleepover’?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** As much as I would like to say yes, last week got a little nuts.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, Mario Party induced near-murder and sneaky makeout sessions. As if that’s the wildsdhfkd,nb vczxbz

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You okay there?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s fine :)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He just forgot that I know how to unlock the doors.

 **Wrench Wench:** Rest in fucking pieces.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m alive but not for long because Al is heavier than he looks

 **More Like A Nonja:** So are you

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah but I can blame most of that on the leg

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So, since group hangout has been nerfed to ‘we must be in public somewhere’, who wants to offer ideas on places to go?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think we’re too large of a group for the normal hangout spots. I think a group of ten is too much for the mall or whatever.

 **Pantastic:** Yeah, we need somewhere bigger. The local park is good, but boring.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** There’s that park with the big fucking playground that you can parkour through!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Problem is, we have ten teenagers that will probably bother the small children.

 **Wrench Wench:** Go at night when small children are asleep?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Then some little old lady is going to call the cops on these ‘rapscallions’ who are ‘vandalizing’ the park.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I’ve spent enough time interacting with the law to last a lifetime thanks.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** There’s that arcade place? There’s games, minigolf, and lasertag.

 **Pantastic:** But that requires money…

 **Waffle Iron:** Just because you spent all your money making Winry get you claw machine prizes doesn’t mean the rest of us are broke.

 **Wrench Wench:** You know, we do have enough people for two lasertag teams, so I say we do a full versus battle.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** In that case we should decide teams before we get there. The guy running the counter always defaults to gendered teams.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yikes.

 **Waffle Iron:** I see it as a good challenge. I’m pretty sure Envy and I could take on the rest of you at once.

 **Netflix And Kill:** No. You can’t. Envy has the worst aim.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That’s probably the only thing I’m bad at.

 **Wrench Wench:** Um, hey, Ed, you got something you’d like to share there??

 **Pantastic:** I swear if you’re dropping another surprise on us…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Of course he is.

 **Waffle Iron:** Remember that secretive shopping trip? Here’s an outfit from it.

 **Waffle Iron:** [howdoilook2.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/218dc0a45f3fbfa98fdee29485b0b1a3/tumblr_inline_p78pi7gSL61r9gief_500.png)

 **Wrench Wench:** You actually look pretty in that?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** [hearteyesmotherfucker.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/700a990a0ab064613678e4ad2332e0f1/tenor.gif?itemid=4115469)

 **Pantastic:** Okay! Al, just know that if you pop in two months from now to do the same thing then I will murder you!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I hadn’t even been thinking about attempting some gender questioning but now I am so thanks.

 **Pantastic:** You are on thin fucking ice!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Well, if you need someone to tell you if you look good in a skirt, then I humbly volunteer.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Or you could join the club and wear a skirt too,

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I’ve seen Greed in a skirt and it’s never a good thing.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Look that bad?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** More like ‘if Greed’s in a skirt it means he and Lust switched places and it confuses all of us’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Just give away our entire playbook.

 **Wrench Wench:** At this point, I think next Halloween we should go as a group of Disney Princesses.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Fuck you I’m not going to be Mulan

 **Ding Dong Bitch:**   Usually I'd feel the same, but I will be Mulan if only for the joke of ‘she spent most of the movie dressed as a guy, and I’m spending the night dressed as a girl’

 **Waffle Iron:** I know I will get absolutely murdered for pointing this out, but of course Al has to be Aurora. But will you go for the pink dress or the blue?

 **Wrench Wench:** I was hoping someone would make that joke and also rest in fucking pieces.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Don’t worry, he will :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot twist: this entire fanfic was just a really long and convoluted way for me to make a joke about the "Envy Has Shit Aim AU". 
> 
> Also the beginning part is absolutely self-projection. I can't hear the Seven Deadly Sins or even just the words in the correct context without my brain shouting 'Fullmetal Alchemist!'(and then again, in a different tone 'Fullmetal Alchemist')
> 
> Fun Fact about the Heart Eyes Mother Fucker gif: I did not know the source of that meme was Dexter. I started watching the show and got to the scene with the 'Surprise Mother Fucker!' and just lost it laughing for a good solid too long.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's short, but I have a few planned so, uh, yeah!
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ding Dong Bitch-Ling  
> Ask Me Nicely-Greed

Direct Message (@ **Ding Dong Bitch** )

  


**Ask Me Nicely:** Quick question!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sure?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** When you and Ed started dating, how bad was the ‘shovel talk’ from the rest of the family?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Want to be prepared for what you’re in for with Al?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah…

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Good luck.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s not helpful.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I mean, as long as you’re not planning on being a total fuck, you’ll be fine. But everyone they’re related to is goddamn terrifying.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You have two cops, a retired cop turned high school principal, and I have no clue on Madame Christmas’s past, but I doubt it was anywhere near innocent.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Not to mention The Cryptid himself. I’ve already seen the lengths he’ll go to to keep his boys safe.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Again, not helping.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Although, tbh, I think out of all of them Al was the most terrifying.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Really?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** The guy’s sweet, but if I did hurt Ed he would not hesitate to kill me. Which, yeah, that’s kind of standard for the rest of them. But he’s the ‘innocent’ one.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That… makes too much sense.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Do they have any family members who aren’t terrifying??

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** From what I’ve heard about their mom, I think she wouldn’t have been terrifying. I’ll never know for sure because I obviously can’t meet her, but still.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Then again, I have a feeling she’d be in the same category as Al.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Very soft and kind but will kill anyone who hurts someone close to her?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yep.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** In that case if I fuck this up I'll get murdered twice. Fun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I do have a scene written involving Trisha being 110% ready to stab a bitch with gardening tools.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point the self-projection is getting ridiculous. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill  
> Envy-Gender Is An Illusion

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Hey, so, has anyone heard from Ed today because I haven’t since last night and I’m concerned.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** No, but has he responded to any sent texts?

 **Wrench Wench:** I sent a message earlier and he responded, but it was a quick laugh response to a funny image so who knows.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s fine.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You sure?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. I just heard him shout ‘get back here you fishy fuck!’ with the exact level of anger that tells me he’s playing Majora’s Mask again.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Wait, he said he was starting Ocarina of Time yesterday?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, he finished that.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hold the fuck up

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He started Ocarina of Time yesterday, and he’s not only already beat it and gone to Majora’s Mask, but he’s already fighting Gyorg???

 **Pantastic:** You can tell what boss he’s fighting by the game title and ‘fishy fuck’?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Gyorg is a little bitch so it’s memorable.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He’s in The Zone™.

 **Pantastic:** I can see he’s reading this so I guess he beat it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. When I get in The Zone™ I can take a weekend and 100% both Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask from memory.

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, more like 99% Ocarina of Time because fuck getting all the gold skulltulas. I did it once for bragging rights but you don’t really need to get more than 50.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Dude…

 **Waffle Iron:** Also, Ling, that’s why I didn’t message you yet. The Zone™ usually includes not really thinking about sending messages or giving much of a reply.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You sure you’re okay?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not mad about the thing if that’s what you’re asking. I mean, I was last night because I was being serious but now I get why it was funny so its like eh?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** At least that’s good.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What was it he was mad about? :)

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yikes

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Ling, you might just want to change your name and leave the country.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh. That’s what you meant when you said Al’s the terrifying one.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Usually I’d answer that question but it’s a subject deemed nsfa

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** was that a typo for ‘nsfw’? Because I think this chat is far beyond that.

 **Waffle Iron:** He means specifically ‘not safe for Al’

 **Netflix And Kill:** Let me guess: you asked to top and he laughed in your face?

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, kinda?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I was joking but damn.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** While I did not need to hear that part, dude…

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I also didn’t need to hear that.

 **Wrench Wench:** To be fair, I probably would’ve laughed a little bit.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** In my defense, it was less because he said it and more because he said it in the exact same voice inflection as

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** [Icansing.gif](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/77/bc/c1/77bcc1cb6ec6585ec117b49e29cd9b3b.gif)

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That’s fucking beautiful!!

 **Waffle Iron:** Again, I was mad in the moment because I was being serious but now I can laugh at it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Also if I don’t answer, it’s because I’m focusing on the game. I want to finish off the Great Bay area before resetting time because good fucking fuck I do not want to deal with Gyorg again.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You are so fucking Valid, but I’m terrified of your skill.

 **More Like A Nonja:** [RelevantImage.png](https://i.redd.it/q1flvcud3l901.jpg)

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, I’m the Hero of Time rn so I fucking guess?

 **Waffle Iron:** Also, I wouldn’t call it ‘skill’. Sure, I managed to beat the Water Temple boss in literally 5 seconds, but I did manage to do this bullshittery:

**Waffle Iron:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9p3XrUaP84>**

**Wrench Wench:** I think that describes your life. You manage to do ridiculous fantastic skill shots, but then some weird glitch happens.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Is it weird that we’re used to it?

 **Netflix And Kill:** It’s weird that the rest of us are used to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, anyone else see that Steven Universe episode? Because I did and I am still screaming!!! Actually, there was a few seconds where I thought it was going to go FMA on us...  
> Also, If I take a really long time to update this fic, it's because I'm doing fanart of that.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vague spoilers but not for anything from later than 2007. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill  
> Envy-Gender Is An Illusion

**Waffle Iron:** Why do random people assume I listen to MCR?

 **Wrench Wench:** Who wants to break it to him?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I do! It’s your outfit choice!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Definitely the outfit choice.

 **Waffle Iron:** While I can admit to spending some time at Hot Topic, I don’t think that’s bad enough to warrant multiple arguments resulting in some variant of ‘go listen to MCR and cry about it!’.

 **Ding Ding Bitch:** Did someone actually say that?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Argument in class. Ed was technically in the right but he was kind of a jerk about it.

 **Waffle Iron:** I tried being nice, but she responded by telling me to go suck a dick. I just said ‘leave my weekend plans out of this’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Perfect.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** the real question is, were they right about you crying to MCR?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not really. I like them well enough, but it’s not my ‘thing’. Besides, I’m definitely not a ‘crying to music person’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You cry every time you listen to the Super Paper Mario soundtrack.

 **Waffle Iron:** That doesn’t count!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** the soundtrack to a Mario game makes you cry?

 **Waffle Iron:** That game is a trap! It lures you in with innocent fun and ‘oh look at this cute little rainbow butterfly companion!’

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s a lie! That rainbow butterfly will destroy your heart with emotions!

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Oh, so it’s like when Lust reads Magic Knight Rayearth.

 **Netflix And Kill:** That was fucking tragic and you know it!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I guess we’ve all been tricked by the ‘looks fun and innocent but will give you emotions’ thing.

 **Wrench Wench:** What’d you get tricked by?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Honestly? Chobits.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh hey, another CLAMP title.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I thought it would be a bunch of light-hearted stuff with cute robot girls and a decent amount of T &A, but I got an existential crisis of ‘what makes something Human’?

 **Pantastic:** Well, to get back to the original conversation, maybe people think you listen to MCR because you radiate Teen Angst™

 **Waffle Iron:** Considering my life I think I’m allowed to have a bit of Teen Angst™

 **Waffle Iron:** Especially since it’s less ‘generic teen angst’ and more a multi-hit combo of depression, anxiety, ptsd, abandonment issues and who the hell knows what else?

 **Pantastic:** I feel like I could have worded my last message better so sorry?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You okay there?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. I’m just saying that if that’s what they’re picking up on and trying to make fun of, then it’s the biggest dick of a move.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Are you actually okay or are you doing the thing again?

 **Waffle Iron:** Actually okay.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** He already went down the hall to check on you didn’t he?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yep.

 **Waffle Iron:** Seriously though, now that I have sort of an answer on the MCR thing, I have one other question

 **Wrench Wench:** Is this question likely to get you insulted and/or send you into a crisis? Because I suggest don’t.

 **Waffle Iron:** Nah. I was just going to ask if I should go full Ms. Frizzle and wear the relevant science-y themed outfits for my videos?

 **More Like A Nonja:** If you don’t, then I will personally kick your ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually had nothing to do with that SU episode. I swear I wrote it a few days beforehand. 
> 
> Speaking of Spoilers, what do y'all feel is a standard amount of time to wait before discussing something without a spoiler warning? Personally, I stopped caring about getting spoiled for shows back on August 1, 2009. But usually I'll wait a while for other people depending on how popular something is/where I'm talking.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to give me money to buy a bunch of phone charms?
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill  
> Envy-Gender Is An Illusion

**Waffle Iron:** Well. Riza knows about the whole ‘what is a gender?’ thing. Even if she doesn’t say something I have a feeling everyone else will know later so there goes that.

 **Wrench Wench:** I thought you would’ve already told them since you’ve worn a few of those outfits

 **Waffle Iron:** I wanted to keep it low-key for a little longer. I mean, at least this time I knew they’d be okay with it, but still.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Let me guess: she found out because it was time to do laundry?

 **Waffle Iron:** I do my own laundry, thanks.

 **Pantastic:** You know how to do laundry?

 **Waffle Iron:** Why is this surprising??

 **Netflix And Kill:** To be fair, most teenage boys don’t know how to do laundry.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I am also aware about how to do laundry?

 **Gender Is An Illusion** : That’s not as surprising.

 **Pantastic:** Yeah, comparatively I would’ve expected Ed to be the disaster when it comes to basic skills like laundry and cooking.

 **Wrench Wench:** Paninya, I love you, but you can’t say anything about cooking skills after your attempt at macaroni.

 **Wrench Wench:** [butter.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/342d7efa818924041fc7e192f970a77c/tumblr_inline_p7g8u2YFnT1spt2o4_1280.jpg)

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Yikes.

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, at least I can actually cook!

 **More Like A Nonja:** Do you qualify ‘doing laundry’ as ‘tossing everything in and adding soap’ or do you actually sort them?

 **Waffle Iron:** I know how to sort them, but I can usually toss everything in at once since I don’t have many for the ‘whites’ and ‘delicates’ piles.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Speaking of your ‘delicates’, since it wasn’t the laundry that gave you away, how’d she find out?

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh. She finally noticed the earrings and I ended up explaining the whole thing.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** The what now??

 **Wrench Wench:** Wait a fuck, you got earrings and didn’t tell me??

 **Waffle Iron:** I thought they were obvious?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Your hair kind of hides them. I only saw them because I was looking for it.

 **Netflix And Kill:** He did it back during our shopping spree.

 **Wrench Wench:** You didn’t go to Claire’s, right?

 **Waffle Iron:** The only way I will go to that shop is if I am fighting Claire herself.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know, since it was just the earrings you didn’t have to tell Riza about everything else. Plenty of guys get earrings.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, but once I started talking it all kinda came out. While I waned to be low-key for a while longer, this was a good opportunity to bring it up. 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** At least it was a bit more chill of a coming out than last time…

 **Wrench Wench:** You know, now that I think about it, did Al ever tell the rest of the family that he’s not straight either?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I don’t think I ever specified on exact labels or anything, but considering they know about Greed, then if they don’t know by now….

 **Wrench Wench:** That’s fair.

 **Pantastic:** I bet that went over well.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They were confused and mildly concerned but overall happy for me?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Speaking of, hey Greed how’d the various ‘shovel talk’ conversations go?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You know exactly how it fucking went

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jokes about wanting phone charms aside, I do have a question! I mentioned that I'm writing more serious fics for this fandom, and I want a vote on which I should post first:
> 
> We have two in the jokingly named 'Envy Has Shit Aim AU', with several characters getting to live and some non-canon ships. One is Nina-centric, and the other picks up on the Team Greed Camping Trip.  
> The other fic is also canon-divergent. Mustang meets Ed and Al a little earlier and in an attempt to keep them from trying to bring their mom back, he adopts them to keep an eye on them. But their new neighbor 'Solaris' has some other ideas.
> 
> I ended up making a strawpoll for it so here you go https://strawpoll.com/c16a6zh8


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all could vote on which serious fic to post first that'd be fantastic: https://strawpoll.com/c16a6zh8
> 
> Usernames:  
> Totally Not A Furry- Al  
> Ask Me Nicely - Greed

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

 

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So, I know you explained your issue with cars, but how bad is it overall?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** If you’re planning a surprise roadtrip then definitely not.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** nevermind

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Were you actually planning a surprise roadtrip?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** No. I just had a dumb idea.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Come on, you can tell me.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I was just thinking about the other day, you complained that we don’t get much time alone.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It wasn’t complaining…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Either way you had a point. Any time we’re together is either a group hangout, or a date in somewhere public.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. And slipping off to another room during a hangout feels kind of rude to do all the time. Not to mention no matter what we end up doing, we always get jokes about it when we come back.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Even if we just spend the whole time talking about things, we always get everyone going all OwO and  >:3c about it. Which I get it, I'd do the same thing, but I’d like to do it without that.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s why I was asking about your car issues. I thought about pulling the classic ‘drive up to makeout point’ trope. Don’t know many scenic cliffs, but driving and parking somewhere is a bit more private.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** it’s… not a bad idea.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** But it’s probably a bit much, right?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. I mean, given time I could get used to someone driving me places. I’ve had to get used to Roy and Riza driving if it’s too far to walk. But even with them I’m still pretty on-edge the whole time, so it’s not the best.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I should really work on it.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’m not sure that’s something you can really ‘work on’.

 **Totally Not A Furry** : It’s the kind of thing where ‘exposure therapy’ is the only solution.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed started working on it. Last he mentioned it he’d managed to get to sitting in the driver’s seat and turning the car on without a breakdown. I’ve been thinking on it since then.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Is it something you actually want to do, or is it something you think you want to do?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What do you mean?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I don’t want to push you into it. And you shouldn’t go ‘oh since Ed’s doing this I should think about doing it too’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m not?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I mean… guess I’ve done that a few times lately. See Ed going through something and start my own journey. It doesn’t help that I was thinking about doing it again.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Gender thing?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. Been going over that the last few days.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But it’s like, it’s not like I’m trying to imitate him. It’s just that something comes up that I never thought about, and I start thinking about it. And even if the end result is similar, I came to the decision myself.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You don’t really think I’m copying him, do you?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s not what I meant. I get that it’s how it goes. You’re both going through a lot of the same things, especially because you’ve been through a lot of the same things. But you’re you.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I just want to make sure you’re actually ready and want to do that, not just that you see him getting better and think ‘I should be able to do that’. Especially with something like this.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That’s fair. Guess I’ll factor that into the whole ‘deciding to do that or not’.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You okay other than that?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. I think. Thanks for worrying about me.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What, like I’m not going to try and help you out?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. But still. You’re sweet.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yep. I’m the absolute sweetest. I’m just fucking made of sugar.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Made of sugar and always wants to help out friends? Okay Pinkie Pie

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Excuse you I am Sunset goddamn Shimmer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will the day ever come where I don't make an MLP joke? Tune in next time to find out!(the answer is no).   
> (Really though, my headcanons surrounding Greed and Sunset do line up kinda similar so...)


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned the fact that pretty much no one is straight, right? ANyway remember to vote on the thing!
> 
> Usernames:   
> Mustang - Dumb Fucking Horse  
> Hawkeye - Gun  
> Hughes - Knife Emoji  
> Havoc - Denim  
> Breda - Bread  
> Furey - Hacker Voice  
> Expert In Gibberish - Hohenheim

**Denim:** So, you guys can hear Mustang cackling from the interrogation room, right?

 **Bread:** Oh yeah. I’m mildly terrified to ask why.

 **Gun:** I doubt the suspect told a joke that funny.

 **Knife Emoji:** Knowing him, either something very good happened or we’re going to deal with another murder.

 **Gun:** You’d think we’d joke about murder less considering our job but no.

 **Hacker Voice:** come on guys. That interrogation room’s haunted enough already. Don’t put another ghost in there.

 **Bread:** Haunted?

 **Hacker Voice:** Haven’t you noticed? I’ve had so many technical issues in there the last few months, no matter what I fix or even replace, something still goes sideways.

 **Bread:** You don’t actually think it’s haunted because of some tech issues, right?

 **Gun:** You know, I’ve noticed that suspects seem to be more on-edge in that room lately.

 **Knife Emoji:** Now that you mention it, something has been giving me this weird feeling about it. Hey, if some ghost did start bothering us, at least it’s sticking to the room instead of coming home with us.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** The room’s not haunted.

 **Denim:** Oh hey, I’ll take that as meaning ‘you didn’t just make it haunted’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You would’ve been cackling too.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Imagine you’re interrogating a suspect and they say, with total sincerity, “I’m not the murderer! You’re just arresting me because you’re homophobic and you want to make me a scapegoat!”

 **Knife Emoji:** [HA.png](https://i.imgur.com/5SWGzsI.png)

 **Gun:** I assume you clarified?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I think the laughter got the message through.

 **Bread:** This is pretty much the gayest detective team.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’d say second gayest because the gayest is wherever Olivier Armstrong is assigned at the moment.

 **Denim:** On one hand, she fits the ‘woman who could murder me’ thing. On the other hand, she probably would murder me so it’s for the best that I have no chance.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Riza, part of me wants to tell you ‘if you have a chance with her go for it’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** The rest of me knows that if I ever suggest that she will show up and seduce you just to spite me.

 **Gun:** Big Dick Energy.

 **Hacker Voice:** Speaking of energy, while you might not have made a ghost in the interrogation room, I’m not convinced there isn’t some sort of magical stuff going on.

 **Bread:** Okay, I’d like to be more doubtful of the haunting, but I have noticed things seeming to move in there.

 **Denim:** Anyone let in any supernatural creatures in lately? Arrest any grumpy witches? Teenaged half-ghosts? Interdimensional Unicorns wanted for rainbow laser homicide? Fae Creatures of any kind?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** …

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How long has this ‘haunting’ been going on?

 **Knife Emoji:** A few months at least.

 **Gun:** If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking then you’d better not be.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Unfortunately, I have to ask:

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** would you say this started after a certain ‘tall, gold, and mysterious’ someone was in the interrogation room?

 **Hacker Voice:** Yeah, that fits the timeline.

 **Denim:** I knew there was an uptick in blonde hairs I found around the precinct.

 **Bread:** I’ll take your word for it. I’ve been picking up stray blonde hairs for the past five years so I haven’t paid attention.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Give me a minute…

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Expert In Gibberish** )

  


**Dumb Fucking Horse:** What the fuck kind of cryptid are you?!

 **Expert In Gibberish:** What did I do this time?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I know I’m the one who opened with that question, but I expected at least some confusion.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I’ve been getting variants of that question longer than you’ve been alive. And Ed and Al already explained the running joke of ‘the Family Cryptid’.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** One of their friends said hello by going "What is up my Fiskerton Phantom?”

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** So you’re not surprised that ever since you were in the interrogation room, things have happened that convinced the rest of the team it’s mildly haunted?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Weird things happen around me, and I’ve given up trying to figure it out. It’s like trying to figure out magnetic fields. No matter what you try, inevitably you end up shouting ‘fuck you, I don’t know!’

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Maybe it is a magnetic field. Furey said the tech in the room isn’t working right, so maybe it is some sort of EMP effect.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Still doesn’t explain why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to hear something really weird I realized? Due to the fact that everything is relatively 'normal' in this AU, Hohenheim is simultaneously younger and older than he is in Canon.   
> Obviously he's younger due to this version not being Immortal, so he's only around 45 instead of 450. However, due to my usual rules surrounding Immortal Characters, he was essentially 'stuck in time' at the age he was when that happened, which I headcanon to have been around 30-ish.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the closest thing to figuring out an actual timeline in this fic. As in 'how many months have passed between chapters'. 
> 
> Usernames:  
> Ed-Waffle Iron  
> Al-Totally Not A Furry  
> Winry-Wrench Wench  
> Paninya-Pantastic  
> Ling-Ding Dong Bitch  
> Mei-Princess Powerhouse  
> Lan Fan-More Like A Nonja  
> Greed-Ask Me Nicely  
> Lust-Netflix And Kill  
> Envy-Gender Is An Illusion

**Ask Me Nicely:** Can someone check on Al?

 **Pantastic:** What’s up with him?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** We’ve been texting but his messages have been getting very ramble-y and a lot of misspelled words.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** im fine jusr tieed

 **Princess Powerhouse:** ??????

 **Wrench Wench:** Exam Season

 **More Like A Nonja:** Oh fuck I totally forgot about that.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Fuck. Okay, I’ll get the rope.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Again, WHAT??

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m trying to do the math of Ling tying up Al but that’s just not working right now.

 **Pantastic:** He gets to tie Ed up to, but either way it’s not gonna be as fun as you think.

 **Waffle Iron:** irs plenty of funn!@ But aslo dont bcause I need to do thinds

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Actually, if Greed wants to help that’d be nice.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** As much as I would love to tie them up, why the fuck????

 **Wrench Wench:** Long story short: Ed and Al are fucking nerds taking every high-level science class possible. This means that when it comes to Exam Season, they get very out of it because they’re getting no sleep trying to go over notes/finish projects/ect. 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** It’s kinda terrifying.

 **Netflix And Kill:** It can’t be that bad?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Last time I watched Ed pour coffee into an energy drink.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Not only do I have no idea how he managed to pour a cup of coffee into a can, but I have no idea how he drank it. It wasn’t like black coffee into a coffee-flavored energy drink. It was some peppermint mocha fuckery in the original Monster.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I don’t think even Gluttony would eat that…

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Only way to get them to sleep is to physically tie them up.

 **Wrench Wench** : Hey Al, you ‘feeling science’ again?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** electric asnd tingly and part of thei void

 **Totally Not A Furry:** also I know Panini’s gonna kill me but gender is fake

 **Pantastic:** Damn it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** At first it was like ‘yeah i’d be a guy even if you tossed me in a demale body’, then I was like ‘wellmaybe i’d be a girl becausw I wouldve thought of myslef as a girl’ and thin I was like ‘but what if I dodnt hae a body?’ were all Souls flaring aound piloting these vesseld that feel things and gender is fake as hell

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah he’s been typing like that for the last hour or so.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Now I’m seeing why tying them up is a good idea.

 **Waffle Iron:** if ou gotta tie me up can you atl east put me in a diffetent room? Is gonna get wkward

 **Totally Not A Furry:** goof planning

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** It’s not gonna be awkward because it’s non-sexy tying you up.

 **Waffle Iron:** pavlov

 **Totally Not A Furry:** pseaking of dogs do you thinj that we couls submit the dogtreat video as a projects

 **Gender Is An Illusion** : I would pay you to do that oh my fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, HOLY FUCK CHAPTER 50???
> 
> Secondly, in celebration of that, I actually posted the first of the serious fics! The Price We Choose is now up!
> 
> Thirdly, to apologize for informing them of one of the few things I know about the 03 series, I'm going to tell you to check out Humming-fly on Tumblr if you haven't. If you love shenanigans featuring Ed and Greedling, you'll be satisfied. (also buy the phone charms if you can!)


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Haven't updated this one in a while! That's mostly because of The Price We Choose getting worked on a lot.  
> But have this!

**Ding Dong Bitch:** I am witnessing the strangest goddamn thing

 **Netflix And Kill:** Considering this group, you’re going to have to be more specific

 **Princess Powerhouse:** His mom and my mom are in the same room. And not only has there yet to be a murder, but they’re actually getting along??

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s weird.

 **Waffle Iron:** And I’m saying that as someone who is watching Roy and The Cryptid cook

 **Pantastic:** Can they cook? Or is this a disaster?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They actually seem good at it, but because it's this family, I’m expecting something to blow up. Riza is making sure that doesn’t happen.

 **More Like A Nonja:** That sounds domestic af

 **Netflix And Kill:** Never had the urge to become a housewife, but that mental image makes it sound fun.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That’s not something you say about people you know, that’s something you say about characters you ship.

 **Wrench Wench:** let’s not open that can of worms! How about we ask why Ling and Mei’s moms are in the same room at all???

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ugh.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Ever since they found out that Mei and I are friends they have been very passive-agressive about it

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And by ‘passive-agressive’, he means that they tolerate the friendship, but any time we go to hang out or mention eachother they get all snarky about it.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** And you decided to put them in a room together?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I couldn’t deal with it. Even though they know about the friendship, I’m still scheduling group hangouts for when mom’s not here.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I knew one day she’d say something to Mei directly and all of you would be ready to fight.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Again, you decided to put them in the same room together?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** The plan was to sit them down and say “hey, you two might have your problems, but that does not extend to us so stop being terrible about it”. And maybe in the process get them to see that they were both screwed over and shouldn’t hate each other for it.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Then they got into the wonderful tradition of trashtalking your ex.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** It’s kinda glorious, but I have a feeling we’ll be kicked out soon so they can trashtalk other subjects.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Gross.

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay. I can officially one-up you in the weird department

 **Pantastic:** What happened now???

 **Waffle Iron:** They are bickering about Pokemon.

 **Wrench Wench:** Ah, yes. The only game where you can’t even go to a restaurant without someone wanting to kick your ass.

 **More Like A Nonja:** We live in the days of Pokemon Go. Head over to the local Wafflehouse for an asskicking.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay, but specifically the argument is about how you’re not supposed to chose a Legendary as your favorite.

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, I guess it fits since Legendary Pokemon are kind of like in-universe cryptids. I just wouldn’t have expected him to pick Mew.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Actually, that makes too much sense.

 **Wrench Wench:**  Seems like the apples don’t fall far from the tree though. I mean, we have your whole “we’re both the Avatar and you gotta deal with it!” thing.

 **Pantastic:** Friendly reminder that I still hate both of you for making that bullshit sound believable

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Wait, how the hell do you have two Avatars??

 **Netflix And Kill:** We’ll explain later, but just know it involves a lot of ‘you can’t prove that’s not possible’ fuckery that sounds decently convincing.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh Yikes. Remember what I was saying the other day about ‘shared expressions’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed’s usual ‘you just called me short’ glare looks a lot more intimidating coming from The Cryptid.

 **Waffle Iron:** Can you not bring that up again?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** The man has an actual twin, yet somehow the kid’s the one who ends up resembling him more.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Uh… if he’s getting that angry then shouldn’t someone diffuse the situation?

 **Waffle Iron:** We have diffused the situation but also made everything Awkward™

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** What’d you do??

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ed mentioned his favorite pokemon is Marowak and the dots were connected on why.

 **Wrench Wench:** Of course

 **Waffle Iron:** On the bright side, we found out that mom’s favorite pokemon was Leafeon.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And... we've been officially kicked out for more trashtalk. 

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Quick question: Does anyone in this chat have a normal family???

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’ve been here long enough to know the answer.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder that, while I am unable to play the game due to my shitty laptop, the music from A Hat In Time is fantastic.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pain, massages, and puns, oh my!

**Waffle Iron:** Know what I hate?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** If you want us to guess you gotta narrow down the list

 **Waffle Iron:** Fair. But I was talking about how, despite the fact that my leg is in the fucking void, it still manages to feel pain!

 **Pantastic:** Big fucking mood

 **More Like A Nonja:** So I guess it’s going to rain today?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I figured that when I woke up.

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s another thing!

 **Waffle Iron:** If your injury heals, you shouldn’t have to deal with it!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I can offer a massage?

 **Waffle Iron:** It won’t help the non-existent leg, but I’ll take it.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I feel like this is where Al’s supposed to ask Greed for a massage and it goes

 **Netflix And Kill:** [welldamnjackie.png](https://data.whicdn.com/images/301773890/large.png)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Nah if he asked I’d absolutely give him a massage.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Actually that sounds great right now.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:**  Nope. Absolutely not. You are banned from massages after last time.

 **Wrench Wench:** Last time??? What the hell??

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** It did NOT sound like a massage and I don’t want to have to hear that again.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’s not my fault I’m good at massages.

 **Pantastic:** Well someone’s working toward that cake. Or pie. Or whatever.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Look. It was right after finishing all the exams and stuff. I was tired and it felt good.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re not helping your case here.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Like you don’t do the exact same thing during a massage.

 **Princesses Powerhouse:** Hey, quick question before we go too off the rails and I have to mute the chat: What happens to a limb after it’s amputated?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Like, after they cut of your leg, what did they do with the now-detached leg?

 **Waffle Iron:** … I have no idea. I had other things on the mind back then, but now I’m wondering.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I feel like someone here has to know the answer.

 **Wrench Wench:** So there’s a few answers to this!

 **Pantastic:** Of course you know the answer.

 **Wrench Wench:** Typically the ‘default’ thing to do is dumb the limb in the hazardous waste bin and then it’s taken care of. Usually incinerated.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Could you just, you know, take it home with you? Legally it is your body part.

 **Wrench Wench:** Technically. They would embalm the fuck out of it first, but if you asked beforehand they’ll do it.

 **Wrench Wench:** Also if the limb is in decent condition they might embalm the fuck out of it anyway and use it for teaching med students.

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, I know my leg was not in decent condition so it’s probably 110% gone now.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Are you disappointing by that?

 **Waffle Iron:** On one hand I don’t think I’d want my taxidermy leg hanging around. On the other hand, it’s my leg, you know?

 **Pantastic:** Understandable.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Well, you know what they say about having one foot in the grave

 **Waffle Iron:** Ugh

 **More Like A Nonja:** Why?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Really?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Can you not?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Why do I like you?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Seems like your comedy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

 **Netfllix And Kill:** Fuck off

 **Wrench Wench:** No

 **Pantastic:** [blocked.png](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/ClcHGYgUkAAMk8K.jpg)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Of course we're not free of sin, we have three right here!

 **Waffle Iron:** You're extra blocked 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: If you google 'leg puns', you automatically get fma 'it cost an arm and a leg' jokes.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, trigger warning for discussion of self harm.

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** ):

  


**Waffle Iron:** Are you okay?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, why?

 **Waffle Iron:** You’ve scratched at your leg ten times in the past twenty minutes.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not what you’re thinking.

 **Waffle Iron:** Al you always get on me for not talking about things but that goes both ways.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m not upset about it, I just want to know if it happens again.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay it’s kind of what you’re thinking but not exactly?

 **Waffle Iron:** You want to elaborate?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I told Greed about it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Why? I mean I can guess some of why, but you didn’t even tell me.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m sorry.

 **Waffle Iron:** Don’t apologize for that. I’m not making it a ‘im upset because you told him not me’ thing. But the only reason I know is because I caught it, and you haven’t told anyone else.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. I told him because I knew he’d find out eventually.

 **Waffle Iron:** Huh?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It was a few years ago, but some did leave scars.

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh. Guess I kinda hoped it didn’t.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, well, I knew that it was either tell him before, or he’d notice the scars when we, well, you know.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ah yes. The pie.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. That.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But I wanted to tell him first instead of having him notice then and… I don’t know. At the very least it’s a mood killer. 

 **Waffle Iron:** How’d he handle it?

 **Waffle Iron:** I can see that dumb smile from over here so I’m guessing it’s good?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He told me he loves me. And he’s proud that I was able to stop.

 **Waffle Iron:** At least I don’t have to kick his ass for being a dick.

 **Waffle Iron:** Though between getting to the ‘love word’ and the fact that you’re obviously thinking about it, how’s the pie situation?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Do you really want an answer to that?

 **Waffle Iron:** Not a detailed answer. But some of an update would be nice.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, well, jokes aside I’m still not entirely ready for that yet. This is a step closer, but not yet.

 **Waffle Iron:** And you call me sappy.

 **Totally Not A Furry** : You are sappy.

 **Waffle Iron:** SHUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Half of these chapters get written because I think of a plot point for one of the other fics, then realize it'll be twenty chapters before I write it, so I stick it in here.   
> Also, my friend has convinced me to at least make this to Chapter 69 for obvious reasons.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened.

Direct Message (@ **Netflix And Kill** )

  


**Ask Me Nicely:** Why is Lan Fan eating my cereal?

 **Netflix And Kill:** She was hungry.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Okay, let me rephrase that. Why is she here in the first place? When the hell did she even show up?? Damn ninjas.

 **Netflix And Kill:** You can ask her yourself you know.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I did. She told me to ask you.

 **Netflix And Kill:** How dense are you?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What do you mean?

 **Netflix And Kill:** You know me. Why would I have a pretty girl spend the night?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** So is this a thing or…?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Right now it’s a case of going ‘Hey, you’re pretty, I’m pretty, what do you want to do about this?’.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Still wondering how I didn’t notice she was here until I came into the kitchen.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Also, she just scared the shit out of Envy. Rest in fucking pieces.

 **Netflix And Kill:** See, unlike you and Al, we know how to be quiet :)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** We haven’t even done anything!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Sure. That’s why you’re banned from ‘massages’.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It was actually just a massage. A hell of a good one apparently, but still.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Really?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Is it so hard to believe that I haven’t done anything with him yet?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I mean, sorta. Not in a jackass way, but I kind of expected you to have gotten somewhere.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I don’t care about it?

 **Neflix And Kill:** I know you well enough to know that you definitely care.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I mean, I do but I don’t.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I can come up with all sorts of things I’d like to do with him. But I don’t care if we ever do?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Oh my fuck you’re in love

 **Ask Me Nicely:** And you call me dense

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You’re the one who helped me figure out I actually liked him!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Well, yeah. I just… idk. I didn’t think you’d be quite as head over heels. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you actually in love.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Pretty sure this is the first time I’ve actually been in love.

 **Netflix And Kill:** You know, I want to say something nice and sweet. But honestly I’m struggling not to say ‘looks like Sleeping Beauty did get ‘True Love’s Kiss’!'

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hush.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Though, if your nickname system includes psychic powers, I fear what that means for "Goldilocks". 

 **Ask Me Nicely:** The bears are a metaphor?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oddly enough, back when this originated from a Youtubers AU, it was Greed stealing cereal and scaring the hell out of Ed and Ling.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's finally back?

**Waffle Iron:** So uh. I got up and opened the door. Want to know what greeted me?

 **Wrench Wench:** Several answers went through my mind, and half of them you’d hate me for.

 **Waffle Iron:** I don’t want to know. But the answer is that there’s a handful of flags pinned to the wall and a note that says “we didn’t exactly know which flag you wanted, so we gave you a few options?”

 **Netflix And Kill:** Oh, yeah. I think the local Pride Parade is today.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That reminds me, why haven’t we dragged Pride into the group?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** If I have to suffer than so does he!!

  


**Gender Is An Illusion** added **Kinda Shady** to **Shenanigan and a Half**

  


**Ding Dong Bitch:** The more the merrier I guess.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I just checked and found the same thing outside my room.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** At least it means they’re going full force on ally support?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yes. 'Ally support'. And not ‘making up for the fact that we don’t understand subtle hints”.

 **Pantastic:** Of course. Who’s gay now?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Everyone, apparently. They referred to themselves as ‘the second gayest detective team’.

 **Wrench Wench:** Second gayest??? Where’s the first gayest team?

 **Waffle Iron:** Have you met Olivier Armstrong?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I met her once! She could stab me and I would thank her!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** What is with you and stabbing lately?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Okay but this time I’m the one being stabbed.

 **Pantastic:** Anyway, now that its summer, I feel like we should be thinking of some sort of summer plans.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** My dumb teenager instincts want to shout ‘road trip’ but I know that’s a bad idea.

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay, new plan: we do the road trip with me and Al just knocked the fuck out and stuck in the trunk.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Honey, I love you, but I don’t think that will go well if we got pulled over.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** ‘No Officer! It’s fine! They were okay with getting drugged and stuffed in a trunk! Please don’t arrest us!”

 **More Like A Nonja:** Where would we even go on a road trip? The beach?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Beach is also out.

 **Pantastic:** Look, you try enjoying the beach with metal limbs.

 **Waffle Iron:** Take me to a beach and I’ll turn into Anakin Skywalker. “I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. “

 **Wrench Wench:** What about a camping trip?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** If we do that the bears will be less of a metaphor.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What??

 **Netflix And Kill:** Long Story.

 **Kinda Shady:** Oh my fucking god

 **More Like A Nonja:** Anyone notice how all four of you introduced yourself with the fuck word?

 **Kinda Shady:** I was asleep!! Why did you add me to a chat where I barely know anyone???

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Because if I have to suffer so do you.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Well, you know us, you know Ed and Al, and you met Lan Fan the other day so that’s most of the group. We can get you caught up on the others later.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** When did he meet Lan Fan?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Same day she scared the fuck out of Envy

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Look! I didn't know anyone was there!! She's a goddamn ninja!!!!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why was Lan Fan at your house???

 **Netflix And Kill:** Apparently my type is ‘women who can and will stab me?’.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Again, what is with you and stabbing lately?

 **Netflix And Kill:** Look! I’m not kinkshaming you, so you don’t kinkshame me.

 **Pantastic:** Okay, why am I still surprised at this point? It was one thing when Ed surprised us by being Bi. Then it was Al and then their goddamn Cryptid. Now it’s apparently literally everyone????

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think Mei’s still straight but yes?

 **Pantastic:** Why does everyone insist on surprising me with being gay??

 **Kinda Shady:** I know I’m knew here, but if everyone is surprising you, do you maybe think you’re not nearly as good at guessing who’s gay as you think you are?

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh. Now you’re username makes sense. You throw shade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, at some point last night I remembered that the creator of FMA likes Star Wars, and now I'm giving Hohenheim's backstory the side-eye. I'm not saying there's a connection between characters who grew up as a child slave in the desert, but I am saying I would love to see a comic of Hohenheim saying the sand line.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was mildly based on a conversation involving me being out of the loop and my friend being even more out of the loop!

**Hacker Voice:** Hey Hughes. I have a question.

 **Knife Emoji:** Go for it.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’m going through another person’s laptop full of fanfic. And of course there’s more mlp fic.

 **Denim:** Oh boy. Here we go.

 **Hacker Voice:** I honestly can’t tell if this is just fic being fic or if it’s canon so I have to ask: did they send an eleven year old to Hell?

 **Knife Emoji:** Basically yeah. Technically it’s Tartarus, but it’s pretty much Hell to them.

 **Gun:** I’M SORRY THE WHAT

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I have so many questions but I’m scared of the answers.

 **Hacker Voice:** Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. Yet here I am still dead.

 **Knife Emoji:** Speaking of! Apparently there was no rainbow laser homicide. They brought that fucker back after six seasons.

 **Bread:** Just because that guy didn’t die doesn’t mean that no one has ever died from rainbow laser homicide.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** What did the eleven year old do that made them get sent to Hell??

 **Knife Emoji:** Tried to do a spell to get rid of magic entirely and then somehow take over the country. Tbh the plan was thought up by a previous villain she became penpals with who didn’t care if that second part succeeded so I don't think anyone thought that through too much.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I knew I’d regret asking.

 **Gun:** Honestly, I’m somewhat intrigued to know how the justice system works in pony land. What was the trial like? Is there some pony lawyer who had to argue over why this eleven year old deserved to go to Hell?? Where are her parents and how do they feel about this??

 **Denim:** Considering what I remember from my ex’s rants and fan theories, several ponies seem to be orphans so she probably doesn’t have them.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** ??????? How many dead pony parents are there????

 **Knife Emoji:** Honestly, even if her parents are around, the government of Equestria is… The princesses are in charge and what they say goes. I’d argue that some princesses’ votes count more than others due to two of them being All-powerful Immortals who control the Sun and Moon compared to the princesses of ‘Love’ and ‘Friendship’. Then again, the princesses can’t tell a racist asshole to shut the fuck up and not cause an international incident by being a racist asshole.

 **Hacker Voice:** Everything you say leads to more questions…

 **Bread:** There’s a racist pony????? How are ponies racist??? Is it like ‘blue ponies are better than green ponies’??

 **Knife Emoji:** Nah, he’s racist against other creatures like Dragons and Yaks. He didn’t get sent to Hell though. He got to learn his lesson when the eleven year old held him hostage and the characters he was racist to came to save him.

 **Bread:** I regret everything.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Maes, you seem to have Opinions on this. I know you said you only watch it because you have a kid, but are you getting invested??

 **Hacker Voice:** It’s only investment if he has an OC

 **Knife Emoji** : Does the OC thing count if Elicia made it?

 **Bread:** Absolutely.

 **Knife Emoji:** Trick question! She made mlp versions of everyone she knows so you all have pony Ocs too.

 **Denim:** To quote High School Musical: We’re all in this together.

 **Knife Emoji:** Hey, Roy, want to know how far your ‘setting people on fire jokes’ go? She made you a half-Dragon Unicorn with a fire magic talent.

 **Gun:** HA! I gotta know, what am I?

 **Knife Emoji:** Unicorn with Gun talent. Mine’s a Pegasus by the way. The rest of you are Earth Ponies.

 **Denim:** Let me guess: she made herself an Alicorn Princess?

 **Hacker Voice:** judging by what I’ve read, I take it that’s this series’ version of the self-insert Mary Sue?

 **Denim:** Yep.

 **Knife Emoji:** Oddly no. She made herself a Pegasus. Although she did decide that two other people are Alicorns.

 **Gun:** Who?

 **Knife Emoji:** Well, one’s an ‘Al’-icorn. The other’s more of an ‘Ed’-icorn.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I hate you so fucking much.

 **Knife Emoji:** I can hear your groans and I gotta say I feel pretty accomplished right now.

 **Denim:** Don’t get too cocky there because Hawkeye just got up and is heading your way to probably murder you.

 **Knife Emoji:** On one hand I know she won’t kill me, but on the other hand I will be preemptively hiding in the men’s bathroom until she cools down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Learning facts about series you either stopped watching or never watched in the first place is fucking wild.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... don't know where this went. I really don't.... what is it with me and weird ships? I found it entertaining enough to turn it into a plot point though!

**Waffle Iron:** Hey, remember how I mentioned that Roy and the Cryptid were cooking together and Lan Fan called it ‘domestic af’? Anyone want to hear about the weird shit they’re doing now?

 **Wrench Wench:** Yes, and are you ever going to refer to him as something other than ‘the Cryptid’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Calling him anything else feels weird at this point.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Yeah, sometimes you get used to a nickname and then no one ever calls you anything else even though we all hate it.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Look, if you want to go back to real names we can.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I’ll stick to my nickname thanks

 **Kinda Shady:** I thought she was referring to the whole ‘Father’ thing.

**Netflix And Kill:[ bothisgood.gif](https://media3.giphy.com/media/yQ5i87f3fs3cs/giphy.gif)**

**Princess Powerhouse:** You know, I could’ve been happy never remembering the fact that your former boss made you call him ‘Father’.

 **Pantastic:** Can we go back to Cryptids and not visit that barrel of Yikes™

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Technically, since he’s the Cryptid’s Evil Twin, he is also a sort of Cryptid?

 **More Like A Nonja:** let’s just agree that you’re all Cryptids.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You still can’t convince me that they’re not Dragons.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Does that theory have to do with the body heat thing?

 **Pantasitc:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Wrench Wench:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **More Like A Nonja:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Netflix And Kill:** Wow.

 **Waffle Iron:** Actually, that’s related to what I was talking about because it is definitely a Cryptid Trait.

 **Waffle Iron:** Roy pulled the ‘oh hey you feel warm let me check that by putting my hand on your face and being all concerned about you getting sick’ thing on him. It was straight out of a fanfic.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It didn’t help that Roy seemed to realize what he was doing, look flustered, and then the whole situation was turned around with a ‘i’m fine but you look kinda red are you okay?’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That is the most fanfic-y thing I’ve ever read holy shit.

 **Pantastic:** How’d Riza react to that?

 **Waffle Iron:** that amused expression that says ‘you’re a disaster, but you’re my disaster’.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Sounds like she makes that expression a lot.

 **Kinda Shady:** I know the feeling.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So, as much as I trust them, my affair senses are tingling and you know how that goes.

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean we’re just joking about the thing. It’s not like anything’s actually going on.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You sure about that?

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re… you’re not seriously suggesting that they were actually flirting?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** TBH, lame excuses to touch someone is a decent flirting tactic.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh, so that’s what you’re doing  >:3c

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Says the one who’s like ‘i’m cold even though it’s summer and I’m a goddamn furnace. We should cuddle!”

 **Pantastic:** Call! Him! Out!

 **More Like A Nonja:** While I’m not suggesting that they were flirting, I will say that it’s at least a case of ‘He’s pretty and I’m gay!’.

 **Waffle Iron:** stop shipping my dads!!!

 **Wrench Wench:** Nice to see you’re getting to the point where you can collectively call them dads.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Uh, this just sent him into a triple hit combo crisis.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Is he okay??

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, it’s just there was the crisis of this conversation in general, the ‘collective dads’ comment, and the fact that said ‘collective dads’ noticed his expression and asked what’s wrong, only for him to say a typical ‘it’s fine dad’, and realize what he said.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He bolted off and they’re trying to figure out which one of them he was talking to.

 **Wrench Wench:** Sorry for the crisis.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Somewhat sorry. It’s a question that needs to be addressed.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Lan Fan no!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I mean, it kind of is. Like, this specific situation aside, there is potential for the Cryptid to start dating again. Maybe not /right now/ but you know, eventually. And you’re gonna have to deal with that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Great, now you’re sending me into a crisis.

 **Waffle Iron:** That is a problem for future me.

 **Wrench Wench:** You know….

 **Pantastic:** idk where you’re going but I’m grabbing the popcorn.

 **Wrench Wench:** there is a way we can find out if the ‘Roy and the Cryptid’ situation is a thing….

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m scared but curious.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Whatever it is, go for it!!

 **Wrench Wench:** Do you remember what I’m doing right now?

 **Waffle Iron:** oh no.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I actually have no idea so what are you doing?

 **Wrench Wench:** Babysitting  >:3c

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Oh.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** DO NOT

 **Wrench Wench:** Look, I’m not going to turn it into a thing, but if I drop a subtle hint around Maes, he will go nuts.

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s not just going to go nuts, he’s going to go fucking hog wild.

 **Kinda Shady:** Please do it because this is honestly the best entertainment I’ve had in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always been kind of a running joke with me of "everyone thinks Hohenheim is hot, Ed and Al are confused by this, and Hohenheim himself is mostly oblivious to this fact". (I mean, that is kind of Canon. Izumi thinks Hohenheim is hot, and her word is law.)


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is getting ridiculous. But what else is new?

**Knife Emoji:** So, a little bird told me something interesting

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Riza what did you do?

 **Gun:** Nothing. This time.

 **Knife Emoji:** I hear that someone might have a crush of sorts….

 **Denim:** … we’re discussing crushes?

 **Hacker Voice:** time to set up the slumber party! We can talk about boys, do our nails, have a pillow fight, etc.

 **Bread:** We’re adults. I think we’re past calling it a ‘crush’. And like hell are you doing my nails.

 **Knife Emoji:** I’m absolutely going to call it a ‘crush’ since Roy’s playbook apparently hasn’t changed since high school.

 **Gun:** yeah, it really hasn’t.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I’m not some schoolgirl with a crush! I am a grown ass man!

 **Knife Emoji:** Yeah, a grown ass man who finds another grown ass man attractive.

 **Hacker Voice:** You want to elaborate on that or just leave us hanging?

 **Denim:** I was sarcastic earlier but now I want to know about him having a crush on someone other than his wife.

 **Gun:** He’s allowed to like other people as long as he doesn’t go behind my back about it.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** ….

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How much do you know?

 **Knife Emoji:** I know you’re going to be staring in that romance novel with ‘Tall, gold, and mysterious’.

 **Denim:** While I promise I’m not writing said romance novel, I am absolutely ready to read it.

 **Bread:** Are any of you ever going to refer to him by name?

 **Gun:** It’s a running joke at this point. We can’t break it now.

 **Hacker Voice:** I thought we all agreed that he was pretty?

 **Knife Emoji:** yes, but this is a little more than that.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** What makes you think you’re right? Fuck. Why are you even bringing this up at all?

 **Knife Emoji:** Well, to bring back the old “I heard from X, who heard from Y” trope, Winry was babysitting Elicia, and she mentioned that Ed and Al told her about this ‘funny thing you did’.

 **Knife Emoji:** Apparently you pulled the ‘are you getting sick? Better let me touch your face to check your temperature’ thing.

 **Gun:** He absolutely did.

 **Knife Emoji:** You’ve been using that move for years! You pulled it on me over a decade ago!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** How the hell do you remember that? You were so out of it on cold meds I could’ve done a full theatre kid dance routine and you wouldn’t remember.

 **Knife Emoji:** I thought it was a cold meds-induced hallucination until I saw you pull it on Riza.

 **Bread:** Isn’t that just a thing he does? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him temperature check everyone at least once?

 **Gun:** The temperature check in general is a sign of showing affection, even platonically. It’s only flirting if he gets flustered after a moment.

 **Denim:** No it’s not. He did that to me last winter. It’s just what he does.

 **Hacker Voice:** Uh…. Havoc… buddy….

 **Bread:** Oh my god

 **Knife Emoji:** Think about it for a minute…

 **Gun:** I’m just gonna tell him

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** DON’T YOU DARE

 **Denim:** ?

 **Denim:** Wait a FUCK

 **Denim:** Were you flirting with me????

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I mean, kinda?

 **Hacker Voice:** You know, I noticed a weird pattern in the people you’re attracted to.

 **Knife Emoji:** He likes men that are taller than him?

 **Gun:** He likes women that can put him in his place?

 **Bread** : You know, I now know more about your bedroom life than I ever wanted to know.

 **Bread:** So thanks for that.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** fuckening… look. Maybe I have a type. But how is that weird?

 **Hacker Voice:** I was talking about how they all have a last name that starts with the letter ‘H’.

 **Gun:** Okay, that is weird.

 **Denim:** How the hell….

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I feel like this is just weird coincidence.

 **Knife Emoji:** Or you have some sort of obscure letter kink.

 **Bread:** So, as much as I don’t want hear more about your bedroom life, what are you going to do about this crush?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I thought we agreed to not call it a ‘crush’?

 **Bread** : That was before I knew it was about you using the same moves you used in high school.

 **Knife Emoji:** HA!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** On one hand, he’s attractive and sweet and while I will nitpick his pokemon choices, he’s fun to be around. Sure there’s a lot of weirdness in the situation and it might be a ‘not for a while’ thing, but it could potentially work out.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** On the other hand, sometimes he says something or makes an expression that reminds me a little too much of Ed and Al. Which, like, obviously that’s gonna happen but it could be a dealbreaker.

 **Hacker Voice:** Oh, so it’s like that episode of iCarly where Spencer dated Gibby’s mom?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Exactly.

 **Gun:** If you’re bringing up iCarly, should we kick off the ‘slumber party’ by blasting Big Time Rush?

 **Bread:** You act like Furey doesn’t do that already

 **Hacker Voice:** Hey! BTR fucking slaps!

 **Denim:** Furey, I have seen your itunes and that is not the most embarrassing thing you have on there.

 **Knife Emoji:** Is it Hanna Montanna or the Jonas Brothers?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** says the guy who apparently listens to mlp fansongs…

 **Knife Emoji:** Like you weren’t singing a Sonic the Hedgehog fansong yesterday!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** … Let’s attempt to save some dignity and blame the kids.

 **Denim:** Either way, it’s better than the soundtrack to a Bratz movie

 **Furey:** Okay! But Rock Angels was the only good thing about Bratz! At least the only good thing that stuck in my memory other than the whatthefuckery with their feet pegs.

 **Knife Emoji:**  Creepy dolls and music taste aside, Roy, there’s something you might not’ve thought about.

 **Gun:** What else is new?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Rude. Also, what am I not thinking of?

 **Knife Emoji:** Ed and Al are going to notice this. They might’ve already noticed. But even if their feelings about it wouldn’t stop you, you’re going to want to talk about it with them.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Okay, you have a point about that…

 **Gun:** Except for the fact that they might’ve already noticed. I love those kids, but they’re more oblivious than Havoc is apparently.

 **Denim:** Hey!!

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** The parent in me wants to defend them, but they didn’t catch on to the fact that no one here is straight until a few months ago…

 **Hacker Voice:** I have noticed they’re not good with subtle hints.

 **Denim:**  By the way, quick question: Is that flirting option still open, or did I miss my opportunity?

 **Bread:** No! You answer that in the Dms! I do not want to hear it!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the stuff about music was just me calling myself out as usual.   
> Also, can I just say that sometimes I forget that Hohenheim has a first name? Like, no one ever uses it in Canon.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I've mentioned that every character here is somehow highly intelligent, but also a chaotic dumbass disaster.

**Waffle Iron:** I feel like an idiot.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You’re gonna have to narrow that down.

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude.

 **Waffle Iron:** But like, how did I not realize the gender fuckery until recently?

 **Wrench Wench:** I don’t think there were any ‘signs’ or anything.

 **Pantastic:** To be fair, what even qualifies as a ‘sign’?

 **Kinda Shady:** Not that anyone here would notice said signs.

 **Waffle Iron:** I just noticed that every time a video game gives me the option to play as a girl I do? Sometimes it’s just the gender choice but in character creators I’ll make me as a girl. I even do it in games without the option. Like, when I play botw I spend as much time as possible in the Gerudo outfit

 **Waffle Iron:** Also, Nintendo really should’ve made that outfit an actual armor set you could upgrade and wear 24/7.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That’s more of a you thing. I don’t do that. If it’s just the choice I’ll go by outfit, but I mix it up whenever I’m in character creators.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** As I also figured out that gender is fake, I agree. That’s just a you thing.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** If it makes you feel better, Lust had an ‘oh god I’m an idiot’ moment this morning.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Fuck off!!

 **More Like A Nonja:** What’d you do?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** she finally realized why we were still finding blonde hair around the place despite no more contact with ‘Father Dearest’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That nickname was bad enough already you don’t need to make it worse.

 **Pantastic:** Omfg.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Honey no….

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** oh yeah. The Golden Retriever Effect.

 **Wrench Wench:** To be fair, that probably doesn’t make him feel better because Ed and Al only realized how much they shed in the past year.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Look, we already went over this…

 **Kinda Shady:** Wait, golden retrievers? I thought the joke was ‘dragons’?

 **Pantastic:** the ‘golden retriever’ joke is for when they leave hair everywhere. The ‘dragon’ joke is because their body temperature is apparently fucking nut.

 **Pantastic:** I meant to type ‘fucking nuts’ but tbh…

 **Waffle Iron:** fuckeing

 **Wrench Wench:** That reminds me. Remember the whole ‘was Roy flirting with the Cryptid’ thing? I learned something… interesting

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Please tell me you didn’t actually ask Maes about it…

 **Wrench Wench:** Okay, but I had some subtlety.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Well what’d he say?

 **Kinda Shady:** give us the gossip.

 **Wrench Wench:** He kinda made this amused expression, but when I asked he just kinda brushed it off. Not sure what that means though.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Not exactly ‘interesting’

 **Waffle Iron:** I know I’m dreading this backfireing, but can I at least have some info?

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. No. The ‘interesting’ part was what happened when I mentioned the whole thing to Granny.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Asking her is probably worse!

 **Ask Me Nicely:** yikes.

 **Pantastic:** So what’d she say?

 **Wrench Wench:** Her exact words were “Roy is flirting with the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet, and he needs all the luck he can get”.

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s not that bad… is he? I mean, okay yeah we did notice the flirting before he did so maybe…?

 **Wrench Wench:** You have no idea. Like, Granny told me what he was like with your mom. Apparently she was flirting with him for a while and he didn’t catch on. Then she just went and kissed him, and even then he was like ‘wait, what?’.

 **Wrench Wench:** Then Granny and my mom smacked him upside the head and it finally sank in.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh my god…

 **Waffle Iron:** So, what you’re saying, is that this is going to be a complete train wreck?

 **Netflix And Kill:** I think I’m far enough from the derailment and explosion to watch safely.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: there's a Tumblr post going around of booty shorts with different mythical creatures on the ass, and one of them says 'Cryptid' on the ass. Every time I see it, all I can think of is this fic.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Okay, I’m done. Don’t want to deal with things. Anyone want to just, fuckin, possess my body and run around so I don’t have to?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I call dibs!

 **Netflix And Kill:** You’re not allowed.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** excuse you I’m allowed to possess my friends if I want!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Usually yes, but Ed already agreed to let me possess him, so if you possess his boyfriend things will get awkward REAL FAST

 **Waffle Iron:** That, and also there might be some awkwardness in possessing your boyfriend’s brother’s boyfriend.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh, but there’s nothing wrong with letting your brother’s boyfriend’s sister possess you?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Honestly, as long as you don’t do anything weird, go for it.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** should we be concerned that you’re okay with this?

 **Kinda Shady:** We should, but we won’t

 **Wrench Wench:** I’m more concerned about why Ling feels the need to be possessed?

 **Pantastic:** Sometimes it just be like that on this bitch of an earth.

 **Waffle Iron:** Dinner date went south.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Hey, I bet this time you didn’t get into a fight over fashion choices.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Glad to see you’re not at all still salty about that.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** ‘went south’ is an understatement.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Imagine sitting down to eat, and the waiter is your ex.

 **Wrench Wench:** Oof.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yikes™

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah that sounds very bad.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Which one.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** uh...

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Please don’t get all protective over the situation

 **More Like A Nonja:** Ling, out of the two one would be just awkward and the other would be a very bad situation. So. Which. One.

 **Waffle Iron:** the bad situation one

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m assuming you left the restaurant, so where are you now?

 **Waffle Iron:** We still need to swing by my place to get my overnight bag, but after that it’s back to Ling’s for old movies and emergency cuddling.

 **Waffle Iron:** Speaking of… Al, are you still home?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No. I left right after you did. Why?

 **Wrench Wench:** Now I’m even more concerned. Running into an ex is one thing, but emergency cuddles? From Ed?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I don’t want to go into the whole thing right now, but short version is that my last relationship was very bad.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** And as if running into him wasn’t bad enough, he decided to make comments on things.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I just felt what I can only describe as “a disturbance in the Force” and I assume that was the feeling of this entire chat deciding they are 110% ready to throwdown?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yep

 **Pantastic:** Of course.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’ve been ready to fight the guy for a while.

 **Wrench Wench:** [andmyaxe.gif](https://imgur.com/gallery/u1J4K)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hell yeah

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I’m not invested but I’m down to kick someone’s ass

 **Netflix And Kill:** that’s ‘Envy speak’ for ‘hell yeah I’m gonna punch someone!’

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Guys…. I appreciate the whole thing. But you don’t need to go kick his ass. Mostly because I don’t want any of you to go to jail for murder.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Seriously, I’m away from the situation now and I feel a lot better already.

 **Kinda Shady:** At the very least you should go all ‘Can I speak to the manager?’ on him.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’ll think about it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** If you change your mind and want us to fight him, you know where we are.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’m going to ask for a rundown on what all was said and I might kick his ass anyway.

 **Waffle Iron:** okay, so the night has gone from ‘angst’ to ‘confusion and a hell of a lot of mixed emotions’. And I feel bad for taking the attention away from Ling’s drama for my own drama

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** From the context I eavesdropped on while messaging the chat, I think you’re good.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What’s going on and should I be concerned???

 **Waffle Iron:** So… we were right about Roy flirting with someone, but wrong about who… I think. Maybe he’s flirting with many people.

 **Wrench Wench:** ???

 **Kinda Shady:** Finally some delicious fucking gossip.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Can we get more context?

 **Waffle Iron:** So uh… Since Al and I aren’t going to be home tonight, Roy and Riza decided to have a date night of their own.

 **Waffle Iron:** And apparently Havoc is part of date night

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That’s unexpected.

 **Pantastic:** … did you just walk in on a threesome??

 **Waffle Iron:** Kinda?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Are you sure they didn’t just have him over for more innocent reasons?

 **Waffle Iron:** Considering they were on the second drink and making out on the couch? Unlikely.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I would love to hear more context on that scenario.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** okay then. Not sure how to feel about that.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Probably almost makes you glad the date got ruined. Imagine what you might’ve walked in on if you waited until after dinner.

 **Waffle Iron:** I WAS TRYING NOT TO THINK OF THAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally made a joke about Greedling. It only took forever.


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet y'all forgot they had the "Family Chat".

**Totally Not A Furry:** So, can I assume that we’re having some sort of family meeting tomorrow?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Okay then. He already told you. Great.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** That said, we are not discussing this in the family chat. This is something we will talk about later and in-person.

 **Waffle Iron:** I feel like I’m being punished. I barely want to think about it, much less discuss it in-person.

 **Gun:** You’re not being punished. That’s not why we’re discussing it later.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Does it have to do with the most recent member of this chat? Because if the thing in the kitchen the other day is what it looked like…

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I can already hear Maes laughing at me…

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh, so that was a thing. Great. Gotta deal with that.

 **Gun:** Which is why the family meeting will be face-to-face.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Again, we are not discussing this now.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I feel like I am missing some context…

 **Waffle Iron:** Don’t worry! I’m sure Roy would love to tell you about it later!

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** So, how are you reacting to this?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** the same way we react to everything. “Well, this is fucking weird and we have to deal with it”.

 **Waffle Iron:** that’s… fair.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think you just summed up everything in our lives.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Seriously though, what do you think on this?

 **Waffle Iron:** They’re grown adults that can do whatever the hell they want?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** also fair.

 **Waffle Iron:** I think I need more context from them before I decide how I feel about it. Which I really don’t want to do because thinking about your parents’ sex life is ugh.

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, if it’s a one time thing or even a friends with benefits situation, that’s one thing. But if it’s some sort of poly relationship, that’s a little different you know?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. With the former it’s just “okay I didn’t want to know that but now I do and I’m going to try to forget”. But if it’s the latter….

 **Waffle Iron:** Is it weird that I think them with the Cryptid is less weird than them with Havoc?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We really should be using his name. It gets hard to take it seriously.

 **Waffle Iron:** I know but that’s still weirder than the rest of this! Like, obviously calling him ‘dad’ is still weird, and the name thing is too… detached?

 **Waffle Iron:** Which is weird coming from me! But you know what I mean! It doesn’t help that everyone uses his last name instead of his first name.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Has anyone ever used his first name??

 **Waffle Iron:** I think mom used to.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But why do you find that idea less weird?

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean, jokes aside, they’re already kind of domestic? Like, the Cryptid is over all the time, and they all cook together and stuff. Not to mention all of the family stuff we do together.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** That… makes sense actually. In that scenario, the only thing that really changes is that they’d be, like, making out or whatever.

 **Waffle Iron:** ‘making out’. You say that like you don’t know exactly where it’d go.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Look, you already pointed out that you don’t want to think about that.

 **Waffle Iron:** Don’t remind me.

 **Waffle Iron:** Seriously though. Like, I like Havoc. I like all of their team. And tbh I think I’d be fine with it in the long run but there'd be more adjustment to do.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Sounds like you’ve decided to be cool with the whole situation.

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess. I’m mostly just trying to bounce things off the wall and see how it goes, you know?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** tbh I feel pretty similar about the whole situation. Everything’s weird, but we’re used to it.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fuck the word ‘weird’ is starting to not look like a word anymore because of how much we’ve been saying it. I have half a mind to look up a thesaurus and find various synonyms just to stop.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** By the way, how’s Ling doing? I mean, with the whole ‘running into the asshole ex’ thing?

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s better. He’s gotten past the ‘who wants to possess my body?!’ phase and has moved on to the ‘maybe if I cut my hair real short I’ll feel better and have control of my life’ phase. I’m keeping him away from scissors though because we both know he’d regret it if he did. If that doesn't go away soon I'll at least try to convince him to go for hair dye instead of a full cut.

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s also doing the stress baking thing, but while I’m keeping an eye on it I am letting him make something since he feels guilty dinner got ruined. And I’m hungry.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yikes. I didn’t know it was that bad, and now I am even more convinced to have the friend group find his ex and kick his ass.

 **Waffle Iron:** trust me, only reason I didn’t deck the fucker is because I realized it was more important to get Ling out of there first.

 **Waffle Iron:** The sweet thing is he’s more worried about me and our drama. 

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, Greed’s being similarly sweet. Which is good because I was worried he’d be upset after all the drama kinda ruined the mood.

 **Waffle Iron:** So what you’re saying is that the restaurant incident just cockblocked everyone.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not sure if it would’ve gone that far, but Greed was doing that ‘sexily eat a popsicle’ thing so, uh, yeah…

 **Waffle Iron:** Well then. Now that image is in my head. Which is not helping on several levels.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Sorry. Seriously though, he’s being sweet about it. Everyone else came by too. Well, Lust did the actual ‘pop in to check on me’ thing. Envy just quoted Mean Girls at us. You know, “Y’all need anything? Some snacks, a condom..”

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Greed chucked a pillow at them but I could tell they were checking in.

 **Waffle Iron:** Nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're all having fun.


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I think It's time to add the mustang/havoc and mustang/hohenheim ships on here because it's starting to go places.

**Waffle Iron:** MY HANDS ARE FUCKING BLUE

**Waffle Iron:[Eiffel65.png](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68ugkg9RePc)**

**Gender Is An Illusion:** Did you murder Sonic the Hedgehog?

 **More Like A Nonja:** considering how everyone reacted to the trailer, it might be a service to the world.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Still better than my hands. They’re rainbow

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** [caughtacaseofthegay.png](https://youtu.be/pnEjASx00J8)

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What the hell did you two do?

 **Waffle Iron:** His is food coloring, mine is hair dye.

 **Pantastic:** DID YOU DYE YOUR HAIR????

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** No, he’s still blonde. He just was helping with my hair and the cheap gloves they give you decided to crap out.

 **Kinda Shady:** Okay, that’s less scandalous. How blue is it?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Eh, not that blue. We were idiots and forgot to get any kind of hair bleaching thing and were too lazy to go back out when we realized so just went ahead and dumped it on anyway. My hair’s too dark for it to show up a lot.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh, so you went from #190d0d to #0e0d19?

 **Netflix And Kill:** You fuckign art nerd.

 **Waffle Iron:** Did you just hex code his hair??

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And the food coloring is because?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I really need to clean out my cake decorating kit because there’s too many things leaking a little.

 **Wrench Wench:** Speaking of… how are you doing today after the whole… you know?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Better. Even thought he hair dye thing didn’t really change all that much, it did have the effect I wanted so you know. Plus stress baking and all the emergency cuddles and all that.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Glad you’re good.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Meanwhile, I’m procrastinating on going home because we have a family meeting to look forward to.

 **Waffle Iron:** Ugh. Fuck. I was kind of hoping that was a very vivid hallucination. Maybe the blue hands will be enough of a distraction?

 **More Like A Nonja:** good luck.

 **Kinda Shady:** Tell us how it goes!

* * *

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ugh. Just as awkward as expected.

 **Waffle Iron:** I found it more awkward.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** So how’d it go?

 **Wrench Wench:** Is the thing we thought was happening happening?

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, kinda. The Havoc relationship is a thing and Roy is absolutely flirting with the Cryptid, even though he knows it’s a complicated situation.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We did warn him about the ‘most oblivious motherfucker on the planet’ thing.

 **Netflix And Kill:** So are you guys chill with that or what?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Pretty chill, yeah.

 **Pantastic:** Well, congrats on whatever the hell this is. I guess.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Wait, why did Ed say ‘more awkward’.

 **Waffle Iron:** Because someone picked the worst timing for the turntables.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Turntables? Did you hire a dj for the family meeting?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Most family meetings would be better with a decent soundtrack.

 **Waffle Iron:** I meant the fact that it’s probably a good thing my hands were blue because I think it was enough to keep them distracted from the very obvious hickey on Al.

 **Pantastic:** Oh right! Those turntables!!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Someone add the thing!

**Ding Dong Bitch:[ turntables.png](https://i.imgur.com/2utdDYI.jpg)**

**Totally Not A Furry:** So uh… I had no idea that was there until just now looking in a mirror and uh, yikes.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I can’t tell if you’re upset about that or not, so sorry?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m upset at myself that I didn’t notice it, but I think I’m okay with the mark being there in general?

 **Wrench Wench:** Okay or /okay/ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** HUSH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: #190d0d is actually the color I use for Ling's hair, along with Greed and Lust's hair too. #0e0d19 on the other hand, is the color for Ling's base eye color, along with Mei's hair and eyes.


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanations! And attempts at flirting.

Direct Message (@ **Expert In Gibberish** )

  


**Dumb Fucking Horse:** For various reasons, it’s been decided that I get to explain what happened last night.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Is it something I should be concerned about, or just an event that happened?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** More of an ‘event’, I guess. But what had happened was that since the boys were both going to be out, we had a datenight of our own. Then Ed came back early.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I’m guessing he interrupted something he really didn’t want to see, though I don’t see why that needed a ‘family meeting’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** It does since datenight included a… third party. Specifically Havoc.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Interesting, but I feel like he can do the math on that, so to speak.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Well, it’s a little more complicated, as it’s not just a one time thing. It’s turning into more of a poly relationship. And depending on how this goes, it might not be just Havoc added in. But it does effect the boys in a few ways, and we were going to talk to them about it anyway. This just gave us opportunity.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** How’d they handle it?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Better than I expected, partly because they caught on to it a bit earlier than just last night and already went through that crisis.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** That’s good. And good luck with whatever relationship you’re going for.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Actually, I’ve been wondering about…

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Where are you at in terms of ‘potentially getting back into dating’?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** That’s a very complicated situation.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I assumed as much. But it was something that needed asked all things considered.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m going to go looking for a date any time soon. Not that I really went out of my way to look for love before.

 **Expert In Gibberish:** If something came up, I might give it a try, depending on how it goes.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** So, if next time you were over I said ‘hey I think you’re pretty let’s make out’ would you go for it?

 **Expert In Gibberish:** Ah, well, I’m not sure how I’d react in that particular hypothetical, but that is the kind of situation I meant.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Right.

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Gun** )  


**Dumb Fucking Horse:** He has to be fucking with me

 **Gun:** ?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I know I was warned that he’s ‘the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet’ but oh my god

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** [screenshot.png](https://squigglydigg.tumblr.com/post/184676910446/i-couldnt-help-myself)

 **Gun:** Oh boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you enjoyed my sonic joke last chapter, here's your reminder that 1.) Sonic is an alien that happens to look like a Hedgehog 2.) Shadow is the Alien Hedgehog equivalent of a Homunculus, and 3.) because of this, both of them are 'Fake Hedgehogs'.


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy

**Hacker Voice:** For the record, I’m doing this because Breda bet me $20 that I wouldn’t.

 **Denim:** Oh god what are you planning.

 

 **Hacker Voice** changed the chat name from _Totally Serious Work Chat_ to _The 'H’ Stands For ‘Harem’_

 

 **Bread:** I don’t even care. Seeing Mustang’s face was worth it. $20 well spent.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I hate all of you.

 **Gun:** I think we know better than that by now.

 **Knife Emoji:** that’s actually kind of beautiful in a way.

 **Denim:** Never thought I’d ever go ‘well, guess I’m part of a harem now’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** This is not a harem!

 **Bread:** You’ve fucked 3/5 of this chat. I think that counts.

 **Gun:** Bold of you to assume he tops.

 **Bread:** You know, I want to go all ‘i didn’t need to know that!’ but I’m pretty sure this is some kind of karma.

 **Hacker Voice:** tbh I’m less surprised than I thought I’d be.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Hey! I top like, half the time!

 **Knife Emoji:** speaking of, how’s the other romance going?

 **Gun:** Oh, you mean ‘the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet’?

 **Hacker Voice:** Worse than Havoc the other day?

 **Denim:** Look…

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** yes. At least you got it when I was direct. I’ve already done the ‘what if I said you’re pretty and I want to make out with you’ level of bluntness, and he’s all ‘neat hypothetical!’

 **Hacker Voice:** oh wow.

 **Knife Emoji** : Okay. That sets a new record.

 **Bread:** I have no idea how to respond to that.

 **Denim** : It sounds entertaining yet frustrating.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Hey, if you want a front row seat to the train wreck, we were going to invite you to family game night.

 **Denim:** I know you said the boys were cool with the whole situation, but maybe let things chill a bit before dragging me into family game night. Especially if there’s going to be train wreck flirting.

 **Denim:** Besides, you’d probably all kick my ass at whatever we play.

 **Gun:** Oh, no. Winning is easy. They’re all science nerds, so you just need to mention something that sends them off a tangent. Then, while they’re distracted discussing theoretical physics or whatever, you cheat like hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: Since I've already added these romances in, should I just go whole hog and cram in every ship? I mean, I originally didn't go with my usual polyship because I wanted to keep this simple, but since this is chapter sixty fucking four, I think we're past that. I do already have potential plans to add two polyships


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this fandom and mother's day is usually a free ticket to the angst train. Good thing this is a more comedic fic!

**Waffle Iron:** Family game night is getting weird.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Roy is flirting, the Cryptid is not getting it, and the rest of us are dying inside.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Is it better or worse than Greed and Al were during that game of Cards against Humanity?

 **Waffle Iron:** This is still pg flirting, but at least that was going somewhere!

 **Kinda Shady:** Keep us updated on this disaster!

* * *

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Game night has been interrupted because SOMEONE decided he had to be covered in cheese dip right now!

 **Wrench Wench:** weird strategy, but if it works it works.

 **Pantastic:** Bet they fon-didn’t see that coming!

 **Waffle Iron:** He was talking about Black Hayate.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** The poor baby!!

 **Totally Not a Furry:** He did this to himself. He’s sitting here all smug because he doesn’t realize it’s now bathtime.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** No!

**Totally Not A Furry:[ punishedforcheesecrimes.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3fa78cc893d51a92c34f9e005b74af6c/tumblr_oohqhwm2dh1skdz50o1_500.gif)**

**Waffle Iron:** The more interesting news: along with dumping the cheese on himself, he also managed to knock over a few drinks on the Cryptid.

 **Pantastic:** why is that more interesting?

 **Waffle Iron:** Have you ever seen a wet tshirt contest? Because that’s kind of what’s going on and Roy is just kind of staring now.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** We’re giving him the ‘really man?’ look, and he snapped out of it long enough to be all ‘I didn’t fucking plan this!’

 **Waffle Iron:** He might not’ve planned it but he definitely ain’t complaining.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You should send pictures.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What? No!!

 **Netflix And Kill:** At least take a picture of Roy’s expression!

 **Waffle Iron:** NO!!

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** How is it that this has been going on for so long and no one has made a joke about Dream Daddy?

 **Pantastic:** Oh fuck you’re right. Dads dating dads.

 **More Like A Nonja:** The only thing as powerful as a dilf is another dilf.

 **Kinda Shady:** I am concerned about all of you what the fuck.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Should I just change the chat name to ‘Team Daddy Issues’?

 **Wrench Wench:** Please don’t because I don’t want to explain that to Granny when she sees my notifications.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** OH GOD IT GOT WORSE

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah, why does everything in this chat come back to daddy issues?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’ll give you three guesses.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You make a good point but that’s not what I meant!

 **Wrench Wench:** What happened that’s worse than wet tshirt contest?

 **Waffle Iron:** Well, the solution was to change out of that shirt. Except he doesn’t have another one on hand. So he’s now wearing one of Roy’s shirts but may I remind you that there is a decent size difference there?

 **Waffle Iron:** He’s not completely ready for a ‘I flexed and the sleeves fell off’ situation but it’s definitely not helping.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And NO we are NOT sending you pictures!!!

 **More Like A Nonja** : take all the fun out of it…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's a disaster.


	66. Chapter 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprised no one noticed who was quiet last chapter.

Direct Message (@ **Ding Dong Bitch** )

 

 **Wrench Wench:** Are you okay?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m fine.

 **Wrench Wench:** Are you sure? You weren’t really saying anything in the groupchat.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m fine.

 

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Waffle Iron** )

 

 **Wrench Wench:** Is Ling okay? I asked but he’s just repeating ‘I’m fine’.

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh. It’s… he’s mostly fine.

Wrench Wench: Mostly fine?

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay, there is a thing going on but you are literally the last person I want to discuss it with.

 **Wrench Wench:** That was mean even for you. If you don’t explain I’m telling Al that you two are fighting and you know how he’ll get.

 **Waffle Iron:** DON’T!!

 **Waffle Iron:** Look, I… I’ll explain it. But don’t be mad at me okay??

 **Wrench Wench:** Why would I be mad at you?

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s complicated.

 **Wrench Wench:** Start at the beginning then.

 **Waffle Iron:** Right. So, the other day Ling and I were joking about things. And the subject came up in a ‘hey if we were to have a threesome which friend would we pick’.

 **Waffle Iron:** Again, we were joking. I mean, our first one was saying ‘well, if Greed hadn’t gotten with Al...’.

 **Wrench Wench:** Understandable.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, well, after that suggestion I kinda suggested you?

 **Waffle Iron:** I was going more for ‘remember when you suggested whoring me out for claw machine prizes?’, but…

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. Right. You used to have a crush on me and he probably got freaked out by that.

 **Waffle Iron:** Kinda…

 **Wrench Wench:** Explains why neither of you wanted to talk to me about it. But why is it a problem? Sure it might’ve been a fight but it’s an easy fix. Just, fuckin, make out with him until you reassure him that you’re not secretly in love with me?

 **Wrench Wench:** You’re taking a long time to respond and that’s concerning.

 **Wrench Wench:** Dude…

 **Waffle Iron:** I don’t know? I just… this is gonna get ramble-y

 **Waffle Iron:** I did have a crush on you before. And then I had a crush on Ling. And then he and I got together and all that. But the crush on you never entirely went away.

 **Waffle Iron:** And I wasn’t going to do anything about it! I love Ling. I’m happy with him! Even if you showed up all ‘hey wanna make out’ I wouldn’t go for it because I don’t want to ruin this. So I was just gonna stay quiet and never bring it up because it’s not ‘a thing’

 **Waffle Iron:** And he knows that! But it still scared him. And I thought it was okay because he seemed to be doing better so I didn’t think about it but fuck

 **Waffle Iron:** The hell am I supposed to do? I can’t just stop feeling this, and if nothing I do to prove I’m not going to be an asshole works then what the fuck?

 **Wrench Wench:** It’ll be okay. I think you two just need some time to think things through.

 **Waffle Iron:** I guess. I just… I just don’t know what to do here. About any of this.

 **Wrench Wench:** I guess the best solution is to follow example from the rest of your family and go for a polyship.

 **Waffle Iron:** Obviously that hypothetical is some ridiculous ‘perfect world’ scenario. Right now I just want Ling to not be panicking over this.

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Ding Dong Bitch** )  
  


**Wrench Wench:** Hey, so, can we talk about some things?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** about what?

 **Wrench Wench:** I asked Ed why you were upset and he explained the thing.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** How much did he actually tell you?

 **Wrench Wench:** You’re upset because he has a minor crush on me and that’s valid but he doesn’t know how to fix it.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m… not quite upset about it anymore. I’m just kind of exhausted from the initial panic

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Is it weird that even with my usual fears, it hurts more that he didn’t tell me?

 **Ding Dong Bitch** : Like, I get why. I absolutely understand why he wouldn’t say anything especially since it didn’t seem to be a problem and he was just planning on letting it die but...

 **Wrench Wench:** That makes plenty of sense.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Do you want to hear the really stupid idea?

 **Wrench Wench:** Considering your current mindset maybe dial it back on the stupid ideas.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I don’t mean that kind of stupid idea I just… Part of me is thinking about trying to be cool with it? Like, obviously my own panic aside I’m okay that he feels that way

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** But I just… I know he loves me and he wouldn’t just break up with me or whatever. So if that was an option he wanted to pursue, yeah I’d be scared but we can work on it. Communication is the key and all that fuckery.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Obvs that would depend on if you were on board with that and stuff. Because at that point it’s not even a thing.

 **Wrench Wench:** Well, Ed does look better in a skirt than I do ;p

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** That’s a lie, but have you seen his butt in heels?

 **Wrench Wench:** No actually? You have?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Yeah. He was actually going to mention something about that. He wore them a few times but he said he ankle feels weird and unstable. Considering you’re the mechanic here…

 **Wrench Wench:** Huh. His ankle should be pretty stable at all angles. With his sparring habits I made sure of that. Though I didn’t really plan calibration for wearing heels. I’ll have to look into that.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Jokes aside, are you actually considering this?

 **Wrench Wench:** A little. Does it freak you out still?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** not any more than I was already freaked out. Just didn’t entirely expect you to be on board.

 **Wrench Wench:** It’s something I realized kinda recently. I mean, Paninya was the one who brought it up which is probably the only time she’s been on point with romance lately but whatever.

 **Wrench Wench:** Anyway, I wasn’t going to do much about it since I thought Ed was over me and that you’d be upset about it.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You know, Ed was going to come over to my place tomorrow. If you wanted to join to talk this out properly….

 **Wrench Wench:** I might take you up on that. For now text Ed because he’s probably anxiety spiraling about you still being upset.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Right! Fuck!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before: might as well shove all of my ships into one fic!


	67. Chapter 67

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: buying a bunch of red jolly ranchers makes you feel like you're eating a bunch of Philosopher's Stones. 
> 
> Human Souls taste like fruit punch I guess ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Totally Not A Furry:** I think Roy has finally gotten through to the Cryptid and there is something we forgot about that is now killing us with awkward.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** How do you know?

 **Pantastic:** what the hell is the ‘awkward thing you forgot about’? Like, worst I can think of is ‘they’re now sleeping together and we don’t want to think about that’. But you two are aware enough.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Considering the other surprises the family pulls out, I am not lowering my expectations.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** It’s probably something lame like ‘I didn’t realize they’d be giggly and all affectionate’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You know what? Considering who we’re talking about I bet that would be weird.

 **Waffle Iron:** First off, the whole ‘giggly and affectionate’ thing is how we knew they actually talked. Along with the fact that the Cryptid is still here. Like, he spent the night at least.

 **Waffle Iron:** Secondly, the other clue and the ‘weird and awkward’ thing is the name.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Please tell me you mean adorable pet names?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No. That would be embarrassing but tolerable. We mean the fact that, like, no one uses the Cryptid’s first name. But now Roy is using it.

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh yeah that is weird. I sometimes forget he has a first name.

 **Kinda Shady:** Why am I not getting this?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Imagine if Al started calling Greed ‘Richard’ all the time.

 **Kinda Shady:** Oh. Okay. Yikes.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I just felt something. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe fear? Is this what ‘fear’ feels like?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You’re so dramatic.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** LOOK WHO’S FUCKING TALKING

 **Pantastic:** Okay you have a point. It is weird to hear people’s actual names when you’re used to a nickname.

 **Waffle Iron:** You know, I just realized. While I don’t have one specific nickname, I think I’m collecting a bunch of them.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh, like ‘Dreamcrusher’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Goldilocks.

 **Wrench Wench:** Any variation of ‘short’

 **Waffle Iron:** Fuck off! I’m taller than you!!

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Also, your username is ‘waffle iron’ so I think that counts.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** His username for everything else is ‘Fullmetal’. Don’t ask. All he’ll say is ‘it sounds badass’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** of course there’s also ‘Princess’.

 **Pantastic:** I don’t think I’ve heard that one.

 **More Like A Nonja:** It’s his nickname in Ling’s phone.

 **Wrench Wench:** >:3c

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I feel like we aren’t supposed to know that.

 **Waffle Iron:** brb. Gotta go strangle my boyfriend and then myself.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** In my defense! I didn’t tell her that! She just happened to be holding my phone the other day!

 **More Like A Nonja:** Yeah. You need to work on your timing. Who sexts their boyfriend when they know he’s going to be sparring with a friend?

 **Wrench Wench:** what’d you send him  >:3c

 **Waffle Iron:** It wasn’t a sext! It was just a ‘hey I went shopping and I’m feeling cute’ selfie!!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I know you enough to know it wasn’t meant to be but it kinda was.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You desperately need to work on your selfie angles because that was just a straight upskirt shot.

 **More Like A Nonja:** nice underwear choice, by the way. Blue really tied the whole outfit together.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I hate all of you because now I have to try to explain to our parents why Ed is face down in pancakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm at an empty harbor because all my ships are sailing.


	68. Chapter 68

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to a comment from Nozomi_Higurashi , we have this chapter!

**Ask Me Nicely:** Why did no one tell me that Al could fucking judo flip a large man?!

 **Waffle Iron:** What am I supposed to do? Just introduce him as ‘my brother who can judo flip a large man’?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m… concerned about how you learned this?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Because he judo flipped a large man and I am currently very

 **Ask Me Nicely:** [hearteyesmotherfucker.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/700a990a0ab064613678e4ad2332e0f1/tenor.gif?itemid=4115469)

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Understandable.

 **Wrench Wench:** I think he means ‘why did Al judo flip someone’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** drunk asshole decided he had a problem with two guys on a date.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What is with this group and getting into fights on dates?

 **Pantastic:** I haven’t gotten into a fight on a date yet!

 **Kinda Shady:** ‘Yet’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Wait, while judo flipping is understandable, I feel like going straight to judo flipping a guy is more Ed’s thing.

 **Waffle Iron:** Rude

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Well he didn’t do it off the bat. We tried to de-escalate the situation. Then the restaurant owners came out and tried to de-escalate. Then the fucker decided to start swinging, and that’s when he got flipped.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** the owners are currently dealing with the guy. In the ‘tossing him out and telling him he’s no longer welcome’ way. Or the murdery way. They look like they could kill a man.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Are you at that place right at the half-way point between my place and Ed’s? Great cheddar biscuits and the owners are two burly guys who look more like they should be in a biker gang than running a restaurant?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oddly specific but yes?

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh yeah! That place! It’s, like, pretty much our default restaurant to camp out at.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Especially considering what happened last time we chose a different restaurant.

 **Wrench Wench:** Did you say great cheddar biscuits?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** They are really good.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. We’ll have to bring you next time.

 **Netflix And Kill:** you’d really have her third-wheeling your date?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I figured they meant either ‘group hangout at a restaurant’ or ‘invite her and Paninya on a double date’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** oh no. We wouldn’t make those two handle this whole group. They can barely handle us.

 **Waffle Iron:** uh… should we mention the recent development or…?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Any time you mention some sort of ‘recent development’, we get blindsided with some fuckery.

 **Wrench Wench:** I think we can sum this up pretty easily

 **Wrench Wench:** [thesituation.png](https://i.imgur.com/BOfnCXQ.jpg)

 **Pantastic:** Good job girl!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Huh. Never knew your face could turn that color of red.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Would someone like to explain something here?

 **Waffle Iron:** I think that picture summed it up already.

 **Wrench Wench:** Basically we realized that Ed still has a crush on me, and I like him enough to go for it

 **Pantastic:** And I am okay with it as long as Winry still loves me! And I get a free pass to the details. Well, not every detail, but enough.

 **Waffle Iron:** I am feeling slight terror over that future blackmail.

 **More Like A Nonja:** And… Ling is okay with this?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** There is some anxiety of course, and that’s going to take some time, but for the most part I am happy with this?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know, I think I’m getting too used to weird things happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ed Sandwich has officially kicked off. 
> 
> Also I fucking crave cheddar biscuits right now.


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Kinda Shady:** I feel like I’m missing a joke so I hope someone here can explain it.

 **Kinda Shady:** I asked Al why he looked so tired this morning, and he just muttered something about pie? When I asked for clarification he turned red and bolted back to Greed’s room? Greed’s laughing too hard to explain.

 **Waffle Iron:** HOLY FUCK

 **Pantastic:** BOI

 **Wrench Wench:** Wait! Fuck! I made a thing a while back let me find it!

**Wrench Wench:[ andeatittoo2.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/fc8bc0f246e2b31836af0c1b99f074cc/tumblr_prnk7fHkgU1umkyqy_1280.jpg)**

**Netflix And Kill:** goddamn finally

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m not sure how to respond but congrats I guess?

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I’m surprised I didn’t hear anything so thanks for being quiet for once.

 **Pantastic:** GIVE! US! THE! DETAILS!

 **Waffle Iron:** Please do not!

 **Wrench Wench:** We at least have to ask the same ‘who did what’ question we asked you!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I think we all know the answer. Greed is absolutely a top.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah. I mean, I would switch it up if he asked, but well…

 **Waffle Iron:** You know? I know I said I didn’t want to know but considering how Al got all ‘really?’ when it was about me, can I just give a hearty ‘HA!’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Look.

 **Kinda Shady:** What in the fuck are you all going on about?

 **Netflix And Kill:** ‘Pie’ is a euphemism.

 **Kinda Shady:** ?????

 **Kinda Shady:** I know there are pie euphemisms but why is this a thing this morning??

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** We’ll tell you when you’re older.

 **Wrench Wench:** So, ‘details’ aside, how was it  >:3c?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It was.. it was good. Idk how to use words at the moment. This is conveyed better through expressions and vague hand gestures.

 **More Like A Nonja:** What you’re saying is you’re left speechless.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Kinda, yeah.

 **Pantastic:** So why last night? What happened to finally push you over the edge into fuckery. Literally.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You remember how Greed reacted to the judo flip, right?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I will admit, that was definitely a factor.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I mean, okay yeah. That was part of it. But tbh I kinda told myself it was going to happen before summer break was over so, you know, not much of a window left.

 **More Like A Nonja:** [summerlovin.png](https://pics.me.me/summer-lovin-had-me-a-blast-summer-lovin-dick-in-12554655.png)

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Lan Fan no!

 **Pantastic:** Thanks for reminding me that summer is almost over and we have done NOTHING

 **Waffle Iron:** Speak for yourself I feel like a ton of fuckery has happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very proud to have convinced y'all to enjoy my rarepairs.


	70. Chapter 70

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What't this?? A Chapter without any of My Boys™?? How has this happened??

Direct Message ( **@Princess Powerhouse** )

  


**More Like A Nonja:** I know we have a friend named Envy, but it seems like you’re the jealous one.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** No clue what you’re talking about.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You didn’t really say anything about the ‘pie situation’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What am I supposed to say that wasn’t already said?

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’ve seen the expression you give him when you think no one’s looking.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** considering how many times we’ve been blinsided, I didn’t think anyone in this friend group had a grasp on romance.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Out of the romances we’ve seen firsthand, I have seen them coming.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah, except Ed’s romances blindsided you.

 **More Like A Nonja:** His love language is… strange to me. But other than that…

 **More Like A Nonja:** You are deflecting though.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** What am I supposed to say here?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Honestly I wanted to make sure you were okay.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** …

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t know.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Mostly I feel like an idiot.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’re not an idiot for liking someone.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** No. I’m an idiot for not doing anything about it.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I kept saying ‘hey, he’s going through a lot right now. I probably shouldn’t bring this up and add to the stress. I’ll wait until thing are calm!’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** But his life is never ‘calm’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And it’s not like I was just ‘not saying anything’. I mean, I encouraged this. Because how terrible would it be to say ‘hey, I’m not going to encourage you to ask out a guy you like because I like you’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** That would’ve been a bit of a dick move.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Exactly. And obviously I’m happy for him. But you know. I’m just left wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. Because it still hurts.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Do you want advice or are you just venting?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I was mostly venting but if you have an idea…

 **More Like A Nonja:** Talk to Al.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I suddenly regret asking for advice because telling him how I feel is a BAD IDEA

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Like, the most BAD IDEA to ever exist

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Worse than Ed eating dog treats ‘for science’ and submitting it for his final.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Did… did he actually submit that for his final?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yep. The teacher was so bewildered that she accepted it as both his and Al’s final project and gave them an A. Which is some total bullshit because it was a chemistry class but they were like ‘well we were testing the chemical composition of dog treats!’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Meanwhile I do a study on the ‘chemical composition’ of herbal medicines and I get a lecture about anti-vaxxers and a comment of ‘this isn’t about weed, is it?’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Sometimes I forget that you’re also a science nerd.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** At least I don’t do things like pour coffee into a monster.

 **More Like A Nonja:** But while it might be a bad idea, look at it this way:

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’re stuck feeling bad about everything. If you tell him, the worst that happens is you get a proper rejection.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And what’s the ‘best case scenario’?

 **More Like A Nonja:** You’ve seen what the rest of the family is doing, right?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Now you’re being ridiculous.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Okay, that might be a bit optimistic. But the more realistic thing is that Al will take your feelings into consideration, and maybe not, you know, make out with Greed right in front of you. Which would also be kind to all of us because we don’t really want to watch it either.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’ll think about it. For now I’ll let him enjoy this instead of ruining the whole ‘pie event’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Waiting is what got you here in the first place.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You’re right but that doesn’t mean not waiting is the better option.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I just meant that there’s probably never going to be a ‘good time’ to bring it up, so don’t worry too much on that front.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Point taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for another Fun Fact: This fic was originally going to have Al/Mei before I descended into Rare Pair Hell™(Again...)
> 
> Also, can I just say, I see some of y'all writing fics referring to Hohenheim as 'the Cryptid', and honestly I love it.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me dropping drama and then switching chats entirely.

**Denim:** Well. Furey has officially scared the hell out of me this morning.

 **Gun:** What’d he do??

 **Hacker Voice:** Over the weekend I dug up a bunch of temporary tattoos and put them on. They’re still there so he thought I just spontaneously got a sleeve of tattoos.

 **Bread:** That would be terrifying.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Now I’m imagining you with tattoos and it’s weird.

 **Knife Emoji:** You are the innocent one and are banned from tattoos.

 **Denim:** See, that’s what freaked me out about it. I could never imagine him having a tattoo.

 **Hacker Voice:** The joke here is that I’ve had a tattoo the whole time you’ve known me. It was, like, the first thing I did when I turned 18.

 **Gun:** WHAT??

 **Denim:** Excuse me?? Waht?

 **Bread:** Nope.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You can’t just say that!! Now you have to show us!

 **Hacker Voice:** Sorry, I can’t show you.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Why not?

 **Hacker Voice:** Because my last name doesn’t start with ‘H’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** FUCK OFF

 **Denim:** Do you actually have a tattoo or was it just a setup for another joke about Roy’s obscure letter kink?

 **Hacker Voice:** Yeah. It’s a Night Vale quote on my thigh. And before you ask, I got it there because I wanted a tattoo but I have relatives that would turn it into an Event™ if they saw it at a family barbecue.

 **Knife Emoji:** Speaking of the ‘obscure letter kink’, how is that going?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Haven’t your usual gossip sources filled you in on the weekend’s fuckery?

 **Knife Emoji:** Riza was giving live updates during family game night, and I did hear something from Winry about Al judo flipping a guy while on a date, but I’ve heard nothing about your love life.

 **Gun:** HE DID WHAT???

 **Knife Emoji:** Did he not mention that?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** on one hand it probably got forgotten considering the other romantic developments over the weekend.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** on the other hand, HOW DO YOU nOt tELL SOMEONE YOU JuDO fLiPped A GUY??

 **Hacker Voice:** Because you are the parents and would possibly tell him he’s grounded?

 **Gun:** That’s fair. Though knowing the boys there’s probably justification for it. They have a habit of getting into situations where the best solution is something that gets them in trouble. It ends up like ‘as your parent I have to say ‘don’t do that’, but you’re not grounded because that’s the right thing to do in that situation’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** The closest I have ever come to actually grounding them is two days after we watched Infinity War.

 **Bread:** That’s oddly specific.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ed caught a cold and his way of telling me was to walk down stairs, say ‘Roy, I don’t feel so good...’ and then just kinda got dizzy and fell over.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Nearly had a goddamn heart attack.

 **Knife Emoji:** So, that aside, how’d it go with ‘the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet’?

 **Gun:** I could’ve sworn I sent you a message about that one.

 **Knife Emoji:** You said ‘he’s gotten to the first name!  >:3c’ and did not elaborate.

 **Hacker Voice:** I mean, I’ve never been sure about what exactly ‘the bases’ are but I’m pretty sure that’s on there right?

 **Denim:** I think that’s more like when you hit the ball and the pitcher catches it immediately.

 **Bread:** I think I have a gif for that

 **Bread:** [didyoucatchthat.gif](https://usatftw.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/tulojose.gif?w=1000)

 **Gun:** If it was anyone else you’d have a point. But remember, everyone seems to have a problem referring to him by name.

 **Gun:** ‘The Cryptid’, ‘tall, gold and mysterious’, ‘the most oblivious motherfucker on the planet’. Even when people do address him by name it’s always last name.

 **Knife Emoji:** Oh. I forgot about that. And that does recontextualize everything.

 **Hacker Voice:** So that’s, like, third base?

 **Denim:** I think we need to have a talk about what exactly the bases are?

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Ugh. So, we talked. I got through to him of the whole ‘i like you’ thing. And while the situation is still Very Complicated™, we did decide to see where this goes.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Though due to said Very Complicated Situation™, it is being taken slow.

 **Bread:** Yes. You’ve known the man for months and you’re only just now using his first name. You don’t even have the excuse of ‘I met you at work’ like you do with me and Furey.

 **Gun:** Technically, we did meet him at work.

 **Knife Emoji:** So if ‘using his first name’ is ‘first base’, what are the rest of the bases?

 **Denim:** It’s a slippery slope so ‘second base’ is directly to sex.

 **Bread:** [thirdbase.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7027d75d29b35d47444957198cb728a9/tumblr_pj7xe49gvk1uy2b65_1280.jpg)

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Should I be worried that you had that saved?

 **Knife Emoji:** If that’s third base I’m scared to ask what a home run is?

 **Hacker Voice:** Handcuffs?

 **Gun:** First off! You’re not allowed to imply that sort of thing because you’re the innocent one!

 **Gun:** Secondly, I mean I guess??

 **Denim:** You’ll probably have difficulty with that one considering the 'mysterious' part of 'tall, gold, and mysterious' includes the ability to get out of handcuffs.

 **Bread:** How the fuck do you know that???

 **Denim:** You do remember that we met the guy in the first place because I arrested him, right?

 **Denim:** I cuffed him, like, four times and he just kept Houdini-ing his way out. At that point I just gave up.

 **Knife Emoji:** Lucky for Roy, ‘Houdini’ also starts with an ‘H’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** FUCK OFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was debating on what tattoo to give Furey but then I was like "For some reason I think he would identify with the gay radio host!".


	72. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I mentioned it jokingly but the boys did actually go to therapy in this AU.   
> Other than that, have more references to Canon and terrible innuendos.

**Gender Is An Illusion:** I finally got my Banishing Rock

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** [banishingrock.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/ea596a6cfa3ec6d80aac9cb27a554ad6/tumblr_pti5m5ir751spt2o4_540.jpg)

 **Pantastic:** Is that… is that a knife made of crystal?

 **Kinda Shady:** I mean if it works it works.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I bought it entirely because its a ‘healing knife’. Because that was too funny.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** That and it adds to your ‘rock collection’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t do much work with crystals but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be used to cut herbs and such to infuse the energies of the crystal into the spells.

 **Waffle Iron:** Tbh since it was rose quartz my first thought was ‘if you and your partner are having issues, maybe some light stabbing could help!’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I now have concerns.

 **Wrench Wench:** I think we all know which one of you two is getting stabbed.

 **Waffle Iron:** I feel threatened.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I am kinkshaming

 **More Like A Nonja:** You lost the right to kinkshame after last time

 **Netflix And Kill:** No one in this chat has the right to kinkshame.

 **Kinda Shady:** Except me. 

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Let he who is without kink throw the first stone I guess. 

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** You know, I was expecting more outrage from the science nerds and the doctor kid about the healing knife.

 **Wrench Wench:** As long as you’re not doing anything dangerous like drinking essential oils you’re fine. Also vaccinate your fucking kids.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I actually did a paper on herbal medicines for my final.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh yeah you mentioned that. I keep meaning to ask you to send me that so I can read it!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh! Right! I’ll dm you about that!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** But also, you know, mom was kinda into that stuff. Not wildly, but I do have a lot of old things memorized.

 **Waffle Iron:** While I might be grumpy about everything and usually take religious/spiritual stuff with a large grain of salt, I’m not going to be a jackass about someone’s beliefs.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Except that one time you were kind of a dick about it.

 **Waffle Iron:** That doesn’t count! That was a cult!

 **Kinda Shady:** I’m sorry what???

 **More Like A Nonja:** [youdon’twannaknow.gif](https://i.imgur.com/cOjDpRY.gif)

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’ve known you long enough that I know I shouldn’t ask but…

 **Pantastic:** NO! We have learned our lesson about not asking when they say weird things!!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not that weird….

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Sweetheart, anything involving a cult is automatically weird.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Not when compared to everything else.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Just explain the thing already.

 **Waffle Iron:** I mean it’s not a big story. We befriended a girl in the therapist’s office, and when she was being indoctrinated into a cult we were like ‘Hey, buddy, that’s a cult’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Roy and Riza kinda took over from there so we don’t know what all happened but she’s doing better now.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You’re right, that isn’t a big story at all!

 **Wrench Wench:** OKAY! Not to distract from the cult thing, but I just heard the worst fucking thing and I’m dying a little bit inside and if I have to hear it so do you!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Don’t punish us…

 **Netflix And Kill:** I have a feeling that as soon as you tell us this I’m going to need that ‘healing knife’.

 **Wrench Wench:** So at first I wasn’t going to gossip about it, but the Cryptid is currently at my house talking to Granny.

 **Pantastic:** Why is he there??

 **Waffle Iron:** They were friends back before he initially disappeared. He said they’d been talking again. After Granny yelled at him for a bit.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Ah. Yes. We remember that.

 **Wrench Wench:** Anyway, he’s kind of asking for advice with the whole Roy situation thing. I’m not going to give the details on that because it’s obvs personal stuff and I shouldn’t have eavesdropped anyway.

 **Wrench Wench:** However, he commented on how long it’s been since he been with anyone. And Granny made it into a ‘I’m sure you remember how it all works. Just like riding a bike’.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Ah. Gross.

 **Wrench Wench:** No. It was worse because his response was ‘more like riding a horse’.

 **Waffle Iron:** NO

 **Waffle Iron:** THAT Is NOT ALLOWED

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I have Regrets™

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Sorry but I am DYING

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** That’s fucking hilarious

 **Netflix And Kill:** Probably not the first time that joke has been made.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I am deleting myself from this groupchat

 **Kinda Shady:** Same. Ugh.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I’ll admit that got a laugh.

 **Pantastic:** Win, babe, no.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I think we all need a turn with the healing knife now.

* * *

Direct Message (@ **More Like A Nonja** )

 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I know this is just a little thing to be excited about but you're the only one who knows and I'm freaking out!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** He asked to read my essay!! 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I am screaming!

 **More Like A Nonja:** If that's all it takes to get you giddy then I'm surprised, very impressed, and a little terrified you don't spontaneously combust every time he smiles at you. 

 **Princess Powerhouse:** It takes a lot of skill. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sorry.


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I said it before, but I don't even know what's happening anymore. I write maybe the first five lines and then everything just snowballs from there.

**Ding Dong Bitch:** Hey, remember when I tried dyeing my hair and it ended up mostly just slightly blue tinted?

 **Waffle Iron:** Hard to forget when my hands were fucking blue forever.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He was humming the Eiffel65 song and getting it stuck in everyone’s heads.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** And now it’s stuck in my head so fuck you

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I think we all remember that because it was the whole thing of ‘we all decided to kick your ex’s ass’.

 **More Like A Nonja:** Are you doing okay after that, by the way?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m good. I was just deciding to share the fact that since the hair dye is washing out, my hair is less blue tinted and more purple tinted.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Oh, so it’s more #160d19 right now? Not too bad. At least it’s not #0d190d! That’d be the worst possible hair color to have~!

 **Netflix And Kill:** Again, you fucking art nerd!!

 **Wrench Wench:** How the hell do you do that?

 **Kinda Shady:** We don’t know.

 **Pantastic:** I think everyone in this chat has some unexplainable talents.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Hey, Greed, I just looked up that hex code and I’m going to punch you in the entire dick.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That implies that you can somehow punch a partial dick.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** You see, it depends on the size of said dick. And let me say, you gotta have some big hands if you want to punch my entire dick.

 **More Like A Nonja:** While I don’t doubt it, what guy would admit to having a small dick?

 **Kinda Shady:** I’m going to stop this conversation right the hell now.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah, can we go back to how Greed can just pull accurate hex codes out of his ass?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** You say that like you don’t do ridiculous things.

 **Netflix And Kill:** It’s because he’s a fucking art nerd.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He actually is a pretty good artist.

 **Wrench Wench:** Please tell me this leads to a ‘draw me like one of your french girls’ scenario.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It was jokingly offered, but not taken up on.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Just fuckin draw your fursonas and get it over with.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I am no longer sure what level of irony my username is on but it is a high level of Regret™

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s what you get you fucking furry.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Can I just point out the fact that Greed is not defending himself from the idea of having a fursona?

 **Netflix And Kill:**   Because he's a fucking furry.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Look. Even if you’re not a furry, when you hang out with a bunch of furries they assign you a fursona.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I would argue with that, but Al did assign a fursona to Ed.

 **Waffle Iron:** Fuck you I’m not a fucking dog.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Either choose a fursona yourself or we’re using the one we acidently gave you.

 **Waffle Iron:** I don’t know? A fox I guess? It’s better than just a dog?

 **More Like A Nonja:** Congratulations. Since you have chosen your fursona you’re now a furry.

 **Waffle Iron:** Wait FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say he's specifically a Fennec Fox >:3c


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chat has everything. Explosions, kinkshaming, memes.

**Hacker Voice:** Do you guys ever see the ads for back to school sales and immediately think ‘oh shit summer break’s almost over!’ and then two minutes of depression later you go ‘wait, shit! I’m an adult and summer break doesn’t exist!’?

 **Denim:** Now I’m just plain depressed over no longer getting summer break

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I used to get that. Then I got kids and it becomes ‘oh hey! Sale on a bunch of stuff I need! Let’s go!’

 **Bread:** You’re such an adult

 **Gun:** Look, if you went through notebooks as quickly as this family does, you’d want to grab as many as you can on discount too.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Most end up with science notes and theoreticals. A few end up with various chemicals getting dumped on them. At least four have ‘mysteriously’ caught fire.

 **Knife Emoji:** With your record, if I didn’t know they weren’t biologically yours I’d call it genetic.

 **Gun:** Considering things our local Cryptid has said, I think it is.

 **Denim:** I’m scared to ask.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** He was telling a story, got half-way through, and realized ‘you know I probably shouldn’t be telling this to the impressionable teens and a pair of cops’, because the way it was going seemed like it ended with ‘and then everything exploded and I burned down my highscool’s chem lab’.

 **Bread:** I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’m just gonna be over here looking up if there were any highschool chem lab explosions about 30 years ago…

 **Knife Emoji:** BOI

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** I think I should be concerned that my initial reaction to Furey’s comment wasn’t ‘wait, no don’t do that!’, it was ‘please don’t remind me that he’s old enough to have been in high school by the time I was even born’.

 **Denim:** Sometimes I forget he’s older than us.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’m always aware that he’s older than me in the same way I’m always aware that you guys are older than me, but it’s not always in perspective. Like, I group all of you as ‘older than me’ and don’t really think about the fact that you have your own age gaps.

 **Gun:** Which is why you’re surprised we have knowledge of pop culture and memes.

 **Hacker Voice:** It’s getting better because after I said that you went all out in making references.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Sometimes knowing memes is a curse. Like when one of your kids gets ‘what does the fox say’ stuck in your head for no reason.

 **Bread:** Fuck you that’s stuck in my head now.

 **Hacker Voice:** So, what does the fox actually say?

 **Knife Emoji:** Nothing but lies.

 **Denim:** What?

 **Gun:** Oh, there was a reason for the song.

 **Bread:** What possible reason could there be?

 **Gun:** I’m not entirely sure. I know there was a reason because when I started humming it, Ed glared at Al and said ‘fuck you you fucking furry!’.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You know, that knowledge doesn’t make me feel any better.

 **Knife Emoji:** Look, if you have an obscure letter kink you can’t judge anyone for being a furry, much less your own kids.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** You realize that I have just as much kink ammo on you right?

 **Knife Emoji:** Bold of you to think I can be shamed!

 **Denim:** Look man. Twice is coincidence. Three is a pattern. Four is just….you have a problem.

 **Hacker Voice:** I just remembered that I have the skill to easily hack into your computers and probably find all sorts of ‘kink ammo’.

 **Bread:** Please never become a supervillain.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Okay, a kinkshaming supervillain would be either the best thing or the worst thing.

 **Gun:** You need a superhero who is either without shame or is a ‘kinkshaming is my kink!’ type.

 **Knife Emoji:** It’s easy to have no shame when you have a secret identity.

 **Denim:** The superhero we need, but not the one we deserve.

 **Gun:** We absolutely deserve that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look man. Superheros already wear tight spandex and leather and a lot of them are just their fursonas.


	75. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short and slightly angsty chapter. 
> 
> Trigger warning for discussion of self-harm.

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

  


**Waffle Iron:** What’s wrong?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Nothing.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re doing the leg thing again.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s fine. We’re in the middle of a group hangout, and it’s not a ‘thing’. it’s just on my mind.

 **Waffle Iron:** You’re in the middle of a group hangout and it’s bad enough that instead of even faking you’re just sitting there distracted and scratching at your leg.

 **Waffle Iron:** If you don’t tell me in text then as much as I don’t want to make a scene I will drag you off to talk in-person.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay, fine, point taken.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** The Cryptid found out about, well, this actually. We had a talk about it this morning.

 **Waffle Iron:** How’d he find out?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He and Roy were talking last night. And when he did the same ‘scratch at the leg’ thing, Roy asked if he was okay since, you know, that’s usually what I do when I’m upset.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He kinda connected the dots. Decided to let me know that he knows.

 **Waffle Iron:** Oh. How’d that go?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well, he started by apologizing for finding out instead of letting me tell him. Then he went with the usual ‘hey, everything bad in your life is my fault so I’m sorry’ thing again.

 **Waffle Iron:** That’s a loaded conversation

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s like…. Yeah the whole ‘disappearing for years’ thing definitely fucked us up. But now that I know why I get it. There wasn’t a ‘good’ option there, but it was the ‘best’. And he didn’t know that everything else would happen.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah, I kinda tried to get that across. Especially about this.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Like, sure, I probably wouldn’t have done it if everything else didn’t happen. But I was the one who did that instead of talking to someone.

 **Waffle Iron:** I’m sorry

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not your fault either. And if you continue to feel guilty about this I will cause a different scene and kick your ass.

 **Waffle Iron:** Hey threatening to kick your ass is my thing!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well if you kick everyone else’s ass, who’s going to kick your ass?

 **Waffle Iron:** I’ll kick my own ass!

 **Waffle Iron:** Take off my leg and set up some Rube Goldberg bullshittery

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You’re a dork.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah yeah love you too jackass.

 **Waffle Iron:** Are you actually okay?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. it’s just on my mind. I’ll be fine soon.

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay. Although, if you’re still stuck I can get Greed to help. Him dragging you off to talk would be a hell of a lot less suspicious.

 **Waffle Iron:** Not gonna lie, seeing you’re expression at that made the squick of saying it completely worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone hug them.


	76. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to guess what chore I was avoiding while writing this?

**Waffle Iron:** Hey, Winry, any chance I can convince you to make, like, a grass roomba?

 **Wrench Wench:** Bold of you to assume I don’t already have plans for one.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Good because Roy says that actual grass roombas are ‘too expensive’

 **More Like A Nonja:** There’s also the fact that you two would tape a knife to a roomba, and he likes having his ankles.

 **Waffle Iron:** While that is true, I would restrain myself from doing it to a grass roomba because mowing the lawn suuuuuuucks

 **Pantastic:** Not gonna lie: until you said that I was very confused about what a ‘grass roomba’ would do and was just imagining a regular roomba set loose in the yard.

 **Kinda Shady:** Judging from Envy’s face, they were thinking the same thing

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** FUCK YOU

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Is mowing the lawn really so bad that you want a grass roomba?

 **Wrench Wench:** Yes.

 **Waffle Iron:** You get to spend fucking forever pushing a mower in the hot sun and sweating up a storm while a loud motor blares in your ears and all you can smell is fucking grass clippings of course it’s bad

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I’m taking a guess that Mei’s never mowed a lawn.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Like you’ve mowed a fucking lawn! I know your mom just pays a lawn service.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** While I hesitate to even think about my Ex, I did help mow his lawn a few times while I was with him. But that sucked for other reasons.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I feel like we should steer away from that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** So who mows the lawn at your place?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Sloth.

 **Pantastic:** Really? You make the guy nicknamed ‘Sloth’ do the hard labor?

 **Kinda Shady:** Look we all have jobs to do.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I was expecting that to be on Greed’s list.

 **Wrench Wench:** Disappointed you can’t go over and just sit on a lawn chair drinking a tall glass of lemonade while watching him get all hot and sweaty?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [perhaps.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/bd5de4d219bc3fc2c513bfbb79ed7aca/tumblr_p73zceH9Xm1ubie7bo1_250.jpg)

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah, I’m the only one who can cook and I’m the best at remembering that laundry exists, so I’m off the hook for other big jobs.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Envy gets whiny about it but trades off for other chores. Pride’s too short for the mower. And Gluttony has smell issues so breathing in freshly mowed grass is a bad time.

 **Netflix And Kill:** And if I do it we get the local dads coming out like ‘hey sweetheart, you need any help there?’.

 **Pantastic:** Ugh. Yikes.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Not looking forward to that if I have to mow the lawn.

 **Waffle Iron:** You can learn once you’re tall enough to push a mower.

 **Wrench Wench:** As if you meet the height restriction

 **Waffle Iron:** HEY!

 **Waffle Iron:** Not only am I taller than you now, I am in a three way tie for third tallest in this chat!

 **Waffle Iron:** So if I don’t meet the height restriction neither do y’all!

 **Wrench Wench:** This has backfired on me in ways I did not expect.

 **Pantastic:** Old habits die hard.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He has so much built-up rage about the short jokes that he just has to get the revenge out of his system.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** He’ll always be short in his heart.

 **More Like A Nonja:** I legitimately thought you were about to end that with ‘dick’.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** I thought about it, but then I realized that someone would reply correcting me and I’d learn things I never want to know about.

 **Kinda Shady:** New rule: that subject never comes up again.


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of our favorite restaurant!

**Waffle Iron:** I am going to die

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I want to assume you’re being dramatic because you’re you but then again you’re you so you could actually be dying and I don’t want to be an asshole.

 **Wrench Wench:** He’s not gonna die.

 **Waffle Iron:** Pretty sure I’m going to die tonight.

 **Pantastic:** Considering Winry’s with you and she’s decided you’re not dying, you won’t die.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Why do you think you’re going to die?

 **Waffle Iron:** You know that restaurant with the cheddar biscuits? We’re there and the owners are glaring at me.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** What’d you do this time?

 **Wrench Wench:** He’s sitting in a booth with just me because Ling is running late for the…

 **Wrench Wench:** Did we decide on whether this is considered a ‘double date’ or not?

 **Pantastic:** On one hand, a ‘double date’ is four people. On the other hand, you are ‘two couples’ condensed into three people.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Use the groupchat name as an example and call it a ‘date and a half’?

 **Wrench Wench:** Not a bad idea.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m guessing the glaring is because they think you’re cheating on Ling?

 **Waffle Iron:** Basically.

 **Waffle Iron:** And I know I could tell them what’s going on but I also know it’ll sound like a lie until Ling gets here and backs me up.

 **Waffle Iron:** Hopefully that happens before they decide to murder me.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Question on the double date thing: Why is Paninya not involved in the thing making it an actual double date?

 **Pantastic:** Because I have things to do today.

 **Wrench Wench:** The one problem with this ‘dating multiple people’ thing is that we have to figure out weird scheduling for dates.

 **Waffle Iron:** Yeah. Ling’s usually free. But sometimes I have projects or family night. And Winry works in Granny’s shop most days.

 **Pantastic:** Of course that assumes we don’t have other issues that change plans. Like waking up and finding out it’s a pain day.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know, barring random pain days, once school starts up it’ll probably be easier since you’ll all have the same schedules.

 **Waffle Iron:** You make a good point but fuck you for reminding me that school exists.

 **Netflix And Kill:** Just quit and do it online

 **Waffle Iron:** The only reason I don’t is because they don’t have a lab section for the science classes, so it’d be all ‘read the textbook and answer quizzes’ instead of letting us conduct actual experiments.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** That’s what your youtube channel is for. You can’t eat dog treats in class

 **Princess Powerhouse:** You do remember that they did submit that for their final, right?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh, that’s gonna be a story to tell for years.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I got an A on my final because my brother ate dog treats on camera.

 **Waffle Iron:** For science!!

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh boy. Ling just got here and the restaurant owners are watching and waiting for the ‘drama’ to unfold.

 **Kinda Shady:** You should stage a fight. Act as if there is some cheating going on.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Tempting, but we want to be able to come back here.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I would also like to go back there. And I know if you three cause an incident then we’ll be banned too.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’m sure they wouldn’t ban you too.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** The owners already figured out I’m related to Ed, so they’ll probably ban the whole family.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** But you’re much more of a gentleman and wouldn’t cause a scene in the restaurant.

 **More Like A Nonja:** You do remember he’s the one who judo flipped a guy in that same restaurant, right?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** How can I forget?

 **Waffle Iron:** First of all, Mei, fuck you.

 **Waffle Iron:** Secondly, I’m extra dying now.

 **Pantastic:** I thought you weren’t going to cause a scene and get murdered?

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** He’s dying because our way of making it clear that we’re both dating him is to go overboard with physical affection.

 **Wrench Wench:** I’d say he’s bluescreened, but his face is too red for that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** What happened to ‘not causing a scene’? It might not be a fight but please don’t get kicked out!

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** We’re keeping it pg! He’s just a Mess™

 **Waffle Iron:** Look I can barely handle physical affection from one of you this is too much.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Rest in fucking pieces.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know you’re not much better than he is when it comes to ‘not melting at affection’.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I’ve watched both of you go all soft and sweet from a single kiss on the cheek, so you don’t get to call him out either.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** Rest in fucking pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember many chapters ago I made a pun about an 'Al-icorn' and an 'Ed-icorn'? I got legit slapped for that pun the other day.


	78. Chapter 78

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roy is having a time.

**Denim:** So… why’s Roy facedown at his desk?

 **Gun:** He’s an idiot.

 **Knife Emoji:** Sounds about right. I haven’t seen him like this in years. Actually makes me a little nostalgic!

 **Bread:** I’m assuming that’s meant to sound exactly how it sounds?

 **Hacker Voice:** Since Havoc didn’t know about this, I’m guessing this falls under the old rule of ‘blame the local Cryptid’?

 **Denim:** I’m not sure which one to be jealous of but either way I’m impressed.

 **Gun:** While the Cryptid is partly to blame, it’s not in the way you’re thinking.

 **Knife Emoji:** Oh, yeah. That’s not Roy’s ‘I got royally fucked last night so I’m face-down at my desk’ face. It’s his ‘I got royally fucked up last night so I’m face-down at my desk’.

 **Knife Emoji:** Basically he’s just very hungover.

 **Bread:** I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him drunk.

 **Denim:** I’ve seen him decently drunk, but I don’t think it was whatever drunk it was last night.

 **Hacker Voice:** He did realize he had to work today, right?

 **Gun:** He can get very competitive.

 **Knife Emoji:** Please tell me he did not challenge a man referred to as ‘The Cryptid’ to a drinking contest...

 **Gun:** The guy went to get another drink, and Roy made a joke of ‘hey buddy maybe slow down. Don’t wanna get too drunk’. He replies with ‘I don’t know about you but I can handle quite a bit more before I regret it.’.

 **Hacker Voice:** Yeah that’ll kick him into competitive mode.

 **Gun:** Roy was all ‘I can handle alcohol! I grew up in a bar! I’ll be fine!’

 **Gun:** He was not fine.

 **Denim:** So, how bad is Drunk!Mustang?

 **Knife Emoji:** He is full of bad ideas and needs a babysitter.

 **Knife Emoji:** Gracia is still kinda mad about that time we set the couch on fire.

 **Bread:** He did what???

 **Knife Emoji:** We had an idea involving trying to make popcorn and unconventional tools and… yeah it got out of hand.

 **Gun:** You have to talk him out of the bad ideas.

 **Knife Emoji:** After a certain point you don’t have to. You can just pick him up and carry him over your shoulder. He’ll grumble about it, but he doesn’t really fight back.

 **Gun:** He’ll either get a less dumb idea, sober up, or fall asleep.

 **Denim:** I will keep that in mind

 **Knife Emoji:** Also keep in mind that over the shoulder carrying is prime butt grab position.

 **Bread:** Oh he’s absolutely keeping that in mind.

 **Hacker Voice:** I’m… honestly more interested in what Drunk!Cryptid is like…

 **Knife Emoji:** I was avoiding asking that because honestly I’m kinda scared to know.

 **Gun:** Well, he didn’t get nearly as trashed as Roy. But you know how he can sometimes start rambling on a tangent?

 **Gun:** Imagine that, but triple speed, a lot more swearing, sometimes forgetting words and just saying things like ‘the bullshit with the thing and that fucker’, and then eventually just forgetting which language he’s supposed to be speaking entirely.

 **Bread:** Wouldn’t he realize when you don’t respond to what he’s saying?

 **Gun:** Firstly, you’re underestimating the power of a ramble.

 **Gun:** Secondly, usually it was a language Roy knows, so he just responded like normal while I was out of the loop.

 **Denim:** So how hungover is the Cryptid?

 **Gun:** Not as bad as Roy right now. Then again, he didn’t have a job to go to today, so he probably went back to bed after we left.

 **Bread:** Pretty sure Mustang is wishing he had done the same.

 **Hacker Voice:** Does he… does he even have a job?

 **Gun:** I have no clue. Obviously he’s getting money somehow. Like, he buys stuff. And I know he has an apartment. But I haven’t heard him mention anything and he doesn’t seem to have a usual schedule.

 **Knife Emoji:** You know what? I feel like the less we know the better.

 **Denim:** Yeah. Answers will only give us more questions.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Hey, guys, can you all not discuss this in the chat because the constant notification ding is literally hell.

 **Gun:** Should’ve thought of that before you challenged The Cryptid to a drinking contest! Be lucky I’m putting off practice at the gun range.

 **Dumb Fucking Horse:** Thanks for that mercy.

 **Hacker Voice:** You know she loves you because she values your regret over shooting shifty silhouettes.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I finally figured out what type of Cryptid Hohenheim is. He's the Duolingo Owl.


	79. Chapter 79

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... apologize in advance....

Direct Message (@ **Totally Not A Furry** )

  


**Princess Powerhouse:** Okay, so I know it’s like 2 am but I’m still awake just thinking about this. Because I know if I put it off because ‘it’s right before school starts’ then I’ll end up putting it off because ‘oh we just started school and we’re busy’ and so on and that’s what got me into this in the first place.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Long story short: I’ve had a crush on you for a while. Like, a long while. And I feel like you need to at least know that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I never said anything before because I always made excuses to put it off. Like, I kept saying ‘oh you’re going through something right now so I shouldn’t add to that’. But then I kept putting it off.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And then the whole thing with you and Greed started. And I thought about saying something then, but that would’ve been such a dick move if I told you not to flirt with him because I liked you.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** And I know you’ve been with him for a while now so I wasn’t going to say anything on it because that’s a thing. But then Lan Fan found out and she told me I should at least tell you.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** She’s right about that. You need to know. And I’m sorry for rambling all this in a text at two in the morning but I know if I tried to say it all to your face I wouldn’t be nearly as coherent and I wouldn’t be able to get to all the points I wanted to in this conversation.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Because it hurts less, I think? Like it’s one thing to have a secret one-sided crush on someone but it’s different to get outright rejected because hey at least I tried, right?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m sorry. I’ll just- I’ll just finish this and stop typing now. You can read and reply later when you wake up. Or not at all. You know. If you don’t want to make a big deal out of it.

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Ask Me Nicely** )

  


**Totally Not A Furry:** Hey are you up?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can you let me in?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** ??

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Did you just walk over here at three in the fucking morning?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yes.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Are you okay?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boy's having a bad night.
> 
> Time for a few chapters of drama plot. Don't worry, we'll still have sweet moments and a few jokes in between.


	80. Chapter 80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As expected from a 'Al is having a bad time' arc, trigger warning for discussion of self-harm. 
> 
> He's gonna be fine I promise!

**Waffle Iron:** Do any of you know where Al is??

 **Wrench Wench:** What do you mean?

 **Waffle Iron:** I went to get him up for breakfast but he wasn’t here? Roy and Riza have been up for a while and they didn’t see him leave so we’re confused and kinda worried.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I have no clue but several concerns?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He’s over with me at the moment. 

 **Netflix And Kill:** When the hell did he get here?

 **Kinda Shady:** I heard the door at about 3 am, but I thought it was one of you going on a late-night snack run.

 **Pantastic:** I want to make a joke about ‘sneaking out at 3 am to see your boyfriend’, but that’s… very out of character for him so I’m also concerned?

 **Waffle Iron:** What happened?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** It’s… look I’ll dm you.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Now I’m even more concerned.

 **Wrench Wench:** Is he okay???

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Some things happened. I don’t know how much he’d want me to say. But Ed gets sibling priority for now. Sorry.

 **Pantastic:** You’re not answering the ‘is he okay?’ question.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He’s doing better than he was last night. At least he managed to fall asleep.

 **Wrench Wench:** Oh. Keep us updated, okay?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Yeah.

* * *

 

Direct Message (@ **Ask Me Nicely** )

  


**Princess Powerhouse:** This is my fault, isn’t it?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I really want to say no. Because having feelings and confessing them is entirely okay, and neither of us want to blame you.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** But your message is technically what pushed him over the edge.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Over the edge?! Did he- I mean, how far…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** How far what?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I don’t know how to ask this.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I know you’ve probably seen the scars on his legs though.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I didn’t think you knew about that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m not supposed to. One time when we were swimming his shorts had been riding up and I saw them.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Did he…?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** He didn’t relapse. But he was afraid he would. By ‘over the edge’ I meant that he was apparently already in a bad state before he read your messages. I don’t know how/why he was like that though. It was difficult to get proper sentences out of him.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’m sorry.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Again, this isn’t ‘your fault’. Honestly some of it’s his own damn fault because he’s too nice. He didn’t want to get help from anyone else because it would ‘out your crush’. So he tried to handle it on his own until it got bad enough that sneaking out and walking here at 3 am seemed like a good idea.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Goddamn it. Why does he have to be so sweet?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** No clue how he does it. Although that does lead me to another thing…

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I did have to tell Ed what happened, which did include the thing about the messages. I didn’t say is was you specifically, but, you know. Process of elimination and all that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I… don’t really mind that much. My need to keep that quiet is vastly outweighed by the fact that letting Al talk through it will help him. Probably should’ve put that in my original texts.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Look, neither of us blames you. Especially Al. But if you do feel like playing the ‘blame game’, then I get to take some of that guilt too.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Why?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Part of what had him all confused and scared over your messages is wondering how I’d react. Especially since I can be… a little possessive.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Oh, really? The guy nicknamed ‘Greed’ can get ‘a little possessive’?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Glad to see you’re still up for snark.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Sorry.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Hey, if the shoe fits and all that. But he was worried I’d get upset. And then since that sort of breakdown state sends you spiraling into thinking of the worst possible outcomes, he eventually got to ‘oh god I’m going to ruin the entire friend group because I was too much of an idiot to notice someone’s feelings!’.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yikes.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** So… are you upset about the whole crush thing?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Jealousy is Envy’s department  >;p

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Sins jokes aside

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I think I’d be upset if you were actively trying to steal him away from me. But as much as I kinda want to go all ‘no he’s mine!’ on the situation, you know.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I’d make a joke about pulling some shit like what the rest of his family’s doing, but I don’t think that’d go over well.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Ugh. Lan Fan already made that joke when she found out about the crush. I honestly wasn’t going to even bring that up. I never even thought about that situation seriously enough to figure out if that’s something I’d be okay with. I just wanted to be honest about it, even if all I get is a proper rejection.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Good. That was one of the things he was worried about.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Guessing that’s a hard no on the possibility then.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** I honestly don’t know. But you two do need to talk about things.

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Not right now, of course. Let him get a bit more stable before trying that.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Of course. Please take care of him, okay?

 **Ask Me Nicely:** Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay he's kinda fine.


	81. Chapter 81

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since we're still on this arc, we still have the trigger warning for self-harm. 
> 
> He's doing better though!!

**Wrench Wench:** So are one of you going to update us on what happened with Al or do I have to come over there myself??

 **Waffle Iron:** It’s… complicated.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I do have access to my phone so I can answer myself you know.

 **Pantastic:** Then give us a fucking answer!!

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m doing better. I can at least think straight.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** I don’t think you can ever think ‘straight’.

 **Ding Dong Bitch:** Sorry, don’t know if you’re up for humor.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You’re good.

 **More Like A Nonja:** So what all happened?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** A lot. Short version is minor breakdown.

 **Netflix And Kill:** I don’t qualify you sneaking over here at three in the morning as ‘minor’ so try again.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You know what I mean. I don’t want to go into all the details, especially over text, but things happened and for various reasons I felt like Greed was the only one I could talk to about the situation.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m doing better now. Not 100% yet, but I’m home and I’ve been able to sleep and eat so that’s good.

 **Gender Is An Illusion:** So, how bad is the punishment for sneaking out at three am?

 **Pantastic:** Do you really think his parents are going to punish him for having a mental breakdown?

 **Kinda Shady:** Considering some parents….

 **Waffle Iron:** Okay. Remind me to go hug Roy and Riza in a bit because yikes they actually care.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** So, I’m ‘technically grounded’. I’m not allowed to leave the house without them. But I’m still allowed to have contact with friends and stuff because, you know, isolating me would not help me right now. So you can drop by, but I can’t go hang out.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s also easier for them to keep an eye on me until I’m back up again.

 **Wrench Wench:** Good. I’m stopping by later. And I know you probably don’t want to talk, but I’m hoping for more in-depth explanation of this.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’ll try.

* * *

Direct Message (@ **Princess Powerhouse** )

  


**Totally Not A Furry:** Roy said you stopped by with a snack basket.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah. I remembered you liked the candies from that shop near my house, but you don’t like the owner so you never go in there.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s not that I don’t like the owner. Honestly I don’t know the guy. He just always glares at me and Ed when we go in.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I’ll admit he does look scary but he’s real sweet. You should come in while walking Black Hayate and he’ll be too distracted by the cute animal to glare at you.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** No one can resist cute animals.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** hold on a minute

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Okay I’m back

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Everything okay?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. Just Ed was wondering if I should be talking with you considering everything.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Guess he figured out it was my messages then.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. It’s fine though. I just asked him how he’d feel if this happened because he and I had a fight or something, and then I didn’t talk to him for days.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Not that it’s your fault though!

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I know you say that, but I still feel pretty guilty.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** This is going to go in circles. Because I felt guilty about not realizing you liked me, which caused all of that. Which made you feel guilty. Which makes me feel guilty. And so on.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah, well, still. I’m sorry. If I knew how bad you would react I probably would’ve… I don’t know.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Look, Greed told me you already know about the near-relapse thing.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I should’ve told you I knew. But I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, and since the scars looked pretty old I figured you had a handle on it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I did. I do. It’s been about two years since last time. And I know you’re upset and feel guilty about this, but here’s the thing:

 **Totally Not A Furry:** You can’t be afraid to upset me just because I might relapse. That’s not fair to anyone.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That makes sense, but it’s hard to think about.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know. But as I said, it’s not fair to either of us. And even if you did tiptoe around me and do your best not to upset me, sometimes other things happen and I end up there anyway.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Greed mentioned you said something about ‘already being like that’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Yeah. I had another nightmare flashback thing. I woke up from that and went to text him for comfort when I saw your messages. I probably could’ve handled one or the other, but both were too much.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Will you at least let me apologize for my terrible timing?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** ashvlhdvbczblcgcvzhefjbmn

 **Princess Powerhouse:** ???

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Sorry! Black Hayate has decided I need to be licked.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** It is hard to be sad when you’re getting licked by a dog.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It really is.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Can I talk seriously for a minute?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Sure.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I know I’m not going to keep myself from talking to you like normal. But I don’t think I’m entirely ready to figure out everything from your confession just yet.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** That’s the last thing on my mind right now. I just want you to get better.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thanks. Still, figuring that out is going to be part of getting better. I have to sort all that out.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I know you just said you don’t want to talk about it, but what do you mean ‘sort that all out’?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Much like everything else in my life, that’s complicated.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I think I had at some point started to like you like that? But I was still figuring it out when Greed and I started up. And he was… well… you know. Forward about it. And that had me flustered and confused but it did make me confront those feelings very quickly.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And I’m not sure where that leaves us? If I still like you that way at all or if I moved on. And even then I don’t know what to do about it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Easy option would be to take example from the rest of the family. Which… scares me for other reasons. But even if that isn’t an issue, I don’t even know if that’s what I want. Not to mention you and Greed and how that all would work.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah. Lan Fan knows about my crush on you, and she kinda joked about that. But I haven’t really thought it over in a serious way to think on if I’d be okay with that.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Makes sense. I know I need to sort through all that. But I want to do it after I get to a more stable place. To make sure the decision is what I really want, and not just guilt or panic or whatever. You know?

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Right. Yeah. That’s… That’s a good idea.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thanks. You know, if you wanted to actually come up and say hi you can.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Probably better if I don’t. Texting is one thing, but talking in-person is another. Besides, I’m not sure your family doesn’t hate me now.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** They don’t hate you. Trust me, they’ve all had their moment with the ‘I upset you and caused a near-relapse’ thing. At worst they’re going to be doing the full mother hen thing and keep asking if I’m okay every five seconds.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Which is what they’re doing anyway. But you know.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Yeah. You mentioned you’re ‘grounded’ so they can keep an eye on you.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** It’s a little much. Necessary, but a bit much.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Necessary? I thought you said you were doing better?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** I’m more stable/coherent, but when you dip down that low you need to take time to get back on track. So, you know, remove all sharp objects from my room, and keep someone nearby in case I slip up again and start looking for less obvious tools.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Thank fuck for electric razors though because I’d probably go nuts if I couldn’t shave my face.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I completely fucking forgot that you two actually shave.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Oh yeah it’s bad. Neither of us really lets it get bad unless we’re, like, too sick to move. Even during ‘exam season’ we’ll keep it up.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Now I’m saying ‘thank fuck for electric razors’ because the idea of you two trying to shave with regular razors in ‘science 2: electric boogaloo’ mode is terrifying.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Next time one of us catches a cold I should take some pictures. Though Ed really starts to look like Cryptid Junior when he doesn’t shave.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** I believe it.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** And now I’m trying to imagine what it would be like if The Cryptid decided to actually shave.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** oh god that’d be fucking terrifying.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** He probably goes from 45 to 4.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** [tallchild.png](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3f7b7bbf12a741a4600b3e3cb204af59/tumblr_inline_phy4g6BPPw1w23adz_1280.png)

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Also, this conversation might’ve killed Greed.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** He reading over your shoulder?

 **Totally Not A Furry:** He was trying not to but he had to know what I was laughing at. And he remembered that things that apply to The Cryptid also apply to The Cryptid’s Evil Twin.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Ah. Right. That’s terrifying.

 **Totally Not A Furry:** Well if that didn’t kill him then Black Hayate thinking his laughter means ‘lick the hell out of me’ is going to.

 **Princess Powerhouse:** Rest in fucking pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're still talking! It'll take a bit to fully resolve this though.

**Author's Note:**

> How is this the first FMA fic I'm posting?  
> Anyway, this is a Modern AU of sorts. While I'm mostly focusing on general Slice of Life stuff, I did go down the rabbit hole a bit and 'translate' the Canon plot to a modern setting without Alchemy(or at least with very nerfed Alchemy). Might make a post on my Tumblr about the changes/how things went down in this universe.


End file.
